I Don't Walk On Water...

Last night I bought this documentary on iTunes called "On the Downlow". It's fairly new and was definitely an interesting watch. It reminded me of a lot of dudes from my college years and in some places, reminded me of myself, years ago. Anyway, an aspect of it got me to thinking. There was this thug dude who had a girlfriend but also slept with "femme queens" and drag queens. He was talking about how he thinks his girlfriend knows about him because in a big argument she called him all kinds of faggots. He then later said how he and his girl got back together and now live together. He have advice to all the people on the DL to tell their female partners, especially when it came to their health. Then he proceeds to say, "My girl will never find out that stuff from me. She would have to find out some other way." Total contradiction, right?

I was talking to my homegirl last night and told her that that's one of the main reasons why I'm reluctant, maybe even a little afraid, to become sexually active again. I have a friend now, and he already knows that we won't be getting busy for a long time. lol. But, I'm feeling like even after trust is established, their is still a risk it'll be broken. Even when monogamy is established there is still a risk. The situation I'm in now is shaping up to be my first "mature relationship". I had previously taken a break from all relationships early in college; a break that turned into almost four years of no dating activity whatsoever.

Damn. I feel so nervous. My last "best friend" really brought a lot of trust issues, I didn't know I had. I don't know when I'll be ready to be totally sexually active. I'm not even sure I'm ready for this new "relationship". But, I'm 25 now. Aren't I too old to be scared???