I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that wont happen now
That wont happen now

- from "Top of the World" by Patty Griffin

above is an excerpt from the song i was listening to when i learned of the news, on twitter via rod 2.0, of the death of literary pioneer e. lynn harris. i felt it was a good reason to return to my blog. along with the rest of e. lynn's fanbase, i was extremely shocked. and when i began to look at the reason why it took me back was because i realized that it was e. lynn's literature which encouraged me to confront certain issues within myself and not be afraid to put myself into my literary work. THE THING ABOUT E. LYNN HARRIS' PASSING IS THAT MORE PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ HIS WORK THAN WILL ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGE HIS DEATH FOR FEAR OF BEING GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION (and yes, for a second, i'm talking about the DL, in the closet people...who reap the benefits of someone else's courage but won't admit so for fear of being judged). if you're like me, you were reading his books as a teenager, away from the eyes of your parents, friends, etc. before i was introduced to the world of james baldwin, e. lynn harris, james earl hardy, essex hemphill were my introduction to understanding an untouched facet of myself. my favorite novel by e. lynn would be "just as i am". i even remember sending him an email in college expressing interest in writing a screenplay for one of his books. he responded, too. i think he asked me to send him a treatment or an excerpt. (i can't remember if I followed up or not, lol.) so to mr. e. lynn harris, i wish you a safe transition. job well done.

"I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I dont know why
Dont know why"

so, here's what's going on with me. i've tabled one job offer while i hold out a few more days to see if i get the job i really want, the one with the company i've been interning with since i arrived in l.a. at the beginning of the summer. even with my lack of "agency" experience I was told that I made an impression and was highly recommended by one of the partners, one of my potential bosses. so, we'll see.

i'm still trying to be patient, however. i know this industry isn't supposed to be easy. and many times it's so easy for me to just be like, "to hell with l.a. and its bad job market" and peace out to somewhere a little less competitive. but then i get pulled back. i know this is where i'm supposed to be. this is where i need to stay. as hard as it gets sometimes. a lot of times. but the word for the year is still strength. i gotta remember that.

i've been really disturbed lately from some of the things i've been hearing. the death of that navy sailor, august provost, has disturbed me. i wish there was more publicized about things like this which should get the Black community up in arms instead of some hoodlums (a la the Jena 6). i also read an article yesterday from EURWEB.com and the writer was talking about how Blacks basically have a monopoly on civil rights and how much gays dont deserve to compare with what Blacks went through. and i'm thinking in my head, "are all gays white in your head? what about the black gays who were getting lynched and sprayed with hoses and bitten by dogs???" i guess they won't count simply because their sexual orientations weren't publicized. it's when i hear crap like that that reminds me why i chose film as my medium to express myself about such mental fuckery. god, we've got such a long way to go.

but, i digress.

before i forget, i want you guys to please check out my dude Xem VanAdams new documentary Color Lines Across Rainbow Skies. He touches on some important issues that are obviously prevalent. He could use your support as well as the strength of your individual networks.

umm, what else? i'm sorta dating again, though i don't wanna spoil this post by recounting my activities as of late, but i promise it's coming.

anyway, wherever you are reading this, i just wanna encourage to take a page from e. lynn harris: be unabashedly you. it's a process. but we, especially as Balck men, need to begin the steps. we can't spark a change if we're not visible. so i ask you and challenge myself...let's be visible together.

also, i promise to stop writing in such a lackadaisical style of writing complete with bad punctuation and grammar. it's time to stop being so lazy with my blog. ; )

"cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

To the top of the world
To the top of the world"

...am I living or existing? Existing. I've always just existed. I'm
not sure I know what it means to really live. And feel alive. I've
spent the past ten years tricking myself into thinking my career is
going to bring me unprecedented contentment and happiness. I know it

So what will...?

You know what I want??? I want someone to listen to Phyliss Hyman
with. Just lay...and listen to Phyliss. And have that be enough.

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