I Don't Walk On Water...

So, I've spent the majority of my day doing a lot of random research and browsing on the web. I started out reading about the Kennedy family, which piqued my interest in Martha's Vineyard, which led me to remember that a film I love, was based on a segment of that island, The Inkwell. Upon journeying to IMDB to read more trivia about the film, there was a discussion on the message board about the film's director, Matty Rich, who, after The Inkwell in 1994, has mysteriously not returned to filmmaking since, despite a great start in the industry.

It got me to thinking about myself. Even though, I am nowhere on the level of such established filmmakers by any stretch of the imagination, I have spent the last three years of my life living the life of the starving artist/filmmaker.

With my recent interests in teaching and different avenues of writing outside of screenwriting, I was wondering today when, if at all, I would make my foray back into filmmaking.

In Winter 2005, I created an independent TV drama series project that lasted three years. I also produced a couple short films and got halfway through production of what was supposed to be my independent feature length debut. But, I ended up shutting it down. Partly due to exhaustion. Partly due to differences inside of my producing team. But, mostly due to the fact that I was losing my mind.

Today, only a few months removed from the situation, I look at filmmaking and my heart flutters. It's a fear I have of throwing myself out there again. As an independent filmmaker, I had become a hustler. That's what you have to be. Even moreso, when you're making controversial and socially conscious subject matter and your competition is, well, the fluff that television is inundated with today.

I would like nothing more than to spend my life making movies. But, the business of it, is not fun, is emotionally and financially draining and if you're like me and let yourself get too far away from yourself, it's psychologically scarring.

And, it's funny because the issue with me has never been lack of confidence. It's not that I don't think that I can do it AND be successful. I have extreme faith in my idea to dream up concepts and write compelling stories for television and the big screen. I even have the catalog of screenplays and teleplays sitting around to prove it. I mean, I'm the one right now who is hoping to be signed to an agent by summer of '09 at the latest.

But, I still find within myself a slight hesitation. When will I be ready to jump back in? To really helm a film project as a producer and/or writer and/or director.

And I wonder the costs to my well being. And will it be worth it in the end?

I am afraid of you.
You call unto me, but I am afraid.
Though I pray that you remain steadfast, fearing I may have lost you when I wasn't
looking.
Wondering what I would be without you. If you left and never returned.

You take me on journeys reaching levels of divine thoughts.
Venturing through your therapy in hopes for the most truthful of discoveries.
I tend to aim for the most honest of presentations.
I excite at your revelations, anxious to lock them into an eternal
medium,
Beheld forever as someone's classic.
You appear in waves, my hand hardly maintaining your pace.
Overwhelmingly fascinated, but I tremble inside of your power.
Now I stand on the brink of your return, scared to lose my mind, to make room for yours.
Praying that you'll be gentle this time.
You mock my weakness.
Forcing a strength that never comes.
Don't lose my hand this time, lest I forget my own way back.

But, I digress.
I digress.

The challenge still awaits.
So, I remain.
Naming yourself inspiration
You smile at my fear.

hmmmm...

how am i feeling right now???

well, i'm remembering when my favorite word used to be "transition". i loved that word because it meant change. i felt that as long as I embraced that word, I would always be in a state of change. i thought this was good.

but...

i don't want that anymore. i don't want, anymore, to be in limbo. i want to be the man i say i wanna be. i don't want to get comfortable in the journey. i want to be a man of action. i don't wanna talk about what i wanna do, who i wanna be...i'm gonna just be it. i'm gonna just do it.

"always do what you're afraid to do" - ralph waldo emerson