I had the strangest dream last night. Okay. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all. It was about someone who I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we'll call this person Chameleon. I think I spend the majority of my time being angry or frustrated with him, which I'm trying to stop. But it's difficult to just stop caring about someone who've you've invested so much in. Even when your mind is telling you that you should.
You know when I realistically try to imagine Chameleon and I together...like that, I do find myself becoming really disgusted. Chameleon is very promiscuous. With women. My intuition makes me think that this involves some men as well. But I digress. It is such a turnoff to me to know that your partner or potential partner has given themselves away to so many people. Especially when you know this person doesn't seem to always use protection. I know, gross, right?
Anyway, hopefully, my heart understands that it needs to catch up with the rest of me in purging this person from my psyche. I get the feeling it's getting the message...
I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.
Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.
I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.
I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.
I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.
But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.
All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.
I guess we'll see what happens.
Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human
You know that excitement that comes when you've clicked with someone new? That tends to be my favorite part of a relationship.
I've met someone. And I'm excited.
Anxious.
But cautious.
Time to put all these lessons I've learned into practice. Because right now I'm a sculptor playing with mounds of clay. I'm praying for a masterpiece.
I just got an internship in New York City. So, I'm getting the hell out of Florida. A place so full of fakeness, losers, and liars. I need a break from these so-called "friends" as they are a constant reminder of my bad judgement.
Looking back, I think that people couldn't handle my honesty. They were just too coward to say that, it wasn't me with the problem. Those people are still cowards today. So they say nothing at all.
But what does it mean when some of these people are still a part of your life.
Maybe they sense my weakness and enjoy preying. Maybe I enjoyed the attention.
Maybe it's been me all along.
Ready for love.
So, this person and I have made up. We talked. They cried. I was honest. And now we're back to working on the friendship. However, my feelings for this person have come back stronger than ever. And though this person has someone that is special to them, I've been trying to just be a good friend. I've been offering up my support. But fuck that! What about my feelings? Why is it that I always have to be supportive and sit back and watch someone else enjoy what's supposed to be mine? I'm tired of doing the moral thing. I want something for me. I've been waiting. I've been praying. And I get nothing. It's not fucking fair. I'm tired of being happy for people and watching them enjoy their happiness...with someone else. And I'm still alone. Being the good friend. The lonely, supportive, faithful friend. And it never is enough. I want something that's mine. And I want someone who wants me just as must as I want them. I feel like my 20s are passing me by and this is the only area I'm missing out on...I'm ready for love.
Lesson Learned...
I just learned a hard, yet what I feel to be, one of my biggest lessons: If you love someone let them go.
I loved someone. In many different ways and on many different levels. But that person, while they love me, don't desire me on a certain romantic level. And I've been trying to be cool with that. And I realized today that this person has those romantic feelings -- for another. And for reasons that I'm not sure I understand, this person feels like their chosen companion is right for them. And I'm thinking they might be right. And I'm cool with that. Unexpectedly cool.
I believe my feeling is rooted in an ideal which I am very happy to realize that I obviously subscribe to: I want for my loved ones what they want for themselves. And their contentment and peace means the world to me. It's like I once heard someone say, "I want you to be happy...even if it's not with me..."
And I hope I've officially opened myself up to receive love, in whatever form, without condition. And that I'll be emotionally ready when the right love comes along.