Lesson Learned...
I just learned a hard, yet what I feel to be, one of my biggest lessons: If you love someone let them go.
I loved someone. In many different ways and on many different levels. But that person, while they love me, don't desire me on a certain romantic level. And I've been trying to be cool with that. And I realized today that this person has those romantic feelings -- for another. And for reasons that I'm not sure I understand, this person feels like their chosen companion is right for them. And I'm thinking they might be right. And I'm cool with that. Unexpectedly cool.
I believe my feeling is rooted in an ideal which I am very happy to realize that I obviously subscribe to: I want for my loved ones what they want for themselves. And their contentment and peace means the world to me. It's like I once heard someone say, "I want you to be happy...even if it's not with me..."
And I hope I've officially opened myself up to receive love, in whatever form, without condition. And that I'll be emotionally ready when the right love comes along.
WannaBe
I am a wanna be.
Allow me to explain. Sometimes you have this view of yourself that you hold in high regard. Some trait that you've always been proud of, something you thought that no matter what, you were an expert. Then something happens. It's similar to a landslide. It's when your world comes crashing down because that view of yourself was so convoluted. It becomes evident that everyone else views you different. So...
You resign to change. But change takes action. But sometimes you don't know where to start, except back at the beginning.
And I'm not who I used to be, or even what I thought I was.
I am now a wannabe.
And I wanna be a better friend.
I just finished watching the Special Features on my 'Girlfriends: Season 2' DVD. As I was listening to Mara Brock Akil discuss what makes her show work with its audience, I realized why there aren't and probably never will be a successful television series about male relationships. The reason is:
MEN ARE AFRAID TO BE HONEST.
Now, this may not come as quite of a surprise, but it is true. The male psyche is too afraid to relate to another male on an emotional level, because society has taught us that doing so makes us "feminine". This is what I hate most about men, who, you will learn, I have a love/hate for. Though I love women, I do so in a way that is not just an appreciation of their physical traits. Women are honest.
When I was in my second or third year of college, I was taking another class by my favorite college professor ever, Ginny Grimsley. I think it was a poetry workshop or a Women in Lit class. Anyway, I remember her making a comment to to me after handing in an assignment. She said that I was feminine. And that that was rare. I remember looking around the class, slightly embarrassed that she would make a comment like that in front of the whole class without explaining her context. Cause while I understood her context completely, my masculinity was too afraid the rest of the class wouldn't. Who knows if they did or not. However, once I came to realize what she meant, as the years rolled on, I got a real understanding of what she meant. The qualities in me aren't necessarily exclusive to women, but it's just that I was honest enough with myself to recognize it and embrace this quality in myself. Ginny had unknowingly (or knowingly) given me an amazing compliment. I wish I could marry Ginny. Because, she got me. And I was loving that someone had finally acknowledged the real me.
But, getting back to my point, that is why I believe there will never be a successful male version of, say "Girlfriends" or "Sex and the City". Men have too much ego, too much pride, too many hang ups to really be free. Men are afraid to be "women"; not women literally, but some of the traits that our society associate with women. And men will never watch a show about men relating to each other in the way that women do with each other.
But, I could always be wrong....
I'm feeling in a weird mood right now. I'm in the midst of a writer's block on my new short film, "BOY" and I'm thinking about relationships past and why I've been so unsuccessful.
I'm demanding. That's what I've been told. I expect too much from my relationships. I guessing that that is my main problem.
I think the problem is that people in general stand in the way of their own happiness. I may even be talking about myself, too. All I want to do is make movies and have an all-fulfilling relationship. But, I've come to accept that that may be just a dream.
I sometimes wonder that with all the people in this world, why is it so hard for people to get together. Or maybe it isn't hard at all. I know for me, I just wish people would keep it real. I'm so sick of meeting people who have issues within themselves, not to say that I don't, but I don't feel like my issues have ever gotten in the way of a potential relationship, except for when I'm working on a film project and I become a social hermit. But, even in those times, I always told myself that if something or someone came up, i would be ready. And I still believe that. The problem is, no one else is...
How does it feel???
How am I feeling right now? Hmmm. Let me see if I can figure it out. I've spent the last few hours working on the script for the last episode of my drama series. I'm trying to find a way to make this project go out with a bang. But, it hasn't hit me just yet. It's gotta be right.
Sigh.
I feel a little bit like myself again. I've been going through a bit of personal trauma lately, though I refuse to write about it. But, I think things are looking up. I just feel like I'm always in transition. (Which, ironically, is my favorite word. Gotta change that....lol) I've gotten a fraction of my confidence back, my self-assuredness, my swagger. Now, I have to start getting back to me. After putting my personal life on hold for the past year and a half, I have some rebuilding to do once filming on the show ends. Now, how in th hell do I do that?
I think that when I started this show, I assumed that the people I met would compensate for the personal life I would be giving up. And even though some things and some friendships didn't work out, I can't say I'd do it any differently. I feel like I've grown tremendously. For someone who thought they knew who they were to begin with, I certainly have been tested. I have been changed in ways I don't even think I'm aware of yet. But, one thing I think I've learned is that no matter what, I always need to make sure I have a perspective. On myself. On people. On everything. That's the only way you know who you are. You can't get caught up in...no pun intended...the drama. And as a writer, a dramatic writer, who is living the stories I am writing about, that's an easy trap to fall into. So many times since working on this project, I've lost my perspective. And struggled to get it back. And when I did, questioned myself about it. Yeah, it's that self-conscious thing that is a weakness of mine.
One thing I can say for sure is that I have given myself. I've given myself to people, to relationships, to the cause. More than I ever expected to. And that was a risk I took. Even when it left me caught out there to deal with myself, by myself. Cause everyone else had gotten what they wanted from me and most didnt even stop to check and see if I was still breathing. Well, I was. Barely.
I've made some great friends. I've met people; some of whom I wouldn't mind if I never worked with again. I've learned who is really out for me and I can count those people on one hand. I've been used. I've been taken advantage of. I've been lied to. I've been cheated. I've been gossipped about. I've been tried. All by my "friends". Yeah. Yeah.
I've learned to be accountable for myself and my decisions even when no one else is going to do the same for theirs. With working with so many characters, I've learned about true character. And I'm a better writer for it. And maybe a better person.
I recently finished the first draft of my feature-leangth script. I am simultaneously working on the scripts for two short films. I already have actors in mind that I want to use. (Just as long as no one pisses me off between now and then...lol) Just getting back to writing has been such a blessing for me. Cause if I can't write, I'm no good to anyone. Including myself.
Right now I am loving Kimberley Locke's new song, "Change". As she so aptly puts it: "I feel a change coming over me..."
So, how am I feeling right now?
(Smiles.)
I'm changing.
I don't exactly remember how I met TJ. All I know is our relationship, more correctly, our arrangement lasted two years. I don't remember our first encounter, but i do remember immediately being attracted to him. What started out as a simple one night stand, gave way to something that I wasn't prepared for. I was a 19 y/o college sophomore. He a 27 y/o graduate of FAMU. I usually was only into dark skinned guys, like my ex Kris, but TJ was red and obviously the exception.
One thing I can say for TJ is that he is consistent. He always wanted the same things performed on him. I think my need for affection and consistency is what allowed me to get comfortable with our arrangement. He always called after 11pm; from an unknown number. After a few months of us hooking up, I stopped answering his calls until he unblocked his number and allowed me to have his digits as well. There ended up being plenty of times I would call him up and he'd make time for me. And when he did call, I always knew what was up. And I very rarely said no. During my Senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, I was the king of one-night-stands. So, having a consistent somebody was a welcome change.
The routine was always the same. I'd pull into his apartment complex and park my car in the same spot, every time. I'd knock on his door and wait. I knew from our conversations that his roommate worked nights. Sometimes, he got a little ahead of himself and invited me over before his roommate left. It was funny to watch him usher me in his room and make me keep silent until his roommate left. Each time it was the same routine. He'd let me in the front door and no sooner than we turned the corner to his room, his boxers were already off and he'd assumed the position(s). I must say his way of getting right to it, was a huge fucking turn-on. And it was always good.
We only had actual sex twice. Well, one and a half. The first time, I couldn't take it, so we stopped. I would always ask him why he never wanted to go further beyond our oral excursions, and he would say because he was scared of making a mistake. After a year or so of us hooking up, I started thinking that maybe the reason he never wanted to go all the way is because he actually had something. I think my excitement over being with him won out over my better judgement, even though we were always safe.
One thing I loved about TJ is that he loved whatever I did with him. It was addictive. He was a tall guy with a thick muscular build and I loved his body. And I always aimed to please.
But, soon pleasing him grew old. And I started wanting something more. So, threw myself into my Junior year of college and my filmmaking and began to stop answering his late night calls...
When imagination becomes more vivid than life....
I always thought I was so good at separating my reality from my fiction. But, tonight has been the most dreadfully eventful night I have had in years. Not only did me and my friends put ourselves in a very deadly situation, but I also had to reveal some damaging thoughts I was having about people I consider friends. I don't really know what to believe and I keep wondering why I care at all. Or why people care about what other people are doing. Am I that damn self-conscious? Am I that insecure? Why can't what I do know be enough? And between myself and my various group of friends there are so many secrets, lies, and speculations that I have a feeling that something is going to be the sacrifice: That being the one thing that I love more than anything: my show.
I'm feeling really crappy right now. And more alone than usual. I know I probably sound like a very depressed and tortured soul. I just keep drifting further and further away from that peace that I only dream about. Help me.