I Don't Walk On Water...

Woke up this morning and these words were on my mind. I guess some things I still haven't gotten over...

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
It looks like you've given up
You've had enough
But I want more
No I won't stop
Because I just know
You'll come around
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don't mind at all

It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it's got to be right,
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

I don't believe you

Lyrics from I Don't Believe You by Pink.

**Disclaimer: This post may not make much sense...

Can you love someone and use them at the same time?
Maybe all love is conditional anyway.
Maybe it's selfish.
And meant to serve ourselves.
After all.

I ask myself
How can my love help you?
Is it only that my love for you
is only meant to help me?
To make me feel better
Quieting my own
Insecurities.
After all.

I just finished watching Capote. I watched it a few years ago with my two best friends at the time. I didn't pay much attention to it then. It's so funny where life takes you. Never then would I have thought I would end up falling in love with one of my best friends after that. This is the friend who I always felt was using me as a professional contact to help them achieve in their career. Now, after watching the movie Capote again, it seems so much can be applied to my life; and to the one who made me watch it in the first place; the best friend.

In the film, Harper Lee asks her best friend Truman Capote if he is in love with the killer he is writing his non-fiction novel, In Cold Blood, about. He asks how he can love someone and use them at the same time. But clearly, by the end of the film you see how he did both. He used the killer as the subject of his classic book and, because of his love for him, made steps to get the killers off. At the same time, I believe that the killer was either in love with Capote as well, or at least pretending to be, in order to get off. But, in the last scene of the film, when all bets were off, when the killers had no other option but resign to the death penalty, the killer left a sign, which was a drawing he made of Capote. So, I think the killer loved Capote as well and was also using him.

Maybe, the one I loved, the one who I felt was using me, loved me as well, if only to use me. Maybe I used them as well.

So....

Can you love someone and use them at the same time...

Apparently so...?

he's shown back up again.
Who is he?
Guess he doesn't matter.
He's everything
I don't need.
Never fails.
Many weeks
No contact.
Always said
he'd need me
long before
i needed him.
Never fails.
emotional fuckwittage
at its finest.
he's a pro.
master
manipulation.
So here we are.
On guard again.
Cause I've learned
Not to trust
What I've always
followed.
So
Heart
keep your distance.
mind and body await
Reluctant to follow.

Inspired by the great Emily Dickinson

Let's say you were in love.
Let's also say that the person you were in love with "knew" this
But by no admission of yours.
They just "knew".
But
This person did not feel the same.
So they say.
A classic case of unrequited love.
So they say.
They see you falling
They SEE you falling.
Do they have an obligation
To keep you from falling or
At least
Lessen the impact
Of the fall?
On the other hand
Switch places
What do you do
When you're not the one
falling...?

Speak on it...