I don't exactly remember how I met TJ. All I know is our relationship, more correctly, our arrangement lasted two years. I don't remember our first encounter, but i do remember immediately being attracted to him. What started out as a simple one night stand, gave way to something that I wasn't prepared for. I was a 19 y/o college sophomore. He a 27 y/o graduate of FAMU. I usually was only into dark skinned guys, like my ex Kris, but TJ was red and obviously the exception.

One thing I can say for TJ is that he is consistent. He always wanted the same things performed on him. I think my need for affection and consistency is what allowed me to get comfortable with our arrangement. He always called after 11pm; from an unknown number. After a few months of us hooking up, I stopped answering his calls until he unblocked his number and allowed me to have his digits as well. There ended up being plenty of times I would call him up and he'd make time for me. And when he did call, I always knew what was up. And I very rarely said no. During my Senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, I was the king of one-night-stands. So, having a consistent somebody was a welcome change.

The routine was always the same. I'd pull into his apartment complex and park my car in the same spot, every time. I'd knock on his door and wait. I knew from our conversations that his roommate worked nights. Sometimes, he got a little ahead of himself and invited me over before his roommate left. It was funny to watch him usher me in his room and make me keep silent until his roommate left. Each time it was the same routine. He'd let me in the front door and no sooner than we turned the corner to his room, his boxers were already off and he'd assumed the position(s). I must say his way of getting right to it, was a huge fucking turn-on. And it was always good.

We only had actual sex twice. Well, one and a half. The first time, I couldn't take it, so we stopped. I would always ask him why he never wanted to go further beyond our oral excursions, and he would say because he was scared of making a mistake. After a year or so of us hooking up, I started thinking that maybe the reason he never wanted to go all the way is because he actually had something. I think my excitement over being with him won out over my better judgement, even though we were always safe.

One thing I loved about TJ is that he loved whatever I did with him. It was addictive. He was a tall guy with a thick muscular build and I loved his body. And I always aimed to please.

But, soon pleasing him grew old. And I started wanting something more. So, threw myself into my Junior year of college and my filmmaking and began to stop answering his late night calls...

When imagination becomes more vivid than life....

I always thought I was so good at separating my reality from my fiction. But, tonight has been the most dreadfully eventful night I have had in years. Not only did me and my friends put ourselves in a very deadly situation, but I also had to reveal some damaging thoughts I was having about people I consider friends. I don't really know what to believe and I keep wondering why I care at all. Or why people care about what other people are doing. Am I that damn self-conscious? Am I that insecure? Why can't what I do know be enough? And between myself and my various group of friends there are so many secrets, lies, and speculations that I have a feeling that something is going to be the sacrifice: That being the one thing that I love more than anything: my show.

I'm feeling really crappy right now. And more alone than usual. I know I probably sound like a very depressed and tortured soul. I just keep drifting further and further away from that peace that I only dream about. Help me.

How do you go about trying to find the old you? About 8 months ago, I embarked on a project that has taken over my life, literally. Though it has been the experience of a lifetime, it has scarred me emotionally, mentally, and even creatively. So, I'm sitting here wondering what I used to be like before this; before I unknowingly passed this point of no return.

When people look at me, they seem so impressed. It's rare for someone like me to have so much together. What they don't know is that every day is a constant struggle to keep my sanity. My self-consciousness doesn't help either. So, while I'm surrounded by things I've always known, nothing looks the same to me. Nothing means what it used to mean. And I keep feeling that any moment I'm going to completely drown in my own creation.

How do you go about trying to find the old you? I would look inside myself, but I don't trust my reflection.

Why is it that we have this need to be in groups? This is a question that I've been wondering for a while. It's like we don't feel valid without association with a group. I'll tell you what this stems from. A friend of mine was at my house. She was on Facebook arguing with her "sister" in their not-really-a-sorority sorority. She was talking about she feels so disrespected that her "sister" was talking bad about her and blah blah blah blah. And I asked her, how she could call someone her sister that she hasn't known that long. I know it might be a dumb quetsion, but what is it with these groups of "brothers" and "sisters". Are we that much in need of some sort of familial bond, even if it's fake, on-the-surface, and short-term. I have a group of people around me, but we are definitely not involved in the group-think mentality. You can pick us all apart because we are so diverse. And most importantly, when I step back from the group, I can still find me. And that's all I care about. How bout you???

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