I Don't Walk On Water...

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
- Robert Frost

So, I'm moving to L.A. in April. And I'm trying to decide if I should get rid of my car and get a motorcycle. Thoughts??

So, I just left the groundbreaking for a community center that is to begin construction soon in my neighborhood. It isn't actually my neighborhood, but my mother's family who has lived on American Beach on Amelia Island for many generations. This part of my family were descendents of the famous Harrison Plantation slaves.

Anyway, as I was leaving, i was stopped by an elderly woman who had watched the ceremony from her car. She asked me who I was and upon recognizing my family's name, proceeded to tell me alot about myself. She asked me what I had going on and I told her that I was to graduate from college this summer and from there move on to Los Angeles. She told me that she was very proud of me and that she always knew I would make it.

Now, me being ever the skeptic, was very nice and gracious. But, in my head, I was wondering if this lady knew what she was talking about. Then she went on to tell me that she had read about me many times about my movies and such and even remembered attending a local screening I had for my very first project years ago. That surprised me. It also told me this lady may not be totally off her rocker.

Over the years, I have been featured numerous times in the island's newspaper in reference to my film pursuits. This lady then went on to tell me how she knew I was one of those kids who was "often misunderstood" and probably felt that way through college and life, in general. She said that even though people may not be able to "see" me now, in the future they would look for me. She went on to say that sometimes, you have to "let people be wrong". And that people that "have more power have that right" - so I should let them. She said this may mean that you have to put things to the side "because of the inability to break through", but you only do that for a moment - that you will "always return to whatever it is that drives you".

It was sooooo weird hearing this woman speak such truth. I know it sounds corny, but it was like she knew me and had seen a lot of what I had seen. She made me feel okay with my paths. Okay with forever feeling different. She made me see that it isn't always me.

It all reminded me of a quote that I read on Darian's Blog today:

They’ll see how beautiful I am, and be ashamed.

Below, you can learn a little about my family's beach, tucked away on a small island in North Florida.

So I spent this past weekend on set filming a short film by some filmmakers from Jacksonville. It was my first time acting on camera, in a very minor role and I also assisted the crew. It was a pretty cool experience. I enjoyed acting and it was definitely great being back on set, in the film environment and around film types. I actually learned a great deal by not being the one running the production as the director. I was able to see mistakes I'd made on my past projects through from a different perspective - as an actor. The things I critiqued about working with this project, I critiqued in myself and will be more cognizant of on my own productions in the future. One thing I definitely realized is I MISS MAKING MY OWN MOVIES!!! And I can't wait to be back on set filming on one of my projects.

So, on Valentine's day, which I spent alone, of course (lol), I watched one of my favorite films, Love Jones. Suddenly, I got inspired to start work on what is becoming my next feature film script. It's in the vein of Love Jones, meaning it's got that art-house feel to it. I've been fascinated by snow lately and this story takes place in the snow, which I believe can be very romantic weather. I'm approaching my story as though it's a sort of Love Jones 2, though it clearly isn't necessarily going in that direction. But, I figure, what a nice standard to strive for. Lol.

P.S. It's a love story. One of my character's name is Seven and he's a trumpet player. I'm still searching for a title...

This is a song for the genius child.
Sing it softly, for the song is wild.
Sing it softly as ever you can -
Lest the song get out of hand.

Nobody loves a genius child.

Can you love an eagle,
Tame or wild?
Can you love an eagle,
Wild or tame?
Can you love a monster
Of frightening name?

Nobody loves a genius child.

Kill him - and let his soul run wild.

Langston Hughes

Ok.

I'm not having a very good day. I'm tired as hell from being worked like a freakin slave at work today. In addition, I've been going back and forth between moments of extreme inspiration and creativity to bouts of pessimism and hopelessness.

I have so many things going on right now and all pertain to me trying to get my life back on track. I've been looking back analyzing my mistakes trying to figure out how someone who carefully made decisions because of the confidence I carried in my talents and my abilities has carried me to such lows. A year ago, I was comfortably working for the school district making $30,000+ a year. Not much in the grand scheme but for a college student, I was doing pretty good. I ended up walking away from that position, trying to chase my real "dream". And look at me now. Eating humble pie.

I'm not getting the type of attention from agents that I had hoped for, though it is only month two. I'm trying to stay motivated writing scripts and researching topics for my book, but in some ways I feel that I'm doing a bunch of work, meaning writing, for nothing. What happens if I never get an agent? That's the only I can get work as a writer in the TV/film industry. Hardly anybody looks at anything that lacks reputable representation. And it's so frustrating.

My best friend has been telling me that I need to be in L.A. because I can't build a network from Florida in my industry. And that is the main reason why I'm making the steps to move out West this summer. But, getting my shit together financially and educational-wise is trying. They are everyday challenges that I struggle with a great deal.

I've been feeling very good lately and productive, so tonight is a rare cloudy night.

I'm in need of something, I just don't quite know what it is...

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to all of my readers and especially the followers. I love your comments, messages and support!!! Thank you so much; You follow me, I follow you!!!

Wrote this one sometime last year:

They say I'm a predater. And they might be on to something. Cause I'm that nothing-to-lose type of brother. I aint got nothing and aint nobody ever gonna give me nothin'. So I takes.

And I see you over there wit your girls. In the club tryna be seen, but not be seen. I know the type. You the one hard as a rock. Think no nigga's game can penetrate. You the type, ''I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't need the attention of any man to make me whole.'' Yeah. OK.

But, what you don't understand is that me getting your attention was easy. Gettin' you in my bed? Even easier. You see I played my part well. Managed to play you right out of your...

So now we here and you actin' like you don't wanna. Man, fuck a condom, I don't give a damn if you don't wanna. Am I clean? That's not what you really wanna know. Cause I truth is I coulda had you on the dance floor.

You may say you care, but you and I know what you aint really sayin'; I know that your game aint tight. That you aint wanna be lonely 2nite. I know that you know that I didn't even really have to try.

So 'no' don't mean a thing to me. Cause at this point you aint got no choice. Think I gives a fuck about a disease? That aint gonna change nothin' for me. You know why?

Cause I'm a nothing-to-lose kind of nigga. I aint got nothin and aint nobody ever give me nothin. So I takes it. And you...well, you just gave it away.

- lamontpierre'

Why did I enjoy this year's Grammy program? I actually watched the whole program. That is rare. From Jennifer Hudson's emotional performance, to T.I. and Justin Timberlake to Adele and the woman who sung that song "Stay". I was even glad that Chris Brown and the over-exposed but not very interesting Rihanna had their issues and had to sit out this year's awards. I was exposed to some new music that I will be seeking out for the iPod. How'd you like it?

I don't know what my problem is. I've been writing all weekend, but in the form of poems. I don't know why. Ever since I've settled on the thesis for my first book (I'm writing a book!), I've been writing non-stop - about a range of subjects. I also planning some photography projects. One thing i know has probably been influencing my mood is my decision to skip going back to Tallahassee physically and head directly for Los Angeles. I will finish my degrees at FSU through distance learning by this summer. Since L.A.'s been on my mind more than ever, I've been trying to warm up to the realistic idea of actually living there - at least for a year. I'm also feeling a certain type of way about leaving behind the people I've come to know throughout my college years. It's a necessary matriculation. It's inspiring. It's anticipated....

In my recent days
Art reflects my days with you
Water flows much freely now
And I have flown from you
In remembrance
Of a love coloured in

Hate
That I'm wiser
That I'm stronger now some, too
Maturity means no excuses
Veil of ignorance removed
Can't justify to myself
Why I'm still falling into you and I lie fast

Asleep
Now my memories turn to dreams
New images, a new you
Turning lost prayers into probable hopes
I'd run but I recognize you

Could you be passionate and spontaneous
Could you call me in the middle of the night
Tell me you can't sleep without me
Could you kiss me for no reason
Because you're fixation requires my love
Hold me when we stand next to the water
Afraid I may float

Away
We'll go and I'll have no need to remember
Who you were when you showed up before
While I was still back there
Afraid to dream anew
Caught up in remembering
Memories

- lamontpierre'

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait
Undeniably charming
Uncertainty hints in his eyes.
Manipulated into a quiet rapture
He knows you know;
He's not the man behind the lies.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait,
But, he'll play a character for you;
World renowned as a master of disguise,
He's suffering from more than just two.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait,
He fidgets amidst my still gaze.
He obsesses the length of my brush;
Afright!
Paranoia cripples the stage.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait
Preferring the swiftness of my lens.
He rejects the colors of my palette
A slow death
His breathing slows deep within.

Mr. Ambiguous
Has refused his portrait,
My array of colors prove insufficient.
He runs at the slightest hint of his fear
I would study after him
But he was never really here

- lamontpierre'

I loved my friend. He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends, Soft as it began ----
I loved my friend.

-- Langston Hughes

Geez...

You ask God for honest friends and what do you get?

Honest friends.

So, my friend was reading my blog today and gave me some notes, good, unwarranted, notes. So, I have removed a couple of blog entries because my friend felt I was being too hard on a former famous employer of mine and didn't want me to destroy a bridge I may need later. Totally understandable.

The issue brought up two thoughts:

One, how much I don't like my friends reading my blog. Lol.

Two, how I don't know how good I'm going to be at being a player in the game that is the entertainment industry. I hate the game. I hate that one day I'm going to turn into one of those people that I despise just to be able to have a successful forum such as film to express myself. It's all politics. And I'm usually too lazy to hide my feelings about someone or a particular situation that I don't like or feel comfortable in. And I'm stubborn. I don't feel like myself always doing what people are expecting me to do.

So, my question is how can I toe the line without selling myself out? Is it possible? Because if not, I fear what I will become. And maybe I won't be able to come back.

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
I went down to the den
I found your cd's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
And I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

"Your House" By Alanis Morissette

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself...especially when everybody is watching.

This is a quote I came across by Dave Chappelle. I have a huge amount of respect for Dave. I know many people think that he is crazy for walking away from an extremely lucrative career with his TV show on Comedy Central. But, do you know how much courage it takes to be yourself? An extreme amount when you really think about it. Sadly, a huge majority of us choose not to seek out that courage.

Anyway, Dave was on the money when he chose himself, his personal well being and state-of-mind and his artistic integrity over the "machine". He is a rare case and will always be a role model to me for that reason.

Be yourself.

I'm sure you've heard the latest scandal regarding Olympian Michael
Phelps and the pictures of his use of a marijuana bong at some college
party. As expected, America is up in arms about it - after all, this is
Michael Phelps, our American hero. Now, in regards to Phelps part of me
wants to say this is just some White kid who happens to swim really
well. Nothing more, nothing less. Then another part of me remembers
the old phrase ''to whom much is given much is expected''.

So I'm torn with his role to us, the public at large. However, I suppose it wasn't
his fault he's been rewarded with insane amounts of money all from
people seeking to profit from the attention he brings. I blame our
country for putting this kid on a pedestal just because he swims well
and then make an uproar when we realize he's not a hero, but just some
young kid who may or may not be that bright. A kid who is bound to make
decisions good and bad in his young life. The only difference is his
choices wind up on the covers of magazines and news channels for mass
consumption. I think my final thought about him is that he should be
able to do whatever he wants to do. After all, if you're gonna be a
hero of mine I want you to be authentic. I don't want that fake stuff.

Speak on it...

I have been an Alanis fan since her breakout album Jagged Little Pill. However, I have to admit that with the exception of "Hands Clean", I've been reluctant to check out her later work because I didn't know if the quality would be the same. You know a lot of times artists have a hard time rebounding after that big "breakout" album. I am a huge fan of the JLP album.

But, this morning I woke up mad early and was checking out some of her stuff (along with the Spice Girls, yes, I have a little Spice Girls on my iPod...leave me the hell alone). I also came across this parody she did of the Black Eyed Peas hit,"My Humps". Now, it's a well known fact that I'm always the late one, but I checked it out for the first time and was laughing my ass off! Alanis is a friggin genius! Her version just puts the spotlight on how crappy pop music lyrics tend to be. Her version is an obvious parody, but also makes you interpret the song differently. Anyway, I love artists like her who dare to be creative. Check her out: