Watching the BET Awards made me fear for my life in this White man's world...there's bound to be some type of retribution towards Black people for putting that type of fuckery into the universe, lol!!!! No, seriously, watching it made me break out my old Tevin Campbell music. I used to be and am still a huge fan of this guy. Below is my favorite song by him, Dandelion, known by only a few (because most people didn't but his last CD, lol):

So, I'm back. Blogging's been on my mind for the past few days and now I feel like I've delayed it enough. Tonight I'm up late browsing the net. MJ and Farrah Fawcett both passed away yesterday. I always take notice of how the media works on days of major world events; I don't know why but it fascinates me the way news is disseminated and filtered to the public and the methods. It's a way to really appreciate (or be turned off) by how the media works and its power.

So, my life's been very...I don't know. I'm still interning at my company and still enjoy it very much. I even learned that it was okay for me to submit my own work to the management company to consider and review. It was recommended to me by my supervisor to write what is known in the TV industry as a "spec script". So, I ended up writing a spec on 90210. I feel pretty good about it and turned it in earlier this week. It took me ten days to write. I'm still awaiting feedback on it. I'm nervous. So many things could come from me having a strong spec script that my company believes in. It could be the deciding factor in moving from one aspect of the industry to the talent side of it; which of course is where I really want to be. I also introduced my drama series project and my supervisor has since requested to see the pilot episode script, which is a good sign. So, I'm really just a ball of nervous energy. I've never questioned my talent to this extent before now. And I wonder...and worry: am i good? can I write? do i have the potential to be one of the better writers? what if i wasn't trained well by my major in college? what if i suck?

even though you want to feel that you don't need others to validate you, to a certain extent you do. it's the only way you can move forward in this business - through other people's judgement of your work. that's nervewrecking when your options are slim.

i'm still on the job search. not many doors (well, actually none) are opening up for me on that front. but i'm trying to stay optimistic, cause, let's face it...what's the point in being depressed. i do that well. not fun. but next week's a new week, so hopefully it'll bring some good news.

i have been doing a lot of dating lately. and even been more sexually active than i've been, really in years. without going into details, let's just say i've enjoyed myself. however, i still haven't met anyone promising. so, i've put my L.A. dating life on the backburner while i put my full energy on my fledgling career and obtaining gainful employment.

what else? i did a photo shoot yesterday with a great model. check out a shot above. a model from senegal, africa. overall i'm doing well. my uncle from pennsylvania is coming to visit me in l.a. in a few days if all goes according to plan. i really didn't realize how thirsty i was to see a familial face. i really miss my mom and my little brother. especially so close to Independence day...

hmm...i guess i'm not feeling as introspective or creative tonight, so i apologize if this post is kind of boring. i'm really trying to switch up my photography style and go for a more "film" look. i don't know. anyway, until the muse visits me again...

Today I reached out to a former friend. Strictly for business advice.
This was someone I used to consider and think was gonna be one of my
best friends for life. After our exchange I started to wonder how we
got so far from each other. And later I realized the reason: trust.

Anyway, I started to think of the Black men I have met in my lifetime.
I tried to compile a list of "good dudes", but I kept coming up
empty...for the most part. So when I start to think of a partner for
myself, I run into a brick wall. And I wonder, is it me? Am I too
critical? But then I catch myself. It can't be unbelievable to believe
that there is a Black man out there who is a good dude even outside of
my presence. There's gotta be...right?

I have come to a realization: I don't trust men nowhere near like I do
women. But I don't think that's such an extraordinary revelation. I
would like to know why, though. Me, who's always talking about how
indifferent the genders are when compared to each other. I wonder, how
do I explain myself, now?

Speak on it...

They say beauty buys what a child gets for free. I'm not a child anymore. But when I was, I still had to work for it.

Guess that's what happens when you grow up in a house full of girls. Being pretty got pretty damn old. I had to find something else.

I'll admit it, I don't look as good as I used to. At least that's what James tells me. That's my pimp. "Girl, act like you got some hips! Pull that skirt up and show them thighs! Niggas ain't gonna pay for what they think you ain't got!"

And he's right. I ain't got much. And maybe I'm not cut out for this. But, what else is there, you know?

And I see you: When you hurry your daughters across the street hoping they don't see me twistin' my way into some trick's car. Praying they don't think it's okay. To be like me. Cause nobody ever says they wanna be a hooker when they grow up, huh? Well, guess what? We don't exactly plan it either.

But, hey, I'ma put on a smile, a tight halter, and twist a little bit harder cause, hell, I ain't got much else, you know.

Except for what's left of my heart.

And don't cry for me. I'm better at it than you.

Promotional Monologue from VICTIM, the new film by lamontpierré

I've always been what women want. I'm used to the looks. The stops. The stares. I'm used to the spectacle. Never thought I'd be the sideshow.

And you don't think I notice. When you're throwing rocks in my window. When you pass me on the street, hoping I won't look your way. When you turn down a different aisle in the supermarket, so you don't even have to look at me.

You don't like me. But, you're fascinated. You don't know me. But, you know my type.

And, you know, I wouldn't even be in this situation if these young girls didn't lie so much about their age. Now, I'm branded for life. Like a fucking serial killer or something.

Shit - I'm not a monster.

I just look like one.

Promotional Monologue for VICTIM, the feature film by lamontpierré.

I was interviewed today by a filmmaker friend of mine, Jazmen Brown, for his new podcast series featuring young Black filmmakers. Check me out!

So...I've been thinking about what I wanted to blog about today since last night. And I think Ill just talk and hopefully hit on everything that's going on. For one, I started back working on my script that I began at the top of this year. I didn't mean to take such a long break, but it's cool because I can approach the subject matter with fresh eyes now. So, that's good. My internship is still going great. I get to meet some great personalities. And I am slowly mastering the art of networking by the relationships I'm building. I am on a search for a manager, so if you know anyone, RECOMMEND ME!!! I still hope to have an agent by the end of the year, but a manager is going to come first for me.

I get frustrated at my internship sometimes because though I'm dealing with the part of the business I'm interested in, I'm on the wrong side of it. I'm the talent. Not the other way around. And it gets frustrating because I keep looking for my windows of opportunities to change the dynamics of the game, as it relates to me, but so far nothing. I am starting to attend more events here and network outside of my internship. I'll be submitting a piece of one of my films to this film series presented by other Black filmmakers later this summer. I'm trying to get attached to more events like that and just network overall. So, if any of my readers are in L.A.....hit me up, I need friends, lol!

I'm starting to veer back into the hardcore, hit the pavement, publicize at every opportunity filmmaker that I was when I was in Tallahassee. Only difference is this time I don't have a team. Now it's just me. And through a series or personal situations that ended up affecting the business, it was the best thing for me to leave certain people behind. Doesn't mean I don't get lonely sometimes, though. But anyway, I'm trying to find ways to market my projects again, mainly my series MY BROTHER'S KEEPER (shameless plug:, which I hope you've checked out on YOUTUBE and are a loyal subscriber, lol.

I recently reached out to about ten of my favorite bloggers and video bloggers on YOUTUBE that I personally subscribe to and enjoy. I asked these bloggers to watch my series and do some sort of review, whether it be a blog entry or video response, positive or negative. However, it's been about four days and not one has responded to my request yet (with the exception of Xem Van Adams -, lol. I'm on Twitter and I'm reading about these people who have thousands of subscribers and are leading these crusades for more whereas, my tally moves at a snail's pace. It's definitely enough to make you question your marketing tactics...

But sometimes I think SOME of these Black bloggers only utilize their chosen medium to increase their public visibility and social life. Their lives don't seem to be all that interesting. And I think to myself, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING TOWARDS other than just running your mouth? Being a mouthpiece spouting an opinion is easy. Anyone can wear next to nothing and turn on a camera. It's easy to give a spirited commentary on the latest Chris Brown/Rihanna scandal. But what are you DOING??? Other than just racking up the numbers. And then what??? Of course, NOT ALL Black bloggers are like this, some do a great job raising discussions and truly are going to be the next generation's Michael Eric Dyson, Marc Lamont Hill, Cornel West, Keith Boykin, etc., but the rest just make you go hmmm... We all know that sometimes we look to gay people to be the more entertaining bunch - loud, extremely visible and at times obnoxious. Maybe that's the appeal. I don't know...I think I command a more rational audience. Quiet. Thoughtful. I've never been the life of the party. Don't wanna be either.

Anyway, the only thing I can do is continue to promote myself and my films, hope that people can appreciate the messages. I do have to say it's a little harder as a filmmaker to promote yourself online if your face and personality is not what you're pushing. It seems the people who do blogs with their shirts off or post provocative images of other people (or themselves) get the most attention, which is not a mystery to me because sex sells, which we've known for ages. And while you'll find sex, shirtless men, hot girls in my film projects, you actually have to watch to find it. Those images aren't the face of what I do, so people tend to pass you by. Therefore missing the messages therein.

But, I remain optimistic. Tonight I'm the featured guest on a new Podcast a filmmaker friend of mine has started. I think I'll probably be posting it here, so you'll get to hear me talk finally and find out some things you probably never knew about me (I can't imagine what it would be).

But, no matter what, always count on me being myself. Cause now that I've got me back, I'm not letting go again. I'm a scorpion in flight.

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