I Don't Walk On Water...

I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.

I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.

I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.

I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.

But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.

All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human