Hmm. I've recently been narrowing my network. I've recently taken myself off of pretty much all of the social networking sites I belonged to. I miss all of the time I used to spend with myself. Being an avid reader and writer makes you somewhat of a hermit. And I'm loving it!
I'm working on my strength. Mainly the strength to stand behind my decisions as it relates to friends, my relationship, things of that nature. Sometimes when you crowd your inner circle, you start feeling less confident in your intuition which is what comes naturally. Looking back, I'm a little embarrassed at my bad judgement in the people I've let myself come to care about. Time after time , I compromised what I was feeling to placate someone else's feelings. When the whole time I was that one that was okay in the first place.
Solitude helps you make sense of yourself. And my wall is becoming strong. I can't let it get torn down again.
First of all please go and find the song "Trust" by Keyshia Cole. I believe it's on her new CD and it is playing in my head right now and has been all day. It's a nice song. There's even an alternate version with Monica.
Anyway, it's 3:51am and I've been awakened by a text message. My TV is on playing a Roseanne DVD (which is one of the funniest TV series ever, by the way).
Ummm...what's on my mind...???
Well, i guess the main thing is worry. I've been making some personnel changes in my life and I've been praying for the strength to consistent in what I know I need for my life. And, I've been feeling pretty strong lately.
But, do you have people in your life that you're just weak for? It's a really annoying situation. When you try to do your best to remain steadfast, all of that can go out the window due to, I guess, charm of a certain individual(s).
Hmmm...
I definitely think this reveals a weakness in my self-esteem. I also feel it's a trait I inherited from both of my parents, who despite their rocky relationship always found it hard to walk away from each other, even when they both knew better.
Why do we hurt ourselves in this way? Why do we sit around waiting for someone to change when you know good and damn well, they have no desire to?
I try to remember a saying:
It's better to leave than to be left.
And I'm scared of being pulled back into someone. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Pray for me.