I Don't Walk On Water...

You have that person in your life who just loves to give you what I call "emotional fuckwittage"? Well, I have someone like that. My relationship with this person has grown extremely complex, which, to me, is the most dangerous. I characterize it today as a love/hate.

I had grown into the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to love and friendship. My relationship with this person involves both. Now, at one point I fell in love with this person's representative. I say his "representative" because I fell for who I thought this person was. In the middle of one of our famous non-physical confrontations, I revealed my feelings. Ever since, I've been feeling like this person has been using my feelings against me. Something tells me he always had.

Now, my feelings are definitely in check now as I've moved on relationship-wise. I'm not gonna say I don't still feel for this person. I think that some feelings never really completely go away.

Now, he has said that he knew my feelings for him before I revealed them, but he was just waiting on me to say something. I personally feel I was led by him. But, that's another blog post.

Today I'm feeling like why does he choose to keep me inside of his web when he's the one who isn't sure how he feels? Like, why even try. This is someone who says he is straight. But, no matter how many times he says it, I believe otherwise. But, I've always respected the boundaries of our friendship until it got to the point where I was tired of pushing my real feelings aside, to make room for someone else's. I've tried to end the friendship many times because of what I've identified as my weakness for this person. Even though today, he's not anyone I would ever allow myself to fall for. But, it's too late for me to fix that, however. But he never lets me end it. He won't let us end.

And I know that this person is my cross to bear. After all, what I'm feeling is not exclusive only to me. Now, I'm not used to feeling like this, but he is a challenge for me to overcome. But until I do, I ask:

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I cant answer the phone?

Make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool

You make me stay when I should not.
Are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

By the way, you're not that strong. Must be me...

First of all please go and find the song "Trust" by Keyshia Cole. I believe it's on her new CD and it is playing in my head right now and has been all day. It's a nice song. There's even an alternate version with Monica.

Anyway, it's 3:51am and I've been awakened by a text message. My TV is on playing a Roseanne DVD (which is one of the funniest TV series ever, by the way).

Ummm...what's on my mind...???

Well, i guess the main thing is worry. I've been making some personnel changes in my life and I've been praying for the strength to consistent in what I know I need for my life. And, I've been feeling pretty strong lately.

But, do you have people in your life that you're just weak for? It's a really annoying situation. When you try to do your best to remain steadfast, all of that can go out the window due to, I guess, charm of a certain individual(s).

Hmmm...

I definitely think this reveals a weakness in my self-esteem. I also feel it's a trait I inherited from both of my parents, who despite their rocky relationship always found it hard to walk away from each other, even when they both knew better.

Why do we hurt ourselves in this way? Why do we sit around waiting for someone to change when you know good and damn well, they have no desire to?

I try to remember a saying:

It's better to leave than to be left.

And I'm scared of being pulled back into someone. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Pray for me.

No pun intended.

Wanted to clear the air.
Get it all out?
Place all of your blame?
But of course.

You missed someone.
You.
Threw me under the bus.
Everything I told
My feelings with you
I entrusted
Always protecting you
Some say there's truth in lies

Honesty notwithstanding
Scared to be yourself
Had I known...
Hmm.
I think I knew all along

Met many just like you
Stories all the same
Praying for God's change
Failing to see his light
Inside, the first place

I gave you a book
Did you read?
His words like life
Pain not concealed

I take my blame
For thinking that
My friendship had impact
Afraid to be open
What you asked ofme
Maybe, you never intended to be.

Should have said from the start.
Used me up
Now I'm the scape
All the while you fled
California, is it

No shame left behind
Left me to find
The friend you already had
Still reeling
Do you see?
Do you really see?

Taught you what you know.
Confidence in your talent.
Still me not true?
Helping you not a benefit to me
It was to help you see what I saw
In you.

Find what you're looking for
No doubt if ever you
Think of me
But I always remember love.
My family
my friends
My loves
You too good to understand.

I digress.

Not reminiscing
No change of the past
Finding the peace I seek
Knowing sometimes people can be like that.

Such news to me
Calling a lesson learned
They may know you well
J, I know you best.
Trust me.
You'll learn.

I've been there before
Always scared, for always running.
Hoping no one finds out
I pray to God no one finds out.
Hope i don't
When all falls down

It will.
It will.

I'm always here.
When you wanna try
If you wanna get
the story "straight".

No?

Pun intended.

Written August 30, 2008

I had the strangest dream last night. Okay. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all. It was about someone who I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we'll call this person Chameleon. I think I spend the majority of my time being angry or frustrated with him, which I'm trying to stop. But it's difficult to just stop caring about someone who've you've invested so much in. Even when your mind is telling you that you should.

You know when I realistically try to imagine Chameleon and I together...like that, I do find myself becoming really disgusted. Chameleon is very promiscuous. With women. My intuition makes me think that this involves some men as well. But I digress. It is such a turnoff to me to know that your partner or potential partner has given themselves away to so many people. Especially when you know this person doesn't seem to always use protection. I know, gross, right?

Anyway, hopefully, my heart understands that it needs to catch up with the rest of me in purging this person from my psyche. I get the feeling it's getting the message...

I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.

I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.

I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.

I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.

But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.

All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human

I just got an internship in New York City. So, I'm getting the hell out of Florida. A place so full of fakeness, losers, and liars. I need a break from these so-called "friends" as they are a constant reminder of my bad judgement.

Looking back, I think that people couldn't handle my honesty. They were just too coward to say that, it wasn't me with the problem. Those people are still cowards today. So they say nothing at all.

But what does it mean when some of these people are still a part of your life.

Maybe they sense my weakness and enjoy preying. Maybe I enjoyed the attention.

Maybe it's been me all along.

Ready for love.

So, this person and I have made up. We talked. They cried. I was honest. And now we're back to working on the friendship. However, my feelings for this person have come back stronger than ever. And though this person has someone that is special to them, I've been trying to just be a good friend. I've been offering up my support. But fuck that! What about my feelings? Why is it that I always have to be supportive and sit back and watch someone else enjoy what's supposed to be mine? I'm tired of doing the moral thing. I want something for me. I've been waiting. I've been praying. And I get nothing. It's not fucking fair. I'm tired of being happy for people and watching them enjoy their happiness...with someone else. And I'm still alone. Being the good friend. The lonely, supportive, faithful friend. And it never is enough. I want something that's mine. And I want someone who wants me just as must as I want them. I feel like my 20s are passing me by and this is the only area I'm missing out on...I'm ready for love.

WannaBe

I am a wanna be.

Allow me to explain. Sometimes you have this view of yourself that you hold in high regard. Some trait that you've always been proud of, something you thought that no matter what, you were an expert. Then something happens. It's similar to a landslide. It's when your world comes crashing down because that view of yourself was so convoluted. It becomes evident that everyone else views you different. So...

You resign to change. But change takes action. But sometimes you don't know where to start, except back at the beginning.

And I'm not who I used to be, or even what I thought I was.

I am now a wannabe.

And I wanna be a better friend.