I Don't Walk On Water...

So, my homeboy since high school caught his flight back to Florida yesterday and all I can say is.....Thank God!!! He visited me here in L.A. for a week and I am so glad to finally be alone again. Not that my friend is particularly irritating or anything, I just, for some reason, really value my space. Throughout the week, I kept wondering if I'm even the type to move in with a significant other. This past week, I really pondered that question and what it meant to my life. I don't know why, but I don't like sharing my space.

So, I got a call yesterday from my Dad. He and I have been on the rocks for the past two years, the time after he suffered a brain aneurysm and was hospitalized for months. My dad holds a lot of blame against me, for reasons I have failed to make him understand. I have tried to be sensitive to the fact that he may not be "all there" anymore due to the accident, but he has at times been extremely disrespectful to me. So, I did exactly what me and my brothers are used to doing with my father: stop talking to him. I don't know, he seems to like it...

Well, I invited myself to Vegas this week to spend the first Thanksgiving in almost a decade with my father and older brother. However, the next day, my father calls and explains to me, in so many words, that I am not welcome to Vegas for Thanksgiving if I do not apologize for being "rude" and "disrespectful" in past phone conversations. I wanted to tell him exactly what he can suck when he gave me this ultimatum of sorts. However, I didn't.

What I wanted to tell my Dad the most was that I don't need him. That I haven't needed him for the past 8 years of my life, the span of my entire adult life, where he has insisted on having a volatile relationship with myself and my brothers stemming from his gripping fear of losing control of what he has always deemed as his possessions: his children. At every turn, when we did not do as he "advised" he wrote us off even more. To him, we were "stupid", "dumb", and "disappointing". To him there was no "let them find their own way", it was "why the hell aren't they doing it MY way...?". So, I've gotten used to not having him around, to not talking to him, to not respecting him.

However, I have recently concluded that I do not want my father to die bitter and lonely. His health is already fading fast and with all of his anger towards his family, he's on a fast track to the grave. Add that to his obsession with death and dying. At this point, the only thing I want from my dad is to know that he can have great relationships with his children and that every facet of life is not about being on the battlefield with loved ones. He already has no impact on my life, but I'd be willing to let him into mine, if he lets me into his. But, I know me. And I can give as good as I get. I'm a smart ass and very opinionated. So, I pray for strength to hold back when I really want to set the record straight. To not flinch at his underhanded insults. He's going to have to realize that if he wants to fight, he will be doing it by himself. Throughout this experiment with my Dad, my plan is to not give him the fight he wants, the fight he expects. With a bit of reverse psychology, I plan to bite my tongue and kill him with kindness. After all, isn't that the best way to die? And if, by chance, this little experiment fails, I will not be reaching out ever again. This is the last call...

Today is my 26th birthday and I just woke up. It's been a while since I've visited my blog and this morning I'm thinking of a comment my assistant said to me yesterday. He told me that he admired me because I was so "in-tune" to myself. I had heard a similar comment from one of my bosses who said I was very "self-aware". Those statements have stuck with me. They're interesting. If true, they're most likely the result of many years of insecurity.

I guess it can be said that I know what I don't want; even if sometimes I'm not sure I know what I want. I think I have definitely learned to recognize when I'm comfortable and when I'm not - when to go hard and when to ease up - when to stay and when to go. I know myself better than I did this time last year. Now, just unafraid to actually be myself and to trust my emotions and intuitions.

I've been joking with my boss that I don't have a life. That's partially true. I'm definitely back into my hole. However, it's self-induced and much appreciated. I've recently come to recognize that I go through phases where I am very social and outgoing and then phases where I don't want to be bothered much with the outside world. And I like that. I need that.

I just finished a biography on the life of the writer, James Baldwin. I was so intrigued to read out the life of a writer, particularly a Black male writer, to find out how he coped with the insanity of it all. I think I was looking for some secret to be revealed to me. It seemed to me, after reading the book, that Baldwin spent so many years of his life just trying to find a quiet place to write. He traveled from Harlem to Paris to Istanbul among other places seemingly just looking for a quiet place to write. I think I do the same. I'm already dreaming of life after Los Angeles. I want to travel afar and across the seas. All with the hope that my writing will be gainfully influenced and I'll write that one pivotol story - the one I'm meant to tell.

As for my current life, I have a small circle of friends here in L.A. A circle that doesn't require me to be in someone's club or bar every weekend. I love spending my weekends going to the library, reading or working on new screenplays. At the moment, I'm gearing up to film my first film project in over a year. I'm really excited. I think I'm ready.

So, on my birthday, I am asking myself if the comments from my assistant and my boss ring true. My answer today would be: Maybe so.

So, I kinda......... like someone.

"Home is a place where, if you have to go there, they have to take you
in..." - Bebe Moore Campbell

I believe in God. Even during my phase as an early adult when I thought
the truly smart thing to do was to act as if He didn't exist, I
discovered I couldn't act Him away. Like Celie says in Alice Walker's
The Color Purple, "...trying to do without Him sure is hard..." Many
people who've come across me at some point or another at times in my
life have expressed to me that they didn't think I believed in God.
That my outlook on religion couldn't possibly leave room for belief...in
Him. But it isn't true. But I usually leave people to suspect
wrongly. To judge wrongly. In my opinion, it's no one's business.
Now, I'm a big talker. I love to share. But, my spiritual relationship
has always been to personal to wear on my sleeve. I think it's mostly
because I feel most wouldn't understand it. And it's not for anyone to
understand but me. It's something I keep closely guarded. He knows me
better than anyone. And I talk to him daily. Usually in short
thoughts. When I notice a beautiful sunrise. A yellow flower in a
field full of green. A cool, heavenly breeze on a lazy evening. More
often than not, I get offended when I hear people share so much of their
relationship with God with the world...it's as if they're bragging.
Like they need to convince themselves of something. As if they want to
be supported...as if they need the support, the job well done. I don't
know about most, but my relationship is too personal to share, which I
very rarely uncover (like right now). I used to think that God wasn't
real because he doesn't speak to me. Not the way I hear he does to
others. Until I learned that he speaks through me. But I wrote this
blog tonight because I wanted to ask a question. I think, if I could
have a conversation with God, and He talk back, I would ask: "Is there
ever a reward for all the pain?"

Sometimes it needs to be said. And sometimes it needs to be heard. A
friend of mine called me today. I originally reached out to him this
week for business reasons and he called me to follow up. As we caught
up on our personal lives and before we hung up, he told me about a frat
brother of his that had just committed suicide. He wanted me to know
that he loved me and to never forget I was well loved. He knowing my
history with depression, told me that anytime I needed to talk to him to
do so and that he would do the same. I was little caught off guard. I
caught myself tearing up. I personally don't hear those words very
often and it had been about three years since I'd heard it from this
particular person. For the past year, I had been having trouble trying
to figure out what he thought of our friendship as it stood today, we
had been through soooo many challenges in the past. But with those
words, he answered my reservations. I have female friends who say "I
love you" so easily to me. But for some reason, him saying it meant so
much. I needed to hear them. I needed to hear today with the way I'd
been feeling as of late. And unbeknownst to me, it was he who I needed
to hear say them. "I love you." It made a difference in ways he'll
never understand.

So. I don't quite know how to start this topic or how to explain how I
got the inspiration for it. Recent conversations and happenings have
made me realize that the people I used to know didn't deserve the
pedestal I placed them on. I used to think my old "friends" were so
cool, so much better looking, so much more talented than I. I'm seeing
people differently. And I'm faulting myself less. An exchange with an
acquaintance made me ask myself whether my honesty runs people away. I
never thought about it before. I have this one associate "Justin" who
whenever I share a random thought about something that I wouldn't think
is a big deal, I don't hear back from him for days, sometimes a week.
And it makes me laugh, though it used to confuse me. Looking back, I
will never apologize for being so emotionally honest. I'm too lazy to
fake being myself for someone else's comfort. It took me a long time to
accept that.

At my loneliest, I feel guilt. I look around me searching for the
reasons why I am alone. I feel like I've been systematically shutting
down relationships. And now I'm doing the same to the new ones. Why
start something that's going to end up broken, is my current
philosophy? Lately, I've been asking God to remove memories of some
people from my past. I wish there was a way, a reset button, that you
can use to expel any history of someone you don't want to remember.
Because it's the memories of the good times, the memories of the
potential that you once believed in that make you, in your loneliest
hours, wonder...how exactly did I lose it? Could I have done more?

I need to learn to be 100% okay with the decisions I've made. I can't
continue to drive myself crazy wondering if the traits that I cherish
about myself and are most proud of are the ones that drove away the
people I once loved. Or thought I loved. That's why I'm clinging ever
so close to my immediate family nowadays. They're the only ones that
have been constant. I don't have to worry about them throwing me away
or running away from me, out of fear. The rest of the world is a
different story which leads to my current state: I'm scared to love
again.

"One day an angel
Said quietly
That soon he would bring
Something special
To me,
And of all of the wonderful
Gifts he could bring..."

So, as you can see, I'm making changes to my blog - I've even renamed it. Don't know if I'll keep that name, but tell me what you think about the changes. In a couple of weeks I'll be switching layouts again - moving to a Wordpress format...

"Because he knows he's not even invited to the race, for your heart -
the best friend must always remain...the friend." - Me

Sometimes I feel a little foolish being so open on my blog. I know that
what I write is public. However, I also know that my blog is not
popular in the least. So there is no real worry is there? And if there
was, what exactly would it mean? Not much that I can presume.

Tonight, I'm not exactly feeling lonely. What I am is feeling is
anxious and disinterested at the same time. I've been very reclusive
the past couple months not even making any attempts even on the dating
scene. While the main reason for that is because I haven't been all
that stable in my personal life, the real reason is I'm so over...people.

I recently stopped talking to the woman who I've considered my best friend
for the past three years. I guess she still is but I'm not really ready to resume
whatever it was we had, for a few reasons.

The truth is I've always had female besties, but not by choice. It's more by
circumstance that it always seems to happen that way. And, to be honest, I'm
kind of tired of girls as best friends. It's not exactly an equal relationship and
as much time as you spend or as close as you are, it still feels unbalanced.
Especially when your best friend is a straight woman. I don't know, I sometimes start to
feel like the stereotypical "gay best friend" like a fucking real life episode of 'Will & Grace'.

Sometimes it really bothered me that I couldn't have a just as fulfilling relationship
with another male. I think that's why I've been so quick to latch onto male friends
who were really not good for me in the long run.

The fact of the matter is that most males I've befriended in the past 8
years, I'll say 90%, have not so small sexuality issues within
themselves. Either they're repressing their sexuality, in denial, on
the DL or they are just straight up phonies and will lie to anyone who
calls them on it. I've been able to rid my life of most of these losers
and the others I've been gradually distancing myself from. I really am
in need of some secure male friends in my life. Ones who don't have to
perpetrate and pretend to be something they're not just for appearances
sake. I don't mind if they're straight, but preferably not, because,
let's keep it real, what straight Black men can handle having a close
male friend who's an "other" sexually. I've played that game before.
That shit ain't fun OR healthy at all. I'm not even saying you have to
be gay or bisexual, but it'd be nice to be close to someone who
understands me on 'that' level.

I definitely feel like I missed the boat of finding my crowd while I was in college.
I found a crowd alright, a crowd of insecure image-conscious pseudo-intellectual college
kids. While they weren't all bad, none of them were my speed. I don't
know if they could feel it, but even in a crowd of so many vibrant
personalities were times I felt the most detached.

When I was a freshman in college I had a gay best friend, though I only saw him
whenever I visited my hometown on weekends. And we had lots of fun in
what was still a new scary, but exciting lifestyle to us. And we were
navigating it together. But we drifted apart because, well, he was a
dummy. And he was intent on living a double life while living in his
mother's house. Me, I outgrew that shit quickly. I definitely eclipsed
him in the self-acceptance category. And I had dreams for a life far
away from some small town in Florida.

All my life, I've tended to attract the overly masculine (society's definition) male
friends. And I spend a lot of my time thinking, "why the hell do you keep coming around
me??" I remember when I was in the 5th grade and was going to school in
a gang-ridden neighborhood in Pittsburgh. I mean there would be
shootings just outside my yard on my street at least once every few
weeks. Anyway, I had this dude in my class. He was the class bad-ass.
A thug in training. He barely came to school, but when he did, he spent
all his time around me. His name was Paris. Lol. All the girls
thought he was so cute. And kids in much higher grades than us had his
respect. This little fifth grader. But for some reason, he and I were
tight. Me, the quiet, skinny nerd.

I just don't get the unspoken interest in me sometimes. Especially the ones
who know more than just a little bit about me. Since I'm a writer now, I'm much
more open with my thoughts through various written works, which obviously leads people to
draw certain conclusions about me. While I'm not feminine, I'm not
overwhelmingly masculine either. So, I don't get the interest in me
sometimes. Damn. So, this problem is why I spend most of my time alone
lately. And why I've been forced to revel in my reclusiveness. I mean,
there isn't anyone out there I find stimulating. And I have to say I'm
not that excited about looking either. Not after the experiences I've
had. I just want some fun, sexually SECURE, intelligent male friends to
come into my life. I just think that so much can be gained from healthy
platonic male relationships. No offense to the ladies, but I need a
break from ya'll...maybe I just need to get out more, which seems to be
the damn answer to everything...which usually means what: go clubbing.
Blah. Again, I feel kind of foolish getting so personal sometimes. But
you won't tell...right?

Oh em gee. So I had to come back to my blog and write about the new
Whitney CD real quick. It just leaked on the web earlier today. I love
it and I still plan to buy the CD when it comes out next Tuesday. Hell,
I may even buy two. And I haven't bought a physical CD in years so this
is crucial. So, the best song on the CD: CALL YOU TONIGHT!!!! I love
that song. The mood, Whitney's delivery, the acoustic guitar and the
lazy, country feel to it. I can't stop playing it. If I was already
moved into my new place, I'd be slow dancing around the room by myself.
This song makes me want to fall in love. Which is weird because I've
been feeling so anti-relationship as of late. But I wanna just lay back
with someone special and blast this track. Or go for a romantic drive
at night, with the sunroof up and this song blasting under a moonlit
sky. Sigh. I also love NOTHIN BUT LOVE, A SONG FOR YOU, LIKE I NEVER
LEFT, WORTH IT and SALUTE. I'm so happy to hear Whitney's voice, though
weathered, she can still turn in top notch performances. And, in my
opinion, I feel this CD is the one Whitney was able to make the most
personal connection with. I've heard people complain and say her voice
is different, that she's lost it, and I was one of the ones saying it.
But hearing the album in its entirety, I hear notes that still make me
go, WOW. Her voice is STILL stunning. And I'm sooooo feeling her new
material. She's back. And thank God for it.

I've been reading non-stop this weekend. After another very full and draining week of training my employees for an exciting new school year, I decided to have a very low-key weekend. I finished up Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I was introduced to that book when I was doing background work for my current screenplay project and was led to Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" which ultimately led me to Underground. The book provided the "meat" so to speak that I needed lend a sense of authenticity and depth to my screenplay's lead character.



After I finished it, I went the library and found another book, one in which I had read many times before: Don't Block the Blessings by Patti LaBelle. Anyone who knows me understands my love for the legendary group LaBelle fronted by the one and only Patti LaBelle. In recent years, I have been toying with the concept of writing a screenplay about the career of this amazingly underrated supergroup. To me, they epitomize what a female vocal group should stand for: they were politically, socially and sexually conscious and miles away from their contemporaries and even those who dare to call themselves girl groups today. When I was in New York, I managed to acquire the contact information for the group's longstanding manager, Vicki Wickham. I'm currently working on a presentation for them. After putting it off, I decided that I would make a go of writing a screenplay about this important group in rock and roll history.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is Las Vegas. If you don't know, I lived in Vegas for a total of seven years as a kid and teenager. My father and my brother still reside there. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them in almost two years. Now that I live in L.A., I'm only a hop, skip and a jump from them. Since, I can't get to Florida as often as I would like, I decided I should try to mend the long-broken relationships with the "Black sheeps" of my dysfunctional little family. My mother called me a few days ago and shared that she would like me to begin making monthly trips to Vegas, particularly to check in on my father and his health.

Some early readers of my blog may remember that my father experienced a brain aneurysm followed by a couple of subsequent strokes two years ago. I took a month off of work to supervise his extended hospital stay. Well, once my father got "better" he blamed me for what he was told was a "mishandling" of his care and took his anger out on me. Myself and my uncle tried to convince him that it was the other family members, relatives and "friends" who complicated the process, not me. Unable to make him see the efforts and lengths I went through to save his life (even making plans to move him to Florida with me while he went through the rehabilitation process) and ensure his care, I stopped speaking to him. I was tired of the arguing, the lack of trust, the lack of gratitude. I needed peace. He didn't understand that the only thing I was afraid of was losing him to a premature death with our relationship perpetually on the rocks. One thing about my father: he sees things in life or death. Even when he drew up his end of life care, he didn't consider his options if he became terminally ill. This made my job harder when the situation actually occurred.

Anyway, I've decided that I am going to force my way back into my father's, and even my brother's life. I know it means a great deal more struggle, more arguing, more discontent is on the horizon. But, I think I'm learning to keep my eye on the bigger picture. Ironically, as my father gets older, he is getting physically weaker. I'm using this to my advantage. Maybe if he's weaker, he'll be too spent to try to fight with me so much and realize that he wants a great relationship with his sons as we want with him. My father is the kind of guy who's used to fighting hard. It's so easy to let him piss you off which just makes you, forces you, to stop dealing with him altogether. It's almost like he expects you to give up on him. And he's too proud to say he wants otherwise. But, I'm not giving him the easy way out anymore. I'm gonna stay in his face. I'm gonna keep coming around. Even if we have to curse each other up one side of the house and down the other - that's the way it's gonna be. This is one of the times when I am becoming the teacher. He must sit back and learn. Because, after all, I only have one father.

That's a thought I was thinking of today. Today after, receiving
confirmation that all of my paperwork, background checks etc., went
through with my new job (yes, I'm a WORKING man now!!!), I decided to
treat myself to a movie starring my favorite actor Anthony Mackie.



The movie, THE HURT LOCKER, is in limited release and I'd been hoping
for months that I'd have the disposable income to check it out before it
leaves theaters. I finally did and have determined that it is now one
of my favorite films of all time. In addition, it's easily the best war
movie I've ever seen, giving a very intense and raw look at three
soldiers immersed in the Iraqi war experience.

The film had a scene at the end where the main character (Jeremy Renner)
is talking to his 1 year old son and expresses that as a child, you tend
to love everything. But, he says, as life goes on you realize you don't
love things like you used to and then eventually, it seems you only love
one or two things.

It led me to the thought that maybe life has a
tendency to beat the love out of us; I could definitely see this
applying to soldiers in war. Anthony Mackie played the second lead and
delivers a very heartfelt and emotional scene which is easily one of my
new favorite performances in a film. It's such a powerful film all
around.

Anyway, back to me. As I said earlier, after three months of interning
and job hunting I finally got offered a position in L.A. which actually
lands me back in the Education field. It's been a little over a year
since I left my last comfortable position in Education for the
possibilities of New York City and later Los Angeles. My new position
is one I had back in Florida but with a MAJOR pay increase and a few new
welcomed challenges. It's another management position so I have a staff
as well as a program of middle school-aged children to mentor. So, at
this very second, I'm happy with my life and where it's headed.

I'm in
the process of apartment hunting in order to move in closer proximity to
my new job. I'm also lining up my next few film projects which I will
be undertaking. So, as of today, I've managed to lift the stone that
I've been under in an attempt to allow in a little light. Soon, I'll be
completely out from under.

There's so much that I've experienced lately (relationships ending,
career refocusing, personal prioritizing) that I want to blog about, but
I want to give them each a proper presentation. I'm honing back into
myself as my life starts to level out again which means I'll be bringing
it all back to my blog, my home.

Stay on the lookout and thank you for continually being apart of the
journey. Great things are in store...

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that wont happen now
That wont happen now
- from "Top of the World" by Patty Griffin

above is an excerpt from the song i was listening to when i learned of the news, on twitter via rod 2.0, of the death of literary pioneer e. lynn harris. i felt it was a good reason to return to my blog. along with the rest of e. lynn's fanbase, i was extremely shocked. and when i began to look at the reason why it took me back was because i realized that it was e. lynn's literature which encouraged me to confront certain issues within myself and not be afraid to put myself into my literary work. THE THING ABOUT E. LYNN HARRIS' PASSING IS THAT MORE PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ HIS WORK THAN WILL ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGE HIS DEATH FOR FEAR OF BEING GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION (and yes, for a second, i'm talking about the DL, in the closet people...who reap the benefits of someone else's courage but won't admit so for fear of being judged). if you're like me, you were reading his books as a teenager, away from the eyes of your parents, friends, etc. before i was introduced to the world of james baldwin, e. lynn harris, james earl hardy, essex hemphill were my introduction to understanding an untouched facet of myself. my favorite novel by e. lynn would be "just as i am". i even remember sending him an email in college expressing interest in writing a screenplay for one of his books. he responded, too. i think he asked me to send him a treatment or an excerpt. (i can't remember if I followed up or not, lol.) so to mr. e. lynn harris, i wish you a safe transition. job well done.

"I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I dont know why
Dont know why"

so, here's what's going on with me. i've tabled one job offer while i hold out a few more days to see if i get the job i really want, the one with the company i've been interning with since i arrived in l.a. at the beginning of the summer. even with my lack of "agency" experience I was told that I made an impression and was highly recommended by one of the partners, one of my potential bosses. so, we'll see.

i'm still trying to be patient, however. i know this industry isn't supposed to be easy. and many times it's so easy for me to just be like, "to hell with l.a. and its bad job market" and peace out to somewhere a little less competitive. but then i get pulled back. i know this is where i'm supposed to be. this is where i need to stay. as hard as it gets sometimes. a lot of times. but the word for the year is still strength. i gotta remember that.

i've been really disturbed lately from some of the things i've been hearing. the death of that navy sailor, august provost, has disturbed me. i wish there was more publicized about things like this which should get the Black community up in arms instead of some hoodlums (a la the Jena 6). i also read an article yesterday from EURWEB.com and the writer was talking about how Blacks basically have a monopoly on civil rights and how much gays dont deserve to compare with what Blacks went through. and i'm thinking in my head, "are all gays white in your head? what about the black gays who were getting lynched and sprayed with hoses and bitten by dogs???" i guess they won't count simply because their sexual orientations weren't publicized. it's when i hear crap like that that reminds me why i chose film as my medium to express myself about such mental fuckery. god, we've got such a long way to go.

but, i digress.

before i forget, i want you guys to please check out my dude Xem VanAdams new documentary Color Lines Across Rainbow Skies. He touches on some important issues that are obviously prevalent. He could use your support as well as the strength of your individual networks.

umm, what else? i'm sorta dating again, though i don't wanna spoil this post by recounting my activities as of late, but i promise it's coming.

anyway, wherever you are reading this, i just wanna encourage to take a page from e. lynn harris: be unabashedly you. it's a process. but we, especially as Balck men, need to begin the steps. we can't spark a change if we're not visible. so i ask you and challenge myself...let's be visible together.

also, i promise to stop writing in such a lackadaisical style of writing complete with bad punctuation and grammar. it's time to stop being so lazy with my blog. ; )

"cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

To the top of the world
To the top of the world"

...am I living or existing? Existing. I've always just existed. I'm
not sure I know what it means to really live. And feel alive. I've
spent the past ten years tricking myself into thinking my career is
going to bring me unprecedented contentment and happiness. I know it
won't.

So what will...?

You know what I want??? I want someone to listen to Phyliss Hyman
with. Just lay...and listen to Phyliss. And have that be enough.

Watching the BET Awards made me fear for my life in this White man's world...there's bound to be some type of retribution towards Black people for putting that type of fuckery into the universe, lol!!!! No, seriously, watching it made me break out my old Tevin Campbell music. I used to be and am still a huge fan of this guy. Below is my favorite song by him, Dandelion, known by only a few (because most people didn't but his last CD, lol):

So, I'm back. Blogging's been on my mind for the past few days and now I feel like I've delayed it enough. Tonight I'm up late browsing the net. MJ and Farrah Fawcett both passed away yesterday. I always take notice of how the media works on days of major world events; I don't know why but it fascinates me the way news is disseminated and filtered to the public and the methods. It's a way to really appreciate (or be turned off) by how the media works and its power.

So, my life's been very...I don't know. I'm still interning at my company and still enjoy it very much. I even learned that it was okay for me to submit my own work to the management company to consider and review. It was recommended to me by my supervisor to write what is known in the TV industry as a "spec script". So, I ended up writing a spec on 90210. I feel pretty good about it and turned it in earlier this week. It took me ten days to write. I'm still awaiting feedback on it. I'm nervous. So many things could come from me having a strong spec script that my company believes in. It could be the deciding factor in moving from one aspect of the industry to the talent side of it; which of course is where I really want to be. I also introduced my drama series project and my supervisor has since requested to see the pilot episode script, which is a good sign. So, I'm really just a ball of nervous energy. I've never questioned my talent to this extent before now. And I wonder...and worry: am i good? can I write? do i have the potential to be one of the better writers? what if i wasn't trained well by my major in college? what if i suck?

even though you want to feel that you don't need others to validate you, to a certain extent you do. it's the only way you can move forward in this business - through other people's judgement of your work. that's nervewrecking when your options are slim.

i'm still on the job search. not many doors (well, actually none) are opening up for me on that front. but i'm trying to stay optimistic, cause, let's face it...what's the point in being depressed. i do that well. not fun. but next week's a new week, so hopefully it'll bring some good news.

i have been doing a lot of dating lately. and even been more sexually active than i've been, really in years. without going into details, let's just say i've enjoyed myself. however, i still haven't met anyone promising. so, i've put my L.A. dating life on the backburner while i put my full energy on my fledgling career and obtaining gainful employment.

what else? i did a photo shoot yesterday with a great model. check out a shot above. a model from senegal, africa. overall i'm doing well. my uncle from pennsylvania is coming to visit me in l.a. in a few days if all goes according to plan. i really didn't realize how thirsty i was to see a familial face. i really miss my mom and my little brother. especially so close to Independence day...

hmm...i guess i'm not feeling as introspective or creative tonight, so i apologize if this post is kind of boring. i'm really trying to switch up my photography style and go for a more "film" look. i don't know. anyway, until the muse visits me again...

Today I reached out to a former friend. Strictly for business advice.
This was someone I used to consider and think was gonna be one of my
best friends for life. After our exchange I started to wonder how we
got so far from each other. And later I realized the reason: trust.

Anyway, I started to think of the Black men I have met in my lifetime.
I tried to compile a list of "good dudes", but I kept coming up
empty...for the most part. So when I start to think of a partner for
myself, I run into a brick wall. And I wonder, is it me? Am I too
critical? But then I catch myself. It can't be unbelievable to believe
that there is a Black man out there who is a good dude even outside of
my presence. There's gotta be...right?

I have come to a realization: I don't trust men nowhere near like I do
women. But I don't think that's such an extraordinary revelation. I
would like to know why, though. Me, who's always talking about how
indifferent the genders are when compared to each other. I wonder, how
do I explain myself, now?

Speak on it...