I'm feeling in a weird mood right now. I'm in the midst of a writer's block on my new short film, "BOY" and I'm thinking about relationships past and why I've been so unsuccessful.
I'm demanding. That's what I've been told. I expect too much from my relationships. I guessing that that is my main problem.
I think the problem is that people in general stand in the way of their own happiness. I may even be talking about myself, too. All I want to do is make movies and have an all-fulfilling relationship. But, I've come to accept that that may be just a dream.
I sometimes wonder that with all the people in this world, why is it so hard for people to get together. Or maybe it isn't hard at all. I know for me, I just wish people would keep it real. I'm so sick of meeting people who have issues within themselves, not to say that I don't, but I don't feel like my issues have ever gotten in the way of a potential relationship, except for when I'm working on a film project and I become a social hermit. But, even in those times, I always told myself that if something or someone came up, i would be ready. And I still believe that. The problem is, no one else is...
How does it feel???
How am I feeling right now? Hmmm. Let me see if I can figure it out. I've spent the last few hours working on the script for the last episode of my drama series. I'm trying to find a way to make this project go out with a bang. But, it hasn't hit me just yet. It's gotta be right.
Sigh.
I feel a little bit like myself again. I've been going through a bit of personal trauma lately, though I refuse to write about it. But, I think things are looking up. I just feel like I'm always in transition. (Which, ironically, is my favorite word. Gotta change that....lol) I've gotten a fraction of my confidence back, my self-assuredness, my swagger. Now, I have to start getting back to me. After putting my personal life on hold for the past year and a half, I have some rebuilding to do once filming on the show ends. Now, how in th hell do I do that?
I think that when I started this show, I assumed that the people I met would compensate for the personal life I would be giving up. And even though some things and some friendships didn't work out, I can't say I'd do it any differently. I feel like I've grown tremendously. For someone who thought they knew who they were to begin with, I certainly have been tested. I have been changed in ways I don't even think I'm aware of yet. But, one thing I think I've learned is that no matter what, I always need to make sure I have a perspective. On myself. On people. On everything. That's the only way you know who you are. You can't get caught up in...no pun intended...the drama. And as a writer, a dramatic writer, who is living the stories I am writing about, that's an easy trap to fall into. So many times since working on this project, I've lost my perspective. And struggled to get it back. And when I did, questioned myself about it. Yeah, it's that self-conscious thing that is a weakness of mine.
One thing I can say for sure is that I have given myself. I've given myself to people, to relationships, to the cause. More than I ever expected to. And that was a risk I took. Even when it left me caught out there to deal with myself, by myself. Cause everyone else had gotten what they wanted from me and most didnt even stop to check and see if I was still breathing. Well, I was. Barely.
I've made some great friends. I've met people; some of whom I wouldn't mind if I never worked with again. I've learned who is really out for me and I can count those people on one hand. I've been used. I've been taken advantage of. I've been lied to. I've been cheated. I've been gossipped about. I've been tried. All by my "friends". Yeah. Yeah.
I've learned to be accountable for myself and my decisions even when no one else is going to do the same for theirs. With working with so many characters, I've learned about true character. And I'm a better writer for it. And maybe a better person.
I recently finished the first draft of my feature-leangth script. I am simultaneously working on the scripts for two short films. I already have actors in mind that I want to use. (Just as long as no one pisses me off between now and then...lol) Just getting back to writing has been such a blessing for me. Cause if I can't write, I'm no good to anyone. Including myself.
Right now I am loving Kimberley Locke's new song, "Change". As she so aptly puts it: "I feel a change coming over me..."
So, how am I feeling right now?
(Smiles.)
I'm changing.