I Don't Walk On Water...

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands.

I love this song. Sometimes you're just in love with someone and no matter what you just resign. They may be right for you. They may be wrong. But...what are you going to do? You're stuck with the feeling. Thanks Corrine.

Hmmm...

I just woke up from a very disturbing dream. I sure I'm like most people in that I don't usually remember my dreams. Well, I dreamt about some female friends of mine. Well, one in particular...

It started with me being called to her room in a hospital. As I approached her room, I saw her walking towards the room. The color balance of the hospital consisted of muted blues and grays. I hear someone say something about jumping out of the window. I spot my friend her walking towards her room. She avoids my eyes.

"I don't want to see you right now." She enters the room. I follow her.

"What the hell is going on?"

The next thing I remember is a panic. At some point, my female friend was apprehended in the back of the hospital trying to eat large white pills. I walk into the hospital waiting room. I recognize the faces of more female friends. Their faces very specific to me. I don't know the reason for this.

As I continue to dream, I realize that the other girls are here for the same reason.

I watch through the window to my friends room. She talks to her mother who sits at the end of the bed.

"I didn't want it."

It dawns on me. So, that's why these girls are jumping out of windows.

I wake up. I send a text message to my friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in two years.

"Are you ok?"

I am afraid of you.
You call unto me, but I am afraid.
Though I pray that you remain steadfast, fearing I may have lost you when I wasn't
looking.
Wondering what I would be without you. If you left and never returned.

You take me on journeys reaching levels of divine thoughts.
Venturing through your therapy in hopes for the most truthful of discoveries.
I tend to aim for the most honest of presentations.
I excite at your revelations, anxious to lock them into an eternal
medium,
Beheld forever as someone's classic.
You appear in waves, my hand hardly maintaining your pace.
Overwhelmingly fascinated, but I tremble inside of your power.
Now I stand on the brink of your return, scared to lose my mind, to make room for yours.
Praying that you'll be gentle this time.
You mock my weakness.
Forcing a strength that never comes.
Don't lose my hand this time, lest I forget my own way back.

But, I digress.
I digress.

The challenge still awaits.
So, I remain.
Naming yourself inspiration
You smile at my fear.

hmmmm...

how am i feeling right now???

well, i'm remembering when my favorite word used to be "transition". i loved that word because it meant change. i felt that as long as I embraced that word, I would always be in a state of change. i thought this was good.

but...

i don't want that anymore. i don't want, anymore, to be in limbo. i want to be the man i say i wanna be. i don't want to get comfortable in the journey. i want to be a man of action. i don't wanna talk about what i wanna do, who i wanna be...i'm gonna just be it. i'm gonna just do it.

"always do what you're afraid to do" - ralph waldo emerson

Looking back, I think that people couldn't handle my honesty. They were just too coward to say that, it wasn't me with the problem. Those people are still cowards today. So they say nothing at all.

But what does it mean when some of these people are still a part of your life.

Maybe they sense my weakness and enjoy preying. Maybe I enjoyed the attention.

Maybe it's been me all along.