I Don't Walk On Water...

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that wont happen now
That wont happen now
- from "Top of the World" by Patty Griffin

above is an excerpt from the song i was listening to when i learned of the news, on twitter via rod 2.0, of the death of literary pioneer e. lynn harris. i felt it was a good reason to return to my blog. along with the rest of e. lynn's fanbase, i was extremely shocked. and when i began to look at the reason why it took me back was because i realized that it was e. lynn's literature which encouraged me to confront certain issues within myself and not be afraid to put myself into my literary work. THE THING ABOUT E. LYNN HARRIS' PASSING IS THAT MORE PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ HIS WORK THAN WILL ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGE HIS DEATH FOR FEAR OF BEING GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION (and yes, for a second, i'm talking about the DL, in the closet people...who reap the benefits of someone else's courage but won't admit so for fear of being judged). if you're like me, you were reading his books as a teenager, away from the eyes of your parents, friends, etc. before i was introduced to the world of james baldwin, e. lynn harris, james earl hardy, essex hemphill were my introduction to understanding an untouched facet of myself. my favorite novel by e. lynn would be "just as i am". i even remember sending him an email in college expressing interest in writing a screenplay for one of his books. he responded, too. i think he asked me to send him a treatment or an excerpt. (i can't remember if I followed up or not, lol.) so to mr. e. lynn harris, i wish you a safe transition. job well done.

"I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I dont know why
Dont know why"

so, here's what's going on with me. i've tabled one job offer while i hold out a few more days to see if i get the job i really want, the one with the company i've been interning with since i arrived in l.a. at the beginning of the summer. even with my lack of "agency" experience I was told that I made an impression and was highly recommended by one of the partners, one of my potential bosses. so, we'll see.

i'm still trying to be patient, however. i know this industry isn't supposed to be easy. and many times it's so easy for me to just be like, "to hell with l.a. and its bad job market" and peace out to somewhere a little less competitive. but then i get pulled back. i know this is where i'm supposed to be. this is where i need to stay. as hard as it gets sometimes. a lot of times. but the word for the year is still strength. i gotta remember that.

i've been really disturbed lately from some of the things i've been hearing. the death of that navy sailor, august provost, has disturbed me. i wish there was more publicized about things like this which should get the Black community up in arms instead of some hoodlums (a la the Jena 6). i also read an article yesterday from EURWEB.com and the writer was talking about how Blacks basically have a monopoly on civil rights and how much gays dont deserve to compare with what Blacks went through. and i'm thinking in my head, "are all gays white in your head? what about the black gays who were getting lynched and sprayed with hoses and bitten by dogs???" i guess they won't count simply because their sexual orientations weren't publicized. it's when i hear crap like that that reminds me why i chose film as my medium to express myself about such mental fuckery. god, we've got such a long way to go.

but, i digress.

before i forget, i want you guys to please check out my dude Xem VanAdams new documentary Color Lines Across Rainbow Skies. He touches on some important issues that are obviously prevalent. He could use your support as well as the strength of your individual networks.

umm, what else? i'm sorta dating again, though i don't wanna spoil this post by recounting my activities as of late, but i promise it's coming.

anyway, wherever you are reading this, i just wanna encourage to take a page from e. lynn harris: be unabashedly you. it's a process. but we, especially as Balck men, need to begin the steps. we can't spark a change if we're not visible. so i ask you and challenge myself...let's be visible together.

also, i promise to stop writing in such a lackadaisical style of writing complete with bad punctuation and grammar. it's time to stop being so lazy with my blog. ; )

"cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

To the top of the world
To the top of the world"

...am I living or existing? Existing. I've always just existed. I'm
not sure I know what it means to really live. And feel alive. I've
spent the past ten years tricking myself into thinking my career is
going to bring me unprecedented contentment and happiness. I know it
won't.

So what will...?

You know what I want??? I want someone to listen to Phyliss Hyman
with. Just lay...and listen to Phyliss. And have that be enough.

Watching the BET Awards made me fear for my life in this White man's world...there's bound to be some type of retribution towards Black people for putting that type of fuckery into the universe, lol!!!! No, seriously, watching it made me break out my old Tevin Campbell music. I used to be and am still a huge fan of this guy. Below is my favorite song by him, Dandelion, known by only a few (because most people didn't but his last CD, lol):

So, I'm back. Blogging's been on my mind for the past few days and now I feel like I've delayed it enough. Tonight I'm up late browsing the net. MJ and Farrah Fawcett both passed away yesterday. I always take notice of how the media works on days of major world events; I don't know why but it fascinates me the way news is disseminated and filtered to the public and the methods. It's a way to really appreciate (or be turned off) by how the media works and its power.

So, my life's been very...I don't know. I'm still interning at my company and still enjoy it very much. I even learned that it was okay for me to submit my own work to the management company to consider and review. It was recommended to me by my supervisor to write what is known in the TV industry as a "spec script". So, I ended up writing a spec on 90210. I feel pretty good about it and turned it in earlier this week. It took me ten days to write. I'm still awaiting feedback on it. I'm nervous. So many things could come from me having a strong spec script that my company believes in. It could be the deciding factor in moving from one aspect of the industry to the talent side of it; which of course is where I really want to be. I also introduced my drama series project and my supervisor has since requested to see the pilot episode script, which is a good sign. So, I'm really just a ball of nervous energy. I've never questioned my talent to this extent before now. And I wonder...and worry: am i good? can I write? do i have the potential to be one of the better writers? what if i wasn't trained well by my major in college? what if i suck?

even though you want to feel that you don't need others to validate you, to a certain extent you do. it's the only way you can move forward in this business - through other people's judgement of your work. that's nervewrecking when your options are slim.

i'm still on the job search. not many doors (well, actually none) are opening up for me on that front. but i'm trying to stay optimistic, cause, let's face it...what's the point in being depressed. i do that well. not fun. but next week's a new week, so hopefully it'll bring some good news.

i have been doing a lot of dating lately. and even been more sexually active than i've been, really in years. without going into details, let's just say i've enjoyed myself. however, i still haven't met anyone promising. so, i've put my L.A. dating life on the backburner while i put my full energy on my fledgling career and obtaining gainful employment.

what else? i did a photo shoot yesterday with a great model. check out a shot above. a model from senegal, africa. overall i'm doing well. my uncle from pennsylvania is coming to visit me in l.a. in a few days if all goes according to plan. i really didn't realize how thirsty i was to see a familial face. i really miss my mom and my little brother. especially so close to Independence day...

hmm...i guess i'm not feeling as introspective or creative tonight, so i apologize if this post is kind of boring. i'm really trying to switch up my photography style and go for a more "film" look. i don't know. anyway, until the muse visits me again...

Today I reached out to a former friend. Strictly for business advice.
This was someone I used to consider and think was gonna be one of my
best friends for life. After our exchange I started to wonder how we
got so far from each other. And later I realized the reason: trust.

Anyway, I started to think of the Black men I have met in my lifetime.
I tried to compile a list of "good dudes", but I kept coming up
empty...for the most part. So when I start to think of a partner for
myself, I run into a brick wall. And I wonder, is it me? Am I too
critical? But then I catch myself. It can't be unbelievable to believe
that there is a Black man out there who is a good dude even outside of
my presence. There's gotta be...right?

I have come to a realization: I don't trust men nowhere near like I do
women. But I don't think that's such an extraordinary revelation. I
would like to know why, though. Me, who's always talking about how
indifferent the genders are when compared to each other. I wonder, how
do I explain myself, now?

Speak on it...

They say beauty buys what a child gets for free. I'm not a child anymore. But when I was, I still had to work for it.

Guess that's what happens when you grow up in a house full of girls. Being pretty got pretty damn old. I had to find something else.

I'll admit it, I don't look as good as I used to. At least that's what James tells me. That's my pimp. "Girl, act like you got some hips! Pull that skirt up and show them thighs! Niggas ain't gonna pay for what they think you ain't got!"

And he's right. I ain't got much. And maybe I'm not cut out for this. But, what else is there, you know?

And I see you: When you hurry your daughters across the street hoping they don't see me twistin' my way into some trick's car. Praying they don't think it's okay. To be like me. Cause nobody ever says they wanna be a hooker when they grow up, huh? Well, guess what? We don't exactly plan it either.

But, hey, I'ma put on a smile, a tight halter, and twist a little bit harder cause, hell, I ain't got much else, you know.

Except for what's left of my heart.

And don't cry for me. I'm better at it than you.

Promotional Monologue from VICTIM, the new film by lamontpierré