I Don't Walk On Water...

I'm attempting to increase my subscriptions to my TV Drama series project MY BROTHER'S KEEPER on Youtube. Please subscribe and pass along!!!!

I just had a big argument with my 18 y/o little brother. It was over something stupid and it was his immaturity that caused it. And like a dumbass, I took the bait. Lol. One conclusion that I came to and it's one that I struggle with from some people in my life is the ability to be direct. An unacknowledged issue to me is not an issue. I advocate directness. I'm not one of those people that enjoy the dance. You got a problem, address it and let's deal. If you're not going to do that, shut the hell up. That's a personal philosophy I wish more people around me would adopt. Life's too short to bullshit me or yourself...

Sup everyone....little frustrated right now. I'm putting together packages: a DVD screenes for a film festival for one of my short films, a copy of my feature film script at the request of a production company and DVDs of my indie drama series MY BROTHER'S KEEPER.

But...............My DAMN Macbook Superdrive isn't burning DVDs correctly and I'm really pissed about it. I don't know what's wrong and I'm pissed because I just replaced my DVD drive for the second time last summer and am really not trying to pay for a new one right now.

Fuck!

I also just finished watching Ted Haggard on Oprah and have three words for him:

Please shut up!!!

Oh yeah, and Casey Anthony, I'm tired of you clogging up my favorite political shows on CNN. Please fix that.

Okay, I'm done. It's been raining all evening and I love the sound of the rain. That'll chill me out.

Until tomorrow....

I know I'm late, but I just finished watching Notorius about the life of the Notorius B.I.G. Now, I'm re-downloading his catalog of hits and updating them to my iPod. I've spent the past few days watching movies, mainly the Oscar contenders. So far I've checked out Changling, which I loved (and even downloaded the beautiful score), and Revolutionary Road, which was cool, too.

Anyway, the Biggie film was surprisingly cool. I mean, I have my criticisms, but once the film reached the second act, I was into it and for the most part I stayed engaged the whole time. I felt like the players did a good job. The end made me feel like I was watching the stereotypical hood movie. But, that's not surprising; a talented man was taken away because of what I call "hood shit".

Watching the film, I can understand Lil Kim's frustration over her portrayal. However, I do feel the filmmakers tried to make her as much of a round character in the film as they had time for. They even tried to wrap up her character with some dignity at the end by showing Biggie placing a phone call to her moments before his death. But the truth of the matter is this: Biggie eclipses Kim. He did in life and he still does in death. That will never change and so she could have just sucked up her misgivings about the project and shown love for him by making her contribution to this project strong. She'll have her chance to make her movie, so she really has no need to shit on what this film was trying accomplish, flaws and all. And it did have some flaws.

Of course my dude Anthony Mackie [insert big dreamy sigh here] did a surprisingly great job as Tupac. I have to admit, I was a little wary of the decision to cast him as the late rapper, but that's the testament to a great actor. My man rose to the occasion! [insert another big dreamy sigh here] Once again Anthony Mackie (in case you're Googling your film reviews) I have a film script for you, ready and waiting!

Now,it was clear that even though this film was about Biggie, it was Voletta Wallace's story. This probably accounts for a number of inaccuracies (for one, not showing Biggie's paranoia with being killed). But the film was a fitting tribute nonetheless. And why shouldn't mother have the last word...

Listening to the music in the film definitely forced me to relive moments of my life that I don't usually think about: the mid-90s. I remember where I was when me and my older bro (a huge Biggie fan) heard of the deaths of Tupac and later Biggie. I remember the news stories, the radio interviews, the magazines (My bro collected issues of The Source, and I had a subscription to VIBE). We kept up with everything music related. Hearing those throwback hits from when Bad Boy was actually a credible label, reminded me of the teenage house parties we had when my parents were stationed at Nellis AFB -- watching my big bro and his friends fight over what music was gonna be played next....Death Row or Bad Boy, slow dancing with the girls we wanted to hook up with, making our parents leave the house and not come back til early in the morning, making sure random fools weren't doing God knows what in my bedroom while the parentals were gone. lol. Damn. We had sooo much fun back then. There was nothing like the mid-90s. I miss those fucking days so much. When my only responsibility was just to be a kid.

So, for what it's worth, thanks Biggie for teaching us why its important to sometimes remember the small things...which we later come to appreciate as the B.I.G. things. So, for now, I think I'll turn on "Juicy" and do some more reminiscing.

Woke up this morning and these words were on my mind. I guess some things I still haven't gotten over...

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
It looks like you've given up
You've had enough
But I want more
No I won't stop
Because I just know
You'll come around
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don't mind at all

It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it's got to be right,
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

I don't believe you

Lyrics from I Don't Believe You by Pink.

I'm producing and directing a series of one-act plays!! I am officially in pre-production in turning four of my short film screenplays into stageplays. I'm really excited and finally feel like I'm making steps to step back into my "career". I start casting actors soon. I haven't thought of a name for my play as I need something that will tie all of the stories together. I'll keep you posted.

There's an old African proverb it says:

It's not you you call me, but what I answer to.

I remember when I was a kid and I first read that quote. I actually read it in Whoopi Goldberg's Book years ago. I set that as a motto for my life. Now, ten years later, I wonder if I still believe that 100%. If what we call ourselves doesn't line up to how we are identified as others, what's the truth? Or does the truth not matter anymore.

The reason I got to thinking about this is because I was watching a clip of the Tyra show on Wonder Man's blog (Maybe it's just me...). On the clip there was a "str8" guy who labels himself as gay for pay. It was interesting because while he saw himself as straight, his girlfriend, labels him as bi-sexual because of his pornographic activities. She herself is bisexual. I'm thinking to myself, is this guy in denial or are we really what we call ourselves? And should the rest of the world have to accept what we choose to call ourselves, even if it's not the truth......???

**Disclaimer: This post may not make much sense...

Can you love someone and use them at the same time?
Maybe all love is conditional anyway.
Maybe it's selfish.
And meant to serve ourselves.
After all.

I ask myself
How can my love help you?
Is it only that my love for you
is only meant to help me?
To make me feel better
Quieting my own
Insecurities.
After all.

I just finished watching Capote. I watched it a few years ago with my two best friends at the time. I didn't pay much attention to it then. It's so funny where life takes you. Never then would I have thought I would end up falling in love with one of my best friends after that. This is the friend who I always felt was using me as a professional contact to help them achieve in their career. Now, after watching the movie Capote again, it seems so much can be applied to my life; and to the one who made me watch it in the first place; the best friend.

In the film, Harper Lee asks her best friend Truman Capote if he is in love with the killer he is writing his non-fiction novel, In Cold Blood, about. He asks how he can love someone and use them at the same time. But clearly, by the end of the film you see how he did both. He used the killer as the subject of his classic book and, because of his love for him, made steps to get the killers off. At the same time, I believe that the killer was either in love with Capote as well, or at least pretending to be, in order to get off. But, in the last scene of the film, when all bets were off, when the killers had no other option but resign to the death penalty, the killer left a sign, which was a drawing he made of Capote. So, I think the killer loved Capote as well and was also using him.

Maybe, the one I loved, the one who I felt was using me, loved me as well, if only to use me. Maybe I used them as well.

So....

Can you love someone and use them at the same time...

Apparently so...?

Hmm...

It bothers me that my father who has been a part of my life all my life prefers to keep in touch with my mother, his ex-wife, than he does his three sons. My father lives in Las Vegas and has for several years. He doesn't speak to my older brother who lives in the same city. I haven't talked to my father too many times since he suffered his brain aneurysm late 2007.

I have told my mother many times that by her keeping up communication with my father she is doing nothing but endorsing the fact that he is a bad father. She just says, "you guys are all grown. What can I do?" That response makes me even angrier. He called her for her birthday. He didn't call me for mine two months ago.

I have a feeling that my father won't deem me worthy until after I graduate college. I think I am a failure to him now. Even though he has a master's degree from UNLV but his most recent job before his aneurysm was as a taxi driver.

After looking up to my Dad my whole life, I think of him now as the biggest loser I've ever known.

Or is it me???

Below is a scene from a story I began writing last year. It's from a work-in-progress screenplay called "On the Eve of A Kiss":

INT. ISAIAH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Patrick removes his gaze from his LSAT study guide. He watches his best friend pacing, slowly wearing a thin track in his Berber rug - the one he spent five years saving for.

ISAIAH
Married?! I can't believe she's getting married!

Isaiah reaches for the cordless phone on the countertop. He moves his fingers to dial.

PATRICK
Could you put that down for just a second?

ISAIAH
Not now, man. I got a million things to do. I gotta find the venue, try to block the caterer, maybe I can let all the air out of his tires...

PATRICK
I love you.

Isaiah stops. Startled. Frozen. Turning.

ISAIAH
Why...did you say that...like that?

Patrick stands. Blinking. Breathing.

PATRICK
I’m your boy. But you don’t know me half at all. Not even enough to notice me.

ISAIAH
Pat, what are you talking about?

PATRICK
I watch you. You’re like the wind. You blow through woman after woman. And my dating life, well, it sucks. And I look at you. And I find myself thinking: all I want is acknowledgement. Something to show that I’m here. That what I’m feeling is valid. And that I don’t just exist in your life just for your benefit.

Silence.

Silence.

Isaiah clears his throat.

ISAIAH
Look...man. If this is how you choose to live your life then that’s your problem. You know, I wish you would have told me you were like...this, a long time ago. Because...

PATRICK
Because what?

ISAIAH
Well, I don’t know. Maybe I’d have done some things differently.

PATRICK
Like what?

Isaiah puts his hands in his pocket.

PATRICK
Like being friends.

Isaiah is silent.

PATRICK
You should go.

Isaiah puts on his parka. He exits out the front door.

I'm currently working on a one-man show. I'm writing it for a male actor. Maybe even for myself. Anyway, I haven't touched it a while, but I have an excerpt from it below. I'm gonna post excerpts from it as I go. The speaker is a homeless aspiring actor. Tell me what thoughts and images come to mind:

I keep my pistol next to me as I sleep. I wait for the perfect night when using it just makes sense. They gonna write a great story about me in the morning.

he's shown back up again.
Who is he?
Guess he doesn't matter.
He's everything
I don't need.
Never fails.
Many weeks
No contact.
Always said
he'd need me
long before
i needed him.
Never fails.
emotional fuckwittage
at its finest.
he's a pro.
master
manipulation.
So here we are.
On guard again.
Cause I've learned
Not to trust
What I've always
followed.
So
Heart
keep your distance.
mind and body await
Reluctant to follow.

Inspired by the great Emily Dickinson

I hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith
A fighting chance
And when you get the choice
To sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I recently sat through a screening of Tyler Perry's "A Family That Preys". Neglecting the fact that that film was two hours of my life I will never get back, there was a nice surprise at the end. Gladys Knight was featured at the end doing a remake of Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance". I've loved this song for years and now Gladys has done an amazing reading of it. Every time I hear a version of the song, I get chills. For some reason the message in it resonates with me every single time. It's a well-written song and probably would be my favorite song ever. The soundtrack for "A Family That Preys" hasn't been released but I did find the Gladys Knight version that someone ripped for Youtube. Check it out:

night falls and i'm calling out your name
and you're
right where i want you to be
tears turn to stars in my eyes
and your
love is an old mystery...

superlover
i wonder
does every other lover
in the world
make each other feel
the way you make me feel?

by labelle

You ever find yourself dating someone and at some point you realize
you're not into the person. Not even that the person's a loser or
anything, but you kind of know in your heart you're not into the person,
they're not good for you or whatever. Then you find out or you infer
that that other person is not into you either. You ever find yourself
going, ''Well, what's wrong with me???''

I did that today. Lmao.

Last night I bought this documentary on iTunes called "On the Downlow". It's fairly new and was definitely an interesting watch. It reminded me of a lot of dudes from my college years and in some places, reminded me of myself, years ago. Anyway, an aspect of it got me to thinking. There was this thug dude who had a girlfriend but also slept with "femme queens" and drag queens. He was talking about how he thinks his girlfriend knows about him because in a big argument she called him all kinds of faggots. He then later said how he and his girl got back together and now live together. He have advice to all the people on the DL to tell their female partners, especially when it came to their health. Then he proceeds to say, "My girl will never find out that stuff from me. She would have to find out some other way." Total contradiction, right?

I was talking to my homegirl last night and told her that that's one of the main reasons why I'm reluctant, maybe even a little afraid, to become sexually active again. I have a friend now, and he already knows that we won't be getting busy for a long time. lol. But, I'm feeling like even after trust is established, their is still a risk it'll be broken. Even when monogamy is established there is still a risk. The situation I'm in now is shaping up to be my first "mature relationship". I had previously taken a break from all relationships early in college; a break that turned into almost four years of no dating activity whatsoever.

Damn. I feel so nervous. My last "best friend" really brought a lot of trust issues, I didn't know I had. I don't know when I'll be ready to be totally sexually active. I'm not even sure I'm ready for this new "relationship". But, I'm 25 now. Aren't I too old to be scared???

I figured out why musicians like Lauryn Hill and Amy Winehouse live the art they present to the masses. All while we look at them and label them as crazy. Yet, these are the biopics we'll go crazy over years from now. I guess my point is that these are examples of artists who really lived. They are, unconsciously, working towards a great biopic about their lives which may not even happen until after they are gone. The more "crazy" their life, the better their picture.

I hear Mary J. is going to be playing Nina Simone. I think that's a great choice.

I want a really good biopic.

I need to go out and start some mess. Or get to livin'. Cause my story is gonna need to win somebody an Academy Award.

What will your story be about?

Sighs.

Okay. I'm tired of negroes nowadays. I was just reading about how Kanye is gonna be posing nude sometime soon (see Perez Hilton), D-list R&B producer Polow Da Don is comparing him and Ciara to Aaliyah and Timbaland (see MTV News) and Ne-yo crying once again that he isn't gay -- via Myspace (see ybf.com).

As a sidenote: Ne-yo, I saw those pics with you in the tight black tank top and jeans with a lip ring, arched eyebrows and glossy lips. So, to you, I say: BOY STOP!

Is humility no longer in the dictionary or something. It's amazing to me all these "artists" and I use that word loosely think we care that much about them based on the ridiculous fuckery that comes out of their mouths. Kanye, I will say is on his way to becoming a musical legend, but he could stand some humility as well. I don't get it. I know that artists have a tendency to be crazy, but come on! These people today be feeling themselves way too damn much. The shit is sickening.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program.

Let's say you were in love.
Let's also say that the person you were in love with "knew" this
But by no admission of yours.
They just "knew".
But
This person did not feel the same.
So they say.
A classic case of unrequited love.
So they say.
They see you falling
They SEE you falling.
Do they have an obligation
To keep you from falling or
At least
Lessen the impact
Of the fall?
On the other hand
Switch places
What do you do
When you're not the one
falling...?

Speak on it...

I love this show. It originally aired on HBO but was cancelled after one season. I have to buy the DVD, though. Lisa Kudrow was hilarious in it. I'm not fan of Friends, but Lisa Kudrow is hella funny and is one of my favorites along with Debra Messing, Megan Mullaly and Kathy Griffin. Watch this clip from Youtube:



LMAO at:

"I turned down the lead in a TV movie about a woman who gets raped by the whole town. But it deals with abortion and...I don't want to go anywhere near that! Plus, it's shot in Nova Scotia, you know. Get raped all day and then nowhere nice to have dinner..."

Funny ish.

I've been a little frustrated because I haven't been able to think of anything to blog about. Nothing too significant has taken place yet in the new year that I deemed worthy to talk about. I guess I've got my eye out for what will be my first disaster of the new year...lol.

So, I guess I'll talk about my current mood. I titled this blog "Taking Direction" because I think that if you're on a journey (or a to be in flight as I like to say), you have to have an idea of where you wanna go or even what you want to see. I see many things on the horizon. I am excited at my goals for this year. I'm excited because I've been able to seemingly put many things that used to bother me to the back of my mind.

This year I wanna take risks. What I mean is I'm going to start being more active and come out of my comfort zone. In the past I usually stick with my strong qualities and focus only on those. But, this year I want to expand my palette of skills and talents. And the way I plan to achieve is through hard work. One of the first things I have coming up is my first acting class which starts in four weeks.

Now, I've taught myself the art of directing. I studied and I've had on-the-job training. I love directing and working with actors and am extremely comfortable and confident in doing so. I've been doing it consistently since 2004.

But, now I'm venturing to the other side of the camera. I'm a little nervous. Not scared, but nervous. I mean, what if I suck? As a director, I pride myself on being able to reach and get great performances from the most mediocre of actors. I never used to have an interest in being an actor until about six months ago. But I am intrigued to attempt something that doesn't necessarily come natural. Honestly, I'm not worried about being a good actor, I worry about others' expectations of me as an actor. I've realized lately that my emotions have become more accessible to me. As a director, I know that that it is important for an actor to be able to tap into a given emotion at the drop of a hat. I feel that I can do that. The only thing I worry about is the memorization. LOL.

Another reason why acting has always intrigued me is the ways in which you get to show different parts of your personality by bringing life to fictional characters. It's a very intriguing concept to study to become a new person. And I'm game for new ways to express myself emotionally.

So, up until my first class, I just plan to stay in the gym and keep studying. I'm taking a few classes online before I head back to Tallahassee this summer to complete my last semester at FSU. Even when I go back there I will be leading a much calmer and peaceful existence even though I'm only planning to be there for the summer.

Right now since it's 5am, I'm wishing I could go to the gym and workout. I'm really thinking about joining this 24 hour gym that's right off the island. May be worth it.

That's all for now. Until next time...