Geez...
You ask God for honest friends and what do you get?
Honest friends.
So, my friend was reading my blog today and gave me some notes, good, unwarranted, notes. So, I have removed a couple of blog entries because my friend felt I was being too hard on a former famous employer of mine and didn't want me to destroy a bridge I may need later. Totally understandable.
The issue brought up two thoughts:
One, how much I don't like my friends reading my blog. Lol.
Two, how I don't know how good I'm going to be at being a player in the game that is the entertainment industry. I hate the game. I hate that one day I'm going to turn into one of those people that I despise just to be able to have a successful forum such as film to express myself. It's all politics. And I'm usually too lazy to hide my feelings about someone or a particular situation that I don't like or feel comfortable in. And I'm stubborn. I don't feel like myself always doing what people are expecting me to do.
So, my question is how can I toe the line without selling myself out? Is it possible? Because if not, I fear what I will become. And maybe I won't be able to come back.
There's an old African proverb it says:
It's not you you call me, but what I answer to.
I remember when I was a kid and I first read that quote. I actually read it in Whoopi Goldberg's Book years ago. I set that as a motto for my life. Now, ten years later, I wonder if I still believe that 100%. If what we call ourselves doesn't line up to how we are identified as others, what's the truth? Or does the truth not matter anymore.
The reason I got to thinking about this is because I was watching a clip of the Tyra show on Wonder Man's blog (Maybe it's just me...). On the clip there was a "str8" guy who labels himself as gay for pay. It was interesting because while he saw himself as straight, his girlfriend, labels him as bi-sexual because of his pornographic activities. She herself is bisexual. I'm thinking to myself, is this guy in denial or are we really what we call ourselves? And should the rest of the world have to accept what we choose to call ourselves, even if it's not the truth......???
You ever find yourself dating someone and at some point you realize
you're not into the person. Not even that the person's a loser or
anything, but you kind of know in your heart you're not into the person,
they're not good for you or whatever. Then you find out or you infer
that that other person is not into you either. You ever find yourself
going, ''Well, what's wrong with me???''
I did that today. Lmao.
I figured out why musicians like Lauryn Hill and Amy Winehouse live the art they present to the masses. All while we look at them and label them as crazy. Yet, these are the biopics we'll go crazy over years from now. I guess my point is that these are examples of artists who really lived. They are, unconsciously, working towards a great biopic about their lives which may not even happen until after they are gone. The more "crazy" their life, the better their picture.
I hear Mary J. is going to be playing Nina Simone. I think that's a great choice.
I want a really good biopic.
I need to go out and start some mess. Or get to livin'. Cause my story is gonna need to win somebody an Academy Award.
What will your story be about?
Let's say you were in love.
Let's also say that the person you were in love with "knew" this
But by no admission of yours.
They just "knew".
But
This person did not feel the same.
So they say.
A classic case of unrequited love.
So they say.
They see you falling
They SEE you falling.
Do they have an obligation
To keep you from falling or
At least
Lessen the impact
Of the fall?
On the other hand
Switch places
What do you do
When you're not the one
falling...?
Speak on it...
I've been a little frustrated because I haven't been able to think of anything to blog about. Nothing too significant has taken place yet in the new year that I deemed worthy to talk about. I guess I've got my eye out for what will be my first disaster of the new year...lol.
So, I guess I'll talk about my current mood. I titled this blog "Taking Direction" because I think that if you're on a journey (or a to be in flight as I like to say), you have to have an idea of where you wanna go or even what you want to see. I see many things on the horizon. I am excited at my goals for this year. I'm excited because I've been able to seemingly put many things that used to bother me to the back of my mind.
This year I wanna take risks. What I mean is I'm going to start being more active and come out of my comfort zone. In the past I usually stick with my strong qualities and focus only on those. But, this year I want to expand my palette of skills and talents. And the way I plan to achieve is through hard work. One of the first things I have coming up is my first acting class which starts in four weeks.
Now, I've taught myself the art of directing. I studied and I've had on-the-job training. I love directing and working with actors and am extremely comfortable and confident in doing so. I've been doing it consistently since 2004.
But, now I'm venturing to the other side of the camera. I'm a little nervous. Not scared, but nervous. I mean, what if I suck? As a director, I pride myself on being able to reach and get great performances from the most mediocre of actors. I never used to have an interest in being an actor until about six months ago. But I am intrigued to attempt something that doesn't necessarily come natural. Honestly, I'm not worried about being a good actor, I worry about others' expectations of me as an actor. I've realized lately that my emotions have become more accessible to me. As a director, I know that that it is important for an actor to be able to tap into a given emotion at the drop of a hat. I feel that I can do that. The only thing I worry about is the memorization. LOL.
Another reason why acting has always intrigued me is the ways in which you get to show different parts of your personality by bringing life to fictional characters. It's a very intriguing concept to study to become a new person. And I'm game for new ways to express myself emotionally.
So, up until my first class, I just plan to stay in the gym and keep studying. I'm taking a few classes online before I head back to Tallahassee this summer to complete my last semester at FSU. Even when I go back there I will be leading a much calmer and peaceful existence even though I'm only planning to be there for the summer.
Right now since it's 5am, I'm wishing I could go to the gym and workout. I'm really thinking about joining this 24 hour gym that's right off the island. May be worth it.
That's all for now. Until next time...
Hmmmm....
I'm a little disturbed right now. I woke up this morning from what wasn't necessarily a bad dream. It wasn't a good one either, though. It was about my childhood. Again.
You see, sometimes I get these dreams about my childhood. One particularly annoying aspect of it was the violence that took place between my parents at the hands of my father. Well, last year my father had a brain aneurysm and I almost lost him. Now, he's "better", in everyone else's eyes but mine. And on top of that, we argued a couple months ago about the direction of my life (mainly over my pacing of my education). I will be graduating from college in '09 when I should have been done in '06 or '07. I haven't spoken to him since. At this point, myself and my two brothers are for the most part estranged from my father. He lives in Las Vegas and has for many years. I, of course, am in Florida. I think it is my mother who only communicates with him now, though they've been divorced for many years.
Well, I remembered when I was in Vegas alone while my father was in the hospital, I learned through my uncle that my father was an avid drug user, with his drug of choice being cocaine. For some reason, I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning with that on my mind. I started wondering if my father's drug use had been a factor in his aneurysm. I'm sure it was. I wish I had known that at the time; I could have been more helpful to the doctors. I also started wondering if my father was using drugs when he and my mother would go at it when I was a kid. So, I asked my Mom this morning. Her answer was easy and without hesitation: "Yes. And it was cocaine that he was using."
Hmmmm...
This bothers me. Not necessarily that my father is basically a drug abuser. But, that I wasn't told when I became old enough to understand. Being such an introspective person, I am always looking for explanations for things that happen in my life and what were the contributing factors. I, like many people, am on a journey to discover why I am the way I am and my upbringing is a large part of that. But, my parents kept a great deal from us as adults and that makes me angry. Like my mother, for example. She doesn't seem to understand that what we as kids, experienced as children still affects at least me, to this day. I want explanations. I deserve them. I probably wasn't ready for them as a kid, but as a 25 year old man, I need to know now.
I remember being in third grade and my Dad telling me and my brothers not to go to school and talk about what was going on in my household. I remember one incident when my parents left for work one morning (both of my parents were in the Air Force at the time), only for my mother to return back to the house as I was leaving for the bus stop. She was crying. And bleeding. My father had punched her in the nose in the car while driving to the base together. I remember walking to the bus stop and standing amongst the other children boiling on the inside but with no outlet whatsoever. And had to go the whole day like that. Never uttering a word to anyone.
Sometimes I hate my parents and their methods. Though I have a great relationship with my mother today, I hate how irresponsible they were when it came to our mental and emotional health and development. They worried only about fixing themselves (in my mother's case cause I'm sure my father is still secretly abusing drugs) and never seemed to worry if us, the children were REALLY well adjusted.
I wanna know more. I'm going to continue this conversation with my mother tonight. Stay tuned...