So, my homeboy since high school caught his flight back to Florida yesterday and all I can say is.....Thank God!!! He visited me here in L.A. for a week and I am so glad to finally be alone again. Not that my friend is particularly irritating or anything, I just, for some reason, really value my space. Throughout the week, I kept wondering if I'm even the type to move in with a significant other. This past week, I really pondered that question and what it meant to my life. I don't know why, but I don't like sharing my space.

So, I got a call yesterday from my Dad. He and I have been on the rocks for the past two years, the time after he suffered a brain aneurysm and was hospitalized for months. My dad holds a lot of blame against me, for reasons I have failed to make him understand. I have tried to be sensitive to the fact that he may not be "all there" anymore due to the accident, but he has at times been extremely disrespectful to me. So, I did exactly what me and my brothers are used to doing with my father: stop talking to him. I don't know, he seems to like it...

Well, I invited myself to Vegas this week to spend the first Thanksgiving in almost a decade with my father and older brother. However, the next day, my father calls and explains to me, in so many words, that I am not welcome to Vegas for Thanksgiving if I do not apologize for being "rude" and "disrespectful" in past phone conversations. I wanted to tell him exactly what he can suck when he gave me this ultimatum of sorts. However, I didn't.

What I wanted to tell my Dad the most was that I don't need him. That I haven't needed him for the past 8 years of my life, the span of my entire adult life, where he has insisted on having a volatile relationship with myself and my brothers stemming from his gripping fear of losing control of what he has always deemed as his possessions: his children. At every turn, when we did not do as he "advised" he wrote us off even more. To him, we were "stupid", "dumb", and "disappointing". To him there was no "let them find their own way", it was "why the hell aren't they doing it MY way...?". So, I've gotten used to not having him around, to not talking to him, to not respecting him.

However, I have recently concluded that I do not want my father to die bitter and lonely. His health is already fading fast and with all of his anger towards his family, he's on a fast track to the grave. Add that to his obsession with death and dying. At this point, the only thing I want from my dad is to know that he can have great relationships with his children and that every facet of life is not about being on the battlefield with loved ones. He already has no impact on my life, but I'd be willing to let him into mine, if he lets me into his. But, I know me. And I can give as good as I get. I'm a smart ass and very opinionated. So, I pray for strength to hold back when I really want to set the record straight. To not flinch at his underhanded insults. He's going to have to realize that if he wants to fight, he will be doing it by himself. Throughout this experiment with my Dad, my plan is to not give him the fight he wants, the fight he expects. With a bit of reverse psychology, I plan to bite my tongue and kill him with kindness. After all, isn't that the best way to die? And if, by chance, this little experiment fails, I will not be reaching out ever again. This is the last call...

Today is my 26th birthday and I just woke up. It's been a while since I've visited my blog and this morning I'm thinking of a comment my assistant said to me yesterday. He told me that he admired me because I was so "in-tune" to myself. I had heard a similar comment from one of my bosses who said I was very "self-aware". Those statements have stuck with me. They're interesting. If true, they're most likely the result of many years of insecurity.

I guess it can be said that I know what I don't want; even if sometimes I'm not sure I know what I want. I think I have definitely learned to recognize when I'm comfortable and when I'm not - when to go hard and when to ease up - when to stay and when to go. I know myself better than I did this time last year. Now, just unafraid to actually be myself and to trust my emotions and intuitions.

I've been joking with my boss that I don't have a life. That's partially true. I'm definitely back into my hole. However, it's self-induced and much appreciated. I've recently come to recognize that I go through phases where I am very social and outgoing and then phases where I don't want to be bothered much with the outside world. And I like that. I need that.

I just finished a biography on the life of the writer, James Baldwin. I was so intrigued to read out the life of a writer, particularly a Black male writer, to find out how he coped with the insanity of it all. I think I was looking for some secret to be revealed to me. It seemed to me, after reading the book, that Baldwin spent so many years of his life just trying to find a quiet place to write. He traveled from Harlem to Paris to Istanbul among other places seemingly just looking for a quiet place to write. I think I do the same. I'm already dreaming of life after Los Angeles. I want to travel afar and across the seas. All with the hope that my writing will be gainfully influenced and I'll write that one pivotol story - the one I'm meant to tell.

As for my current life, I have a small circle of friends here in L.A. A circle that doesn't require me to be in someone's club or bar every weekend. I love spending my weekends going to the library, reading or working on new screenplays. At the moment, I'm gearing up to film my first film project in over a year. I'm really excited. I think I'm ready.

So, on my birthday, I am asking myself if the comments from my assistant and my boss ring true. My answer today would be: Maybe so.

So, I kinda......... like someone.

"Home is a place where, if you have to go there, they have to take you
in..." - Bebe Moore Campbell

I believe in God. Even during my phase as an early adult when I thought
the truly smart thing to do was to act as if He didn't exist, I
discovered I couldn't act Him away. Like Celie says in Alice Walker's
The Color Purple, "...trying to do without Him sure is hard..." Many
people who've come across me at some point or another at times in my
life have expressed to me that they didn't think I believed in God.
That my outlook on religion couldn't possibly leave room for
Him. But it isn't true. But I usually leave people to suspect
wrongly. To judge wrongly. In my opinion, it's no one's business.
Now, I'm a big talker. I love to share. But, my spiritual relationship
has always been to personal to wear on my sleeve. I think it's mostly
because I feel most wouldn't understand it. And it's not for anyone to
understand but me. It's something I keep closely guarded. He knows me
better than anyone. And I talk to him daily. Usually in short
thoughts. When I notice a beautiful sunrise. A yellow flower in a
field full of green. A cool, heavenly breeze on a lazy evening. More
often than not, I get offended when I hear people share so much of their
relationship with God with the's as if they're bragging.
Like they need to convince themselves of something. As if they want to
be if they need the support, the job well done. I don't
know about most, but my relationship is too personal to share, which I
very rarely uncover (like right now). I used to think that God wasn't
real because he doesn't speak to me. Not the way I hear he does to
others. Until I learned that he speaks through me. But I wrote this
blog tonight because I wanted to ask a question. I think, if I could
have a conversation with God, and He talk back, I would ask: "Is there
ever a reward for all the pain?"

Sometimes it needs to be said. And sometimes it needs to be heard. A
friend of mine called me today. I originally reached out to him this
week for business reasons and he called me to follow up. As we caught
up on our personal lives and before we hung up, he told me about a frat
brother of his that had just committed suicide. He wanted me to know
that he loved me and to never forget I was well loved. He knowing my
history with depression, told me that anytime I needed to talk to him to
do so and that he would do the same. I was little caught off guard. I
caught myself tearing up. I personally don't hear those words very
often and it had been about three years since I'd heard it from this
particular person. For the past year, I had been having trouble trying
to figure out what he thought of our friendship as it stood today, we
had been through soooo many challenges in the past. But with those
words, he answered my reservations. I have female friends who say "I
love you" so easily to me. But for some reason, him saying it meant so
much. I needed to hear them. I needed to hear today with the way I'd
been feeling as of late. And unbeknownst to me, it was he who I needed
to hear say them. "I love you." It made a difference in ways he'll
never understand.

So. I don't quite know how to start this topic or how to explain how I
got the inspiration for it. Recent conversations and happenings have
made me realize that the people I used to know didn't deserve the
pedestal I placed them on. I used to think my old "friends" were so
cool, so much better looking, so much more talented than I. I'm seeing
people differently. And I'm faulting myself less. An exchange with an
acquaintance made me ask myself whether my honesty runs people away. I
never thought about it before. I have this one associate "Justin" who
whenever I share a random thought about something that I wouldn't think
is a big deal, I don't hear back from him for days, sometimes a week.
And it makes me laugh, though it used to confuse me. Looking back, I
will never apologize for being so emotionally honest. I'm too lazy to
fake being myself for someone else's comfort. It took me a long time to
accept that.

At my loneliest, I feel guilt. I look around me searching for the
reasons why I am alone. I feel like I've been systematically shutting
down relationships. And now I'm doing the same to the new ones. Why
start something that's going to end up broken, is my current
philosophy? Lately, I've been asking God to remove memories of some
people from my past. I wish there was a way, a reset button, that you
can use to expel any history of someone you don't want to remember.
Because it's the memories of the good times, the memories of the
potential that you once believed in that make you, in your loneliest
hours, exactly did I lose it? Could I have done more?

I need to learn to be 100% okay with the decisions I've made. I can't
continue to drive myself crazy wondering if the traits that I cherish
about myself and are most proud of are the ones that drove away the
people I once loved. Or thought I loved. That's why I'm clinging ever
so close to my immediate family nowadays. They're the only ones that
have been constant. I don't have to worry about them throwing me away
or running away from me, out of fear. The rest of the world is a
different story which leads to my current state: I'm scared to love

"One day an angel
Said quietly
That soon he would bring
Something special
To me,
And of all of the wonderful
Gifts he could bring..."

So, as you can see, I'm making changes to my blog - I've even renamed it. Don't know if I'll keep that name, but tell me what you think about the changes. In a couple of weeks I'll be switching layouts again - moving to a Wordpress format...

"Because he knows he's not even invited to the race, for your heart -
the best friend must always remain...the friend." - Me

Sometimes I feel a little foolish being so open on my blog. I know that
what I write is public. However, I also know that my blog is not
popular in the least. So there is no real worry is there? And if there
was, what exactly would it mean? Not much that I can presume.

Tonight, I'm not exactly feeling lonely. What I am is feeling is
anxious and disinterested at the same time. I've been very reclusive
the past couple months not even making any attempts even on the dating
scene. While the main reason for that is because I haven't been all
that stable in my personal life, the real reason is I'm so over...people.

I recently stopped talking to the woman who I've considered my best friend
for the past three years. I guess she still is but I'm not really ready to resume
whatever it was we had, for a few reasons.

The truth is I've always had female besties, but not by choice. It's more by
circumstance that it always seems to happen that way. And, to be honest, I'm
kind of tired of girls as best friends. It's not exactly an equal relationship and
as much time as you spend or as close as you are, it still feels unbalanced.
Especially when your best friend is a straight woman. I don't know, I sometimes start to
feel like the stereotypical "gay best friend" like a fucking real life episode of 'Will & Grace'.

Sometimes it really bothered me that I couldn't have a just as fulfilling relationship
with another male. I think that's why I've been so quick to latch onto male friends
who were really not good for me in the long run.

The fact of the matter is that most males I've befriended in the past 8
years, I'll say 90%, have not so small sexuality issues within
themselves. Either they're repressing their sexuality, in denial, on
the DL or they are just straight up phonies and will lie to anyone who
calls them on it. I've been able to rid my life of most of these losers
and the others I've been gradually distancing myself from. I really am
in need of some secure male friends in my life. Ones who don't have to
perpetrate and pretend to be something they're not just for appearances
sake. I don't mind if they're straight, but preferably not, because,
let's keep it real, what straight Black men can handle having a close
male friend who's an "other" sexually. I've played that game before.
That shit ain't fun OR healthy at all. I'm not even saying you have to
be gay or bisexual, but it'd be nice to be close to someone who
understands me on 'that' level.

I definitely feel like I missed the boat of finding my crowd while I was in college.
I found a crowd alright, a crowd of insecure image-conscious pseudo-intellectual college
kids. While they weren't all bad, none of them were my speed. I don't
know if they could feel it, but even in a crowd of so many vibrant
personalities were times I felt the most detached.

When I was a freshman in college I had a gay best friend, though I only saw him
whenever I visited my hometown on weekends. And we had lots of fun in
what was still a new scary, but exciting lifestyle to us. And we were
navigating it together. But we drifted apart because, well, he was a
dummy. And he was intent on living a double life while living in his
mother's house. Me, I outgrew that shit quickly. I definitely eclipsed
him in the self-acceptance category. And I had dreams for a life far
away from some small town in Florida.

All my life, I've tended to attract the overly masculine (society's definition) male
friends. And I spend a lot of my time thinking, "why the hell do you keep coming around
me??" I remember when I was in the 5th grade and was going to school in
a gang-ridden neighborhood in Pittsburgh. I mean there would be
shootings just outside my yard on my street at least once every few
weeks. Anyway, I had this dude in my class. He was the class bad-ass.
A thug in training. He barely came to school, but when he did, he spent
all his time around me. His name was Paris. Lol. All the girls
thought he was so cute. And kids in much higher grades than us had his
respect. This little fifth grader. But for some reason, he and I were
tight. Me, the quiet, skinny nerd.

I just don't get the unspoken interest in me sometimes. Especially the ones
who know more than just a little bit about me. Since I'm a writer now, I'm much
more open with my thoughts through various written works, which obviously leads people to
draw certain conclusions about me. While I'm not feminine, I'm not
overwhelmingly masculine either. So, I don't get the interest in me
sometimes. Damn. So, this problem is why I spend most of my time alone
lately. And why I've been forced to revel in my reclusiveness. I mean,
there isn't anyone out there I find stimulating. And I have to say I'm
not that excited about looking either. Not after the experiences I've
had. I just want some fun, sexually SECURE, intelligent male friends to
come into my life. I just think that so much can be gained from healthy
platonic male relationships. No offense to the ladies, but I need a
break from ya'll...maybe I just need to get out more, which seems to be
the damn answer to everything...which usually means what: go clubbing.
Blah. Again, I feel kind of foolish getting so personal sometimes. But
you won't tell...right?

Oh em gee. So I had to come back to my blog and write about the new
Whitney CD real quick. It just leaked on the web earlier today. I love
it and I still plan to buy the CD when it comes out next Tuesday. Hell,
I may even buy two. And I haven't bought a physical CD in years so this
is crucial. So, the best song on the CD: CALL YOU TONIGHT!!!! I love
that song. The mood, Whitney's delivery, the acoustic guitar and the
lazy, country feel to it. I can't stop playing it. If I was already
moved into my new place, I'd be slow dancing around the room by myself.
This song makes me want to fall in love. Which is weird because I've
been feeling so anti-relationship as of late. But I wanna just lay back
with someone special and blast this track. Or go for a romantic drive
at night, with the sunroof up and this song blasting under a moonlit
LEFT, WORTH IT and SALUTE. I'm so happy to hear Whitney's voice, though
weathered, she can still turn in top notch performances. And, in my
opinion, I feel this CD is the one Whitney was able to make the most
personal connection with. I've heard people complain and say her voice
is different, that she's lost it, and I was one of the ones saying it.
But hearing the album in its entirety, I hear notes that still make me
go, WOW. Her voice is STILL stunning. And I'm sooooo feeling her new
material. She's back. And thank God for it.

I've been reading non-stop this weekend. After another very full and draining week of training my employees for an exciting new school year, I decided to have a very low-key weekend. I finished up Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I was introduced to that book when I was doing background work for my current screenplay project and was led to Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" which ultimately led me to Underground. The book provided the "meat" so to speak that I needed lend a sense of authenticity and depth to my screenplay's lead character.

After I finished it, I went the library and found another book, one in which I had read many times before: Don't Block the Blessings by Patti LaBelle. Anyone who knows me understands my love for the legendary group LaBelle fronted by the one and only Patti LaBelle. In recent years, I have been toying with the concept of writing a screenplay about the career of this amazingly underrated supergroup. To me, they epitomize what a female vocal group should stand for: they were politically, socially and sexually conscious and miles away from their contemporaries and even those who dare to call themselves girl groups today. When I was in New York, I managed to acquire the contact information for the group's longstanding manager, Vicki Wickham. I'm currently working on a presentation for them. After putting it off, I decided that I would make a go of writing a screenplay about this important group in rock and roll history.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is Las Vegas. If you don't know, I lived in Vegas for a total of seven years as a kid and teenager. My father and my brother still reside there. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them in almost two years. Now that I live in L.A., I'm only a hop, skip and a jump from them. Since, I can't get to Florida as often as I would like, I decided I should try to mend the long-broken relationships with the "Black sheeps" of my dysfunctional little family. My mother called me a few days ago and shared that she would like me to begin making monthly trips to Vegas, particularly to check in on my father and his health.

Some early readers of my blog may remember that my father experienced a brain aneurysm followed by a couple of subsequent strokes two years ago. I took a month off of work to supervise his extended hospital stay. Well, once my father got "better" he blamed me for what he was told was a "mishandling" of his care and took his anger out on me. Myself and my uncle tried to convince him that it was the other family members, relatives and "friends" who complicated the process, not me. Unable to make him see the efforts and lengths I went through to save his life (even making plans to move him to Florida with me while he went through the rehabilitation process) and ensure his care, I stopped speaking to him. I was tired of the arguing, the lack of trust, the lack of gratitude. I needed peace. He didn't understand that the only thing I was afraid of was losing him to a premature death with our relationship perpetually on the rocks. One thing about my father: he sees things in life or death. Even when he drew up his end of life care, he didn't consider his options if he became terminally ill. This made my job harder when the situation actually occurred.

Anyway, I've decided that I am going to force my way back into my father's, and even my brother's life. I know it means a great deal more struggle, more arguing, more discontent is on the horizon. But, I think I'm learning to keep my eye on the bigger picture. Ironically, as my father gets older, he is getting physically weaker. I'm using this to my advantage. Maybe if he's weaker, he'll be too spent to try to fight with me so much and realize that he wants a great relationship with his sons as we want with him. My father is the kind of guy who's used to fighting hard. It's so easy to let him piss you off which just makes you, forces you, to stop dealing with him altogether. It's almost like he expects you to give up on him. And he's too proud to say he wants otherwise. But, I'm not giving him the easy way out anymore. I'm gonna stay in his face. I'm gonna keep coming around. Even if we have to curse each other up one side of the house and down the other - that's the way it's gonna be. This is one of the times when I am becoming the teacher. He must sit back and learn. Because, after all, I only have one father.

That's a thought I was thinking of today. Today after, receiving
confirmation that all of my paperwork, background checks etc., went
through with my new job (yes, I'm a WORKING man now!!!), I decided to
treat myself to a movie starring my favorite actor Anthony Mackie.

The movie, THE HURT LOCKER, is in limited release and I'd been hoping
for months that I'd have the disposable income to check it out before it
leaves theaters. I finally did and have determined that it is now one
of my favorite films of all time. In addition, it's easily the best war
movie I've ever seen, giving a very intense and raw look at three
soldiers immersed in the Iraqi war experience.

The film had a scene at the end where the main character (Jeremy Renner)
is talking to his 1 year old son and expresses that as a child, you tend
to love everything. But, he says, as life goes on you realize you don't
love things like you used to and then eventually, it seems you only love
one or two things.

It led me to the thought that maybe life has a
tendency to beat the love out of us; I could definitely see this
applying to soldiers in war. Anthony Mackie played the second lead and
delivers a very heartfelt and emotional scene which is easily one of my
new favorite performances in a film. It's such a powerful film all

Anyway, back to me. As I said earlier, after three months of interning
and job hunting I finally got offered a position in L.A. which actually
lands me back in the Education field. It's been a little over a year
since I left my last comfortable position in Education for the
possibilities of New York City and later Los Angeles. My new position
is one I had back in Florida but with a MAJOR pay increase and a few new
welcomed challenges. It's another management position so I have a staff
as well as a program of middle school-aged children to mentor. So, at
this very second, I'm happy with my life and where it's headed.

I'm in
the process of apartment hunting in order to move in closer proximity to
my new job. I'm also lining up my next few film projects which I will
be undertaking. So, as of today, I've managed to lift the stone that
I've been under in an attempt to allow in a little light. Soon, I'll be
completely out from under.

There's so much that I've experienced lately (relationships ending,
career refocusing, personal prioritizing) that I want to blog about, but
I want to give them each a proper presentation. I'm honing back into
myself as my life starts to level out again which means I'll be bringing
it all back to my blog, my home.

Stay on the lookout and thank you for continually being apart of the
journey. Great things are in store...

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that wont happen now
That wont happen now

- from "Top of the World" by Patty Griffin

above is an excerpt from the song i was listening to when i learned of the news, on twitter via rod 2.0, of the death of literary pioneer e. lynn harris. i felt it was a good reason to return to my blog. along with the rest of e. lynn's fanbase, i was extremely shocked. and when i began to look at the reason why it took me back was because i realized that it was e. lynn's literature which encouraged me to confront certain issues within myself and not be afraid to put myself into my literary work. THE THING ABOUT E. LYNN HARRIS' PASSING IS THAT MORE PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ HIS WORK THAN WILL ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGE HIS DEATH FOR FEAR OF BEING GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION (and yes, for a second, i'm talking about the DL, in the closet people...who reap the benefits of someone else's courage but won't admit so for fear of being judged). if you're like me, you were reading his books as a teenager, away from the eyes of your parents, friends, etc. before i was introduced to the world of james baldwin, e. lynn harris, james earl hardy, essex hemphill were my introduction to understanding an untouched facet of myself. my favorite novel by e. lynn would be "just as i am". i even remember sending him an email in college expressing interest in writing a screenplay for one of his books. he responded, too. i think he asked me to send him a treatment or an excerpt. (i can't remember if I followed up or not, lol.) so to mr. e. lynn harris, i wish you a safe transition. job well done.

"I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I dont know why
Dont know why"

so, here's what's going on with me. i've tabled one job offer while i hold out a few more days to see if i get the job i really want, the one with the company i've been interning with since i arrived in l.a. at the beginning of the summer. even with my lack of "agency" experience I was told that I made an impression and was highly recommended by one of the partners, one of my potential bosses. so, we'll see.

i'm still trying to be patient, however. i know this industry isn't supposed to be easy. and many times it's so easy for me to just be like, "to hell with l.a. and its bad job market" and peace out to somewhere a little less competitive. but then i get pulled back. i know this is where i'm supposed to be. this is where i need to stay. as hard as it gets sometimes. a lot of times. but the word for the year is still strength. i gotta remember that.

i've been really disturbed lately from some of the things i've been hearing. the death of that navy sailor, august provost, has disturbed me. i wish there was more publicized about things like this which should get the Black community up in arms instead of some hoodlums (a la the Jena 6). i also read an article yesterday from and the writer was talking about how Blacks basically have a monopoly on civil rights and how much gays dont deserve to compare with what Blacks went through. and i'm thinking in my head, "are all gays white in your head? what about the black gays who were getting lynched and sprayed with hoses and bitten by dogs???" i guess they won't count simply because their sexual orientations weren't publicized. it's when i hear crap like that that reminds me why i chose film as my medium to express myself about such mental fuckery. god, we've got such a long way to go.

but, i digress.

before i forget, i want you guys to please check out my dude Xem VanAdams new documentary Color Lines Across Rainbow Skies. He touches on some important issues that are obviously prevalent. He could use your support as well as the strength of your individual networks.

umm, what else? i'm sorta dating again, though i don't wanna spoil this post by recounting my activities as of late, but i promise it's coming.

anyway, wherever you are reading this, i just wanna encourage to take a page from e. lynn harris: be unabashedly you. it's a process. but we, especially as Balck men, need to begin the steps. we can't spark a change if we're not visible. so i ask you and challenge myself...let's be visible together.

also, i promise to stop writing in such a lackadaisical style of writing complete with bad punctuation and grammar. it's time to stop being so lazy with my blog. ; )

"cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

To the top of the world
To the top of the world" I living or existing? Existing. I've always just existed. I'm
not sure I know what it means to really live. And feel alive. I've
spent the past ten years tricking myself into thinking my career is
going to bring me unprecedented contentment and happiness. I know it

So what will...?

You know what I want??? I want someone to listen to Phyliss Hyman
with. Just lay...and listen to Phyliss. And have that be enough.

Watching the BET Awards made me fear for my life in this White man's world...there's bound to be some type of retribution towards Black people for putting that type of fuckery into the universe, lol!!!! No, seriously, watching it made me break out my old Tevin Campbell music. I used to be and am still a huge fan of this guy. Below is my favorite song by him, Dandelion, known by only a few (because most people didn't but his last CD, lol):

So, I'm back. Blogging's been on my mind for the past few days and now I feel like I've delayed it enough. Tonight I'm up late browsing the net. MJ and Farrah Fawcett both passed away yesterday. I always take notice of how the media works on days of major world events; I don't know why but it fascinates me the way news is disseminated and filtered to the public and the methods. It's a way to really appreciate (or be turned off) by how the media works and its power.

So, my life's been very...I don't know. I'm still interning at my company and still enjoy it very much. I even learned that it was okay for me to submit my own work to the management company to consider and review. It was recommended to me by my supervisor to write what is known in the TV industry as a "spec script". So, I ended up writing a spec on 90210. I feel pretty good about it and turned it in earlier this week. It took me ten days to write. I'm still awaiting feedback on it. I'm nervous. So many things could come from me having a strong spec script that my company believes in. It could be the deciding factor in moving from one aspect of the industry to the talent side of it; which of course is where I really want to be. I also introduced my drama series project and my supervisor has since requested to see the pilot episode script, which is a good sign. So, I'm really just a ball of nervous energy. I've never questioned my talent to this extent before now. And I wonder...and worry: am i good? can I write? do i have the potential to be one of the better writers? what if i wasn't trained well by my major in college? what if i suck?

even though you want to feel that you don't need others to validate you, to a certain extent you do. it's the only way you can move forward in this business - through other people's judgement of your work. that's nervewrecking when your options are slim.

i'm still on the job search. not many doors (well, actually none) are opening up for me on that front. but i'm trying to stay optimistic, cause, let's face it...what's the point in being depressed. i do that well. not fun. but next week's a new week, so hopefully it'll bring some good news.

i have been doing a lot of dating lately. and even been more sexually active than i've been, really in years. without going into details, let's just say i've enjoyed myself. however, i still haven't met anyone promising. so, i've put my L.A. dating life on the backburner while i put my full energy on my fledgling career and obtaining gainful employment.

what else? i did a photo shoot yesterday with a great model. check out a shot above. a model from senegal, africa. overall i'm doing well. my uncle from pennsylvania is coming to visit me in l.a. in a few days if all goes according to plan. i really didn't realize how thirsty i was to see a familial face. i really miss my mom and my little brother. especially so close to Independence day...

hmm...i guess i'm not feeling as introspective or creative tonight, so i apologize if this post is kind of boring. i'm really trying to switch up my photography style and go for a more "film" look. i don't know. anyway, until the muse visits me again...

Today I reached out to a former friend. Strictly for business advice.
This was someone I used to consider and think was gonna be one of my
best friends for life. After our exchange I started to wonder how we
got so far from each other. And later I realized the reason: trust.

Anyway, I started to think of the Black men I have met in my lifetime.
I tried to compile a list of "good dudes", but I kept coming up
empty...for the most part. So when I start to think of a partner for
myself, I run into a brick wall. And I wonder, is it me? Am I too
critical? But then I catch myself. It can't be unbelievable to believe
that there is a Black man out there who is a good dude even outside of
my presence. There's gotta be...right?

I have come to a realization: I don't trust men nowhere near like I do
women. But I don't think that's such an extraordinary revelation. I
would like to know why, though. Me, who's always talking about how
indifferent the genders are when compared to each other. I wonder, how
do I explain myself, now?

Speak on it...

They say beauty buys what a child gets for free. I'm not a child anymore. But when I was, I still had to work for it.

Guess that's what happens when you grow up in a house full of girls. Being pretty got pretty damn old. I had to find something else.

I'll admit it, I don't look as good as I used to. At least that's what James tells me. That's my pimp. "Girl, act like you got some hips! Pull that skirt up and show them thighs! Niggas ain't gonna pay for what they think you ain't got!"

And he's right. I ain't got much. And maybe I'm not cut out for this. But, what else is there, you know?

And I see you: When you hurry your daughters across the street hoping they don't see me twistin' my way into some trick's car. Praying they don't think it's okay. To be like me. Cause nobody ever says they wanna be a hooker when they grow up, huh? Well, guess what? We don't exactly plan it either.

But, hey, I'ma put on a smile, a tight halter, and twist a little bit harder cause, hell, I ain't got much else, you know.

Except for what's left of my heart.

And don't cry for me. I'm better at it than you.

Promotional Monologue from VICTIM, the new film by lamontpierré

I've always been what women want. I'm used to the looks. The stops. The stares. I'm used to the spectacle. Never thought I'd be the sideshow.

And you don't think I notice. When you're throwing rocks in my window. When you pass me on the street, hoping I won't look your way. When you turn down a different aisle in the supermarket, so you don't even have to look at me.

You don't like me. But, you're fascinated. You don't know me. But, you know my type.

And, you know, I wouldn't even be in this situation if these young girls didn't lie so much about their age. Now, I'm branded for life. Like a fucking serial killer or something.

Shit - I'm not a monster.

I just look like one.

Promotional Monologue for VICTIM, the feature film by lamontpierré.

I was interviewed today by a filmmaker friend of mine, Jazmen Brown, for his new podcast series featuring young Black filmmakers. Check me out!

So...I've been thinking about what I wanted to blog about today since last night. And I think Ill just talk and hopefully hit on everything that's going on. For one, I started back working on my script that I began at the top of this year. I didn't mean to take such a long break, but it's cool because I can approach the subject matter with fresh eyes now. So, that's good. My internship is still going great. I get to meet some great personalities. And I am slowly mastering the art of networking by the relationships I'm building. I am on a search for a manager, so if you know anyone, RECOMMEND ME!!! I still hope to have an agent by the end of the year, but a manager is going to come first for me.

I get frustrated at my internship sometimes because though I'm dealing with the part of the business I'm interested in, I'm on the wrong side of it. I'm the talent. Not the other way around. And it gets frustrating because I keep looking for my windows of opportunities to change the dynamics of the game, as it relates to me, but so far nothing. I am starting to attend more events here and network outside of my internship. I'll be submitting a piece of one of my films to this film series presented by other Black filmmakers later this summer. I'm trying to get attached to more events like that and just network overall. So, if any of my readers are in L.A.....hit me up, I need friends, lol!

I'm starting to veer back into the hardcore, hit the pavement, publicize at every opportunity filmmaker that I was when I was in Tallahassee. Only difference is this time I don't have a team. Now it's just me. And through a series or personal situations that ended up affecting the business, it was the best thing for me to leave certain people behind. Doesn't mean I don't get lonely sometimes, though. But anyway, I'm trying to find ways to market my projects again, mainly my series MY BROTHER'S KEEPER (shameless plug:, which I hope you've checked out on YOUTUBE and are a loyal subscriber, lol.

I recently reached out to about ten of my favorite bloggers and video bloggers on YOUTUBE that I personally subscribe to and enjoy. I asked these bloggers to watch my series and do some sort of review, whether it be a blog entry or video response, positive or negative. However, it's been about four days and not one has responded to my request yet (with the exception of Xem Van Adams -, lol. I'm on Twitter and I'm reading about these people who have thousands of subscribers and are leading these crusades for more whereas, my tally moves at a snail's pace. It's definitely enough to make you question your marketing tactics...

But sometimes I think SOME of these Black bloggers only utilize their chosen medium to increase their public visibility and social life. Their lives don't seem to be all that interesting. And I think to myself, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING TOWARDS other than just running your mouth? Being a mouthpiece spouting an opinion is easy. Anyone can wear next to nothing and turn on a camera. It's easy to give a spirited commentary on the latest Chris Brown/Rihanna scandal. But what are you DOING??? Other than just racking up the numbers. And then what??? Of course, NOT ALL Black bloggers are like this, some do a great job raising discussions and truly are going to be the next generation's Michael Eric Dyson, Marc Lamont Hill, Cornel West, Keith Boykin, etc., but the rest just make you go hmmm... We all know that sometimes we look to gay people to be the more entertaining bunch - loud, extremely visible and at times obnoxious. Maybe that's the appeal. I don't know...I think I command a more rational audience. Quiet. Thoughtful. I've never been the life of the party. Don't wanna be either.

Anyway, the only thing I can do is continue to promote myself and my films, hope that people can appreciate the messages. I do have to say it's a little harder as a filmmaker to promote yourself online if your face and personality is not what you're pushing. It seems the people who do blogs with their shirts off or post provocative images of other people (or themselves) get the most attention, which is not a mystery to me because sex sells, which we've known for ages. And while you'll find sex, shirtless men, hot girls in my film projects, you actually have to watch to find it. Those images aren't the face of what I do, so people tend to pass you by. Therefore missing the messages therein.

But, I remain optimistic. Tonight I'm the featured guest on a new Podcast a filmmaker friend of mine has started. I think I'll probably be posting it here, so you'll get to hear me talk finally and find out some things you probably never knew about me (I can't imagine what it would be).

But, no matter what, always count on me being myself. Cause now that I've got me back, I'm not letting go again. I'm a scorpion in flight.

I'm liking my internship but I'm feeling kind of.......blah. My friend
was telling me to show more initiative, to make sure I'm never idle. I
thought of some ways I can step it up...I know I'm doing very well
because the people that I work with tell me so, but I wanna stand I need a job, lol!


I've been meaning to blog for the past few days and I'm finally taking the time today. So, the update on L.A. is...........I love it! At this point anyway. I've been meeting some great people and they've been showing me the ropes, taking me out and whatnot. I went clubbing at Circus the other night and that was a great experience. I went with some new friends and they showed me a great time. The people here are gorgeous, but, interestingly enough, alot of the friends I've been making are Hispanics, which is different for me, but cool nonetheless. When i lived in Vegas I had a lot of Hispanic and Filipino friends. My internship is still going strong, I'm loving it and learning so much. I still am nowhere near where I want to be job-wise, but I'm trying to stay optimistic that something's gonna come up. Until then, I'm taking advantage of my free time and still trying to grind and form new relationships and whatnot.

Um, I've been thinking how nice it is to be around people who don't have so many hangups about their sexuality. Back in Florida and around my prior group of friends, it seems I was always dealing with the elephant in the room 80% of the time with those people. But, it's not that it was Florida and the people in L.A. are so much better, but I think subconsciously back then I was drawn to certain types of people and you get what you pay for. So, I'm noticing that my frame of mind is very different now. I'm at peace usually. Sometimes I do experience a heavy case of anxiety about my job and financial situation, but for the most part I'm cool. Just trying to stay upbeat about everything. I was twittering yesterday about how my old friends are quickly becoming distant memories. And I like that. I'm finally becoming okay with letting go. Big improvement for me.

So, I'm just living my life, I'm cautious but open. Guarded, but willing. Nervous, but ready.

I wrote this recently, it's unfinished, but whatever:

Whenever I decide to miss you
I think about what I gave up to love you
My love was an unexplored weakness
You exercised no caution

Whenever I make up my mind to miss you
I remember the almost impossibility it takes each time to love you
I remember the pieces of you that don't quite fit
Into what I call the new me

Whenever my mouth fixes itself to call you
For a second my heart skips a beat
I think about what we left on our holy ground
I wonder who has taken to washing your feet

Whenever I see your face on the ocean
Your image ingrained in the waves
You watched as I built my sandcastles
You quietly watched without warning
You liked to watch without warning

And I stop myself from remembering memories
Whenever I decide to miss you.

Okay, so I've officially been in L.A. for a week tomorrow. Today was the first day of my internship at a very reputable agency that represents screenwriters, film directors, and authors. The people behind movies like Crash, Indecent Proposal and much more are represented by this agency. I learned so much as an aspiring film director/writer just on my first day. So, it's going great!! But...I need a job, lol! I decided to only do my internship for no more than three months. After that, NO MORE INTERNSHIPS FOR ME! lol. I do have an interview this weekend and I've been sending out my resume everyday like a madman, so hopefully something will come up. In the meantime, I've been setting up some freelance photography work with some local models and some small graphic design jobs to help keep me afloat. I'm crashing with my bestie now, but soon I wanna get back out there in my own place and everything. But, nonetheless, I AM LOVING L.A.!!!!!!!!

P.S. Above and below are shots from the last photo shoot I did in Florida a day before I left for L.A. with this talented model. ; )

Just found out I got the internship interviewed for this morning!! It's
one I really wanted! Yay!!! So now gotta really impress them so they
can hire me, lol!

"Shoot for the stars and I'll settle for a cloud."

Well, I made it to L.A.!!!! It was a very smooth ride cross-country. I ended up staying overnight in New Orleans, San Antonio and Tucson. Now, I'm here. So, now the first step is to.....get a job!!! I did secure an internship last week that I was pretty excited about and starts Monday, but I've been thinking I'm gonna turn it down. I'm interviewing this Friday for another internship which is more up my alley professionally. I think I've decided I'm not gonna try to do two internships and a job. So, it's time to hit the pavement. Key word for today: resilience.

Well. I'm in the hotel right now in New Orleans. I just got into town a little while ago. So far, Trip Los Angeles is going well. I left Florida later than I planned, but for good reason. I spent yesterday and half of today in Tallahassee for a couple of last minute photo shoots. I had so much fun with my friends and got some great shots for the portfolio. I can't believe how much work I've gotten done in the past month.

Anyways, New Orleans. Seems like a cool place so far. I've seen lots of eye candy so far, lol. I'm wishing i had time to get into a little bit of trouble while I'm here (hint, hint) but I think I'll stay on my best behavior. The streets are laid out different than what I'm used to, but this seems like an interesting place to live. Speaking of the streets, they are in really bad condition. I kept wondering if it was because of the water damage from Hurricane Katrina. Anyway, I'm waiting for my food to arrive because I'm soooo hungry even though it's 2am here. In the morning I'm gonna do some exploring of the city and take some pictures before getting back on the road. The next major stop will be Houston. Peace out!

okay. so i've been trippin lately. maybe you could tell. this whole moving thing had me shook. (if you''re confused, read my last few posts, lol). anyway, i was reminded today that i need to regain my confidence and roll with it. i was reminded by my best friend, my mom, my little brother and even some of the people who comment on this blog. i have to remember to be myself, but most importantly have confidence in my values, my goals, my dreams, and my talents. i think somewhere along the way i got comfortable being the nice guy. being the peacemaker. being the go-to guy. i have a lot of hang ups, like everyone else, that i let people impose on me, and somewhere along the way i started to believe what and how people perceived the type of person i was, even when i knew deep down it wasn't me. i can't even say what i was scared of. being alone? i'm alone now. scared of losing friendships? i've lost more friends than ever lately. maybe scared to show people what i thought were my most shameful qualities. but in the end i've just shown people my weaknesses. they found out how to hurt me and, guess what? they did. but i'm stronger now. i'm not completely there yet, but by the time i touch down in los angeles next week, i'll be ready. that's a promise. i'm driving to l.a. and i'm looking forward to the journey. it even looks like i may get this AWESOME internship which is just up my alley, professionally.

i never thought i had swag before. but for once, i think it just might feel nice on me. thanks and blessings to you all! let's do the damn thing!

P.S. how much are ya'll feeling that new Maxwell joint?? YES, my dude is back!!!!!!!

Be confident! If they see you weak, they'll treat you accordingly.

I feel like my generation has low self-esteem. The way we lie,
perpetrate, conceal. Why don't we believe in ourselves? Why can't we
be satisfied with who we are and being okay to allow the public to see
us - and be okay with it. Or is it just me?

so i'm down to just a few days before i embark on my new life in l.a. as a writer/director/producer. i've been spending a lot of time lately just being silent. sometimes fear does that to you. and what am i afraid of? not starting over. i'm a military kid, so that isn't a concern of mine. my fears are over my career plans. mapping out how exactly i'm going to get my foot in the door.

i know what type of work i want to do. but there are a million writer/directors just like me, who all have the best of intentions just like me as to the type of films they would like to make. but do these films get made? no.

so, i'm brainstorming. writers spend a great deal of time writing what they consider to be their masterpieces and many times their scripts are just that, masterpieces. but they are overlooked because studios don't believe they'll make money. especially if the stories involve black characters. hollywood only wants to see certain characters depicted. and it's not as much racism as it is the bottom line. green. moolah. at this point in my career i have about twelve teleplays under my belt and a feature film script under my belt. however, the types of films that i write don't typically get made - especially the one i'm writing now. so, i feel like i need to start working on something that follows a formula. and that's where my fear kicks in. can i write something that isn't necessarily in my "edgy, indie, socially conscious, controversial" style? am i talented enough to write a seemingly surface blockbuster and weave in my real messages underneath? do i have the resolve to play the hollywood game when i'm so bad at being fake and superficial? will i be sent back here to florida with my tail between my legs because i couldn't cut it?

my fear.

I leave for L.A. in exactly seven days. I'm anxious, excited

Okay, so apparently I made a Twitter account a few weeks ago and forgot about it. So, I decided to follow up tonight and start...tweeting. And, honestly, it feels kinda.............silly. I feel silly doing it. So, I don't think I'm gonna last long. I will follow people on Twitter, but to be the one being followed.....I don't find that part interesting at all. I just feel silly committing myself to this. Maybe if I had thousands of fans or friends or something, but, I don't. And I honestly don't want them, lol. Thoughts?

I just finished reading about another 11-year old who committed suicide because of bullying. And I'm puzzled. And I'm low. What could make an 11 year old hang himself. How does an 11 year old even grasp the concept of suicide. What the HELL is going on around here? God...I look at my life and all of the things I gripe about on a daily basis and it just doesn't compare. Cause if an eleven year old can't see the point in living when he's barely lived...damn. Just damn. I wonder what it feels like to be an 11 year old nowadays. You know, I used to think I had it rough...

God, I love this lady. I heard Mary J. Blige is playing her in the biopic. I wonder if she can do her justice..



Man, what a weekend. I just got back home from a weekend in my old college town. It was my last trip there before my move to L.A. in two weeks. And it was interesting to say the least.

The weekend started out with my little brother's dog dying early Friday morning. He had him for 4 years and my brother is 19. It literally choked to death in his arms. We still don't know the cause of it, it happened so suddenly. The dog had been normal to me Thursday afternoon, even barking at the pizza delivery guy like usual, but when my brother came home from work that evening he noticed the dog acting very groggy. Not exhibiting any behavior that seemed cause for extreme concern, but he just seemed down; sad even. I tried to call the all-night vet, but the nearest one was an hour away off of the island. So we decided we would take him in the first thing the next morning. But, he didn't make it that long. My brother kept the dog in his room that night as usual. He noticed at some point blood around the dog's penile region, however. Around 3am, the dog got a slight burst on energy, "smiling" as my brother said, and jumping on his bed. Eventually it laid down. After a while though, he suddenly started to choke. My brother said the dog whined and tried to raise itself up on it's legs, while choking. My brother tried to massage the dog to help it throw up whatever it was trying to rid itself of, but the dog fell over on it's side and shortly after stopped breathing. When I heard my brother's cries, I realized what had happened. It was a very sad night in my house. We eventually took the dog to the all night vet an hour away anyway where I paid for it to be cremated.

The whole situation obviously left me kind of drained. But I was more concerned for my brother. If I was him, I would have been traumatized to watch my dog die in front of me and I can't do anything to save or help it. I felt so bad. My brother cried all night. He just cried all night long.

Later Friday afternoon, I left for my planned trip to Tallahassee. All of my friends knew I was coming and that it would be my last for a long while. The weekend was pretty enjoyable and I enjoyed spending time with the few friends I was able to salvage from the six years I spent in this town. Leaving was unexpectedly bittersweet. There was one disappointment: the one friend who was the closest to me didn't make time in his busy schedule to see me once all weekend. Not even a phone call or text. So, despite an otherwise enjoyable and relaxed weekend, I made the choice to finally leave behind someone who I once believed in and loved as a friend. He was someone who has allowed me to experience the most emotionally, psychologically, and mentally challenging friendships/partnerships I've ever experienced. It's like the Prince song says: "The beautiful ones: they hurt you every time". With everything we have fought over and for, he has decided to leave us on such a note to which I felt that this was the perfect time to leave him and us behind. This was the same person who made me feel guilty for wanting to move to California two years ago. Instead wanting me to stay behind with him because we were "a team". I think this was God's way of telling me that it was finally time I forced an "I" into our supposed "team". I now intend to do just that.

I believe I'm finally ready for the new start that awaits me. And I hope Los Angeles is ready; this time I've got my armour on.

**SIDENOTE: The picture above is one I took that may be included in my new book of photography. What do you think???

Love this song by Mandy Moore, from her Wild Hope album, which showcased her new sound.

Well I must be mistaken you
For somebody else
I hope you burn in hell
Or do I?

okay, i had to come blog about this real quick. is it or is it not refreshing to see some creative black kids on MTV like the ones on the new show Taking the Stage?? I'm liking it. This is my type of show and even though it's still reality TV (which I loathe) it's nice to see something different with some young people of color mixed with my favorite thing in the world: EDUCATION!!!!!!!!!

Hours into days,
Days into weeks,
I will still be thinking of you.

I will childishly depend on these
days and weeks and months to
blanket that sharp sting I feel
when I think of you.

But to no avail, I'm sure.

I got it bad, and that ain't good.
Why is this happening?
Why do I dream of you?

Am I forever doomed
to ache and long for
a girl who's constant
center-of-attention lifestyle
makes me sick?

I've never felt simultaneous attraction
and revulsion before.

It's making me miserable.
I wouldn't choose this
if I had a choice.

This fever that quickens my pulse
will break soon.

This longing I have to
kiss you and breathe you and
taste the dizzying scent of
your skin will fade away.

And eventually another hurricane
will roar up and introduce herself and
spin me around and around
and around.

And hopefully when she and I are
sitting in a restaurant and I
am staring at a glass of champagne
for what seems an eternity,
and she asks what I am thinking
and I say nothing…

…hopefully that won't be a lie
like it usually is.

Hopefully I won't want to say,

"Havilland's eyes I am thinking.
Havilland's lips I am thinking.
Havilland's hands I am thinking.
Havilland's legs I am thinking."

Havilland Savage I am thinking…

…I love you.

— Lee Plenty, Hav Plenty

So, today I gave notice at my job of my last day. I've got a little over five weeks to get myself ready for my move to California. Leaving my job really made reality set it and I immediately made a list of everything I need to do before embarking on my new life in Los Angeles.

To Do List:

- Continue to apartment hunt
- Finish and tighten up photography portfolio
- Get comp card made
- Update directing reel
- Get new pictures made of me including headshots
- Re-launch my official website
- Get new business cards made
- Make plenty of DVD copies of all of my films
- Research production companies for internship opportunities
- Continue building a L.A.-based contact list for networking purposes

Hmmm, I know there's more to add to the list, but I'm even more excited now! Finally, I'll soon be L.A.-bound!

I haven't been blogging regularly, I know, but that's honestly because not much is going on, lol. Other than me just working on my various writing projects which is a constant process. I just wanted to blog really quick about how I'm feeling right now.

I had a few conversations with some old friends earlier, you know, just checking in. And, afterwards, I was just feeling like there hasn't been any growth in their personalities or their lives - at least in respect to me. It's frustrating because I feel like I'm making changes in my life, but the people that I used to care about are still on the same shit. Even the way they communicate with me.

Do your friends ever make you feel claustrophobic? Like, knowing them is stifling you. Even when you try to raise the level or maturity of your relationship with them and the effort seems to feel stagnated. It's frustrating because I hate leaving people behind, especially when I've fought to give people the priority in my life that they've asked for. But, I just feel like I'm on a different wavelength.

I need to remember that sometimes growing means growing apart. God, I'm so ready for L.A.............

I'm smiling
I'm open
Where do you wanna go...?
- from "Awaiting the A Train to Nowehere" by lamontpierre

So, I'm talking to my homegirl tonight and we got into a conversation about the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation, which led to us talking about how parents contribute to their kids esteem and whatnot. This led to me revealing that despite all of my negative feelings about my father, as he has done the most harm to my family physically, mentally and emotionally, he is the one person in my family that I still look forward to his approval and validation. Even at 25 years old. His opinion is of the most importance to me.

I have to say that a vast part of my drive in my professional and artistic endeavors comes from wanting to be able to give my father something to be proud of. When I look at my mother, I feel she is proud of me regardless. And I think back to my relationships and friendships with men. I look at the past few years and I realized that I always work so fucking hard to get the males in my personal life to validate me. And I never realized how these ways paralleled my relationship with my father. My relationships with the men in my life mirror my father. My Dad is very emotionally unavailable and I tend to pick friends whom I feel I have to pull feelings out of. I never realized that I did this so consistently. I am the type of person who is always the one willing to put myself out there, in the hopes that the next person is going to do the same - and when that didn't happen, I felt an extreme amount of rejection. This blog is an example of my tendency for openness. Now that I am more self-aware of this, I need to figure out how to feel that I am enough the way that i am; enough for my friends, my significant others, and most importantly, my father.

My friend says I have to find inner peace because I'm looking in all the wrong places (i.e. friendships and relationships) and still feel empty at the end of the day. And that's my problem.

I believe I got halfway there in recent months where I've drastically reduced my network of friends and associates. I'm no longer apart of the college community where I spent the last almost seven years of my life. I've greatly limited people's access to me. This allowed me to devote more time to myself and reduce the temptation to give myself away to so many different people. I appreciate being by myself more. I've always been the type of person that prefers to be alone than hang out with friends. I'm a loner by nature. And now more than ever I am taking care of myself. I work out six times a week. I watch what I eat. (No more fried foods for me...yesterday I broke out like crazy!) Spending three years around nothing but models and actors can make you feel really self-conscious about your appearance. Lol. And I've been really happy and excited lately in my solitude. Often I feel like the philosopher Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862). Sometimes I think of him and his cabin in the woods. Now, I just have to go the rest of the journey.

A couple friends of mine have taken up various forms of meditation. Even though I've done it most of my life and been told to do it most of my life, praying, no matter how much I do it, never leaves me feeling as fulfilled as it seems to for others. I believe in God and I always had, but I don't buy into the notion of God as He is presented through Christianity. Call me arrogant, but I just think that I am too smart to buy into the many inconsistencies in Christianity. So, now I'm definitely open to new ideas because I want so much to become stronger in my esteem in myself. Even though, I don't really believe that we as human beings change very much through the course of life, we like to say we do and we very well may change some, I believe that in essence we are who we are, and at our core, we really don't change much if at all.

My homegirl told me that when I get to Los Angeles we're gonna go "channeling". I'm going to look into what that's all about. I'm looking forward to it actually.

So here's to a search for inner peace. I'm looking forward to everyone's thoughts and comments!

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

So, I'm moving to L.A. in April. And I'm trying to decide if I should get rid of my car and get a motorcycle. Thoughts??

So, I just left the groundbreaking for a community center that is to begin construction soon in my neighborhood. It isn't actually my neighborhood, but my mother's family who has lived on American Beach on Amelia Island for many generations. This part of my family were descendents of the famous Harrison Plantation slaves.

Anyway, as I was leaving, i was stopped by an elderly woman who had watched the ceremony from her car. She asked me who I was and upon recognizing my family's name, proceeded to tell me alot about myself. She asked me what I had going on and I told her that I was to graduate from college this summer and from there move on to Los Angeles. She told me that she was very proud of me and that she always knew I would make it.

Now, me being ever the skeptic, was very nice and gracious. But, in my head, I was wondering if this lady knew what she was talking about. Then she went on to tell me that she had read about me many times about my movies and such and even remembered attending a local screening I had for my very first project years ago. That surprised me. It also told me this lady may not be totally off her rocker.

Over the years, I have been featured numerous times in the island's newspaper in reference to my film pursuits. This lady then went on to tell me how she knew I was one of those kids who was "often misunderstood" and probably felt that way through college and life, in general. She said that even though people may not be able to "see" me now, in the future they would look for me. She went on to say that sometimes, you have to "let people be wrong". And that people that "have more power have that right" - so I should let them. She said this may mean that you have to put things to the side "because of the inability to break through", but you only do that for a moment - that you will "always return to whatever it is that drives you".

It was sooooo weird hearing this woman speak such truth. I know it sounds corny, but it was like she knew me and had seen a lot of what I had seen. She made me feel okay with my paths. Okay with forever feeling different. She made me see that it isn't always me.

It all reminded me of a quote that I read on Darian's Blog today:

They’ll see how beautiful I am, and be ashamed.

Below, you can learn a little about my family's beach, tucked away on a small island in North Florida.

So I spent this past weekend on set filming a short film by some filmmakers from Jacksonville. It was my first time acting on camera, in a very minor role and I also assisted the crew. It was a pretty cool experience. I enjoyed acting and it was definitely great being back on set, in the film environment and around film types. I actually learned a great deal by not being the one running the production as the director. I was able to see mistakes I'd made on my past projects through from a different perspective - as an actor. The things I critiqued about working with this project, I critiqued in myself and will be more cognizant of on my own productions in the future. One thing I definitely realized is I MISS MAKING MY OWN MOVIES!!! And I can't wait to be back on set filming on one of my projects.

So, on Valentine's day, which I spent alone, of course (lol), I watched one of my favorite films, Love Jones. Suddenly, I got inspired to start work on what is becoming my next feature film script. It's in the vein of Love Jones, meaning it's got that art-house feel to it. I've been fascinated by snow lately and this story takes place in the snow, which I believe can be very romantic weather. I'm approaching my story as though it's a sort of Love Jones 2, though it clearly isn't necessarily going in that direction. But, I figure, what a nice standard to strive for. Lol.

P.S. It's a love story. One of my character's name is Seven and he's a trumpet player. I'm still searching for a title...

This is a song for the genius child.
Sing it softly, for the song is wild.
Sing it softly as ever you can -
Lest the song get out of hand.

Nobody loves a genius child.

Can you love an eagle,
Tame or wild?
Can you love an eagle,
Wild or tame?
Can you love a monster
Of frightening name?

Nobody loves a genius child.

Kill him - and let his soul run wild.

Langston Hughes


I'm not having a very good day. I'm tired as hell from being worked like a freakin slave at work today. In addition, I've been going back and forth between moments of extreme inspiration and creativity to bouts of pessimism and hopelessness.

I have so many things going on right now and all pertain to me trying to get my life back on track. I've been looking back analyzing my mistakes trying to figure out how someone who carefully made decisions because of the confidence I carried in my talents and my abilities has carried me to such lows. A year ago, I was comfortably working for the school district making $30,000+ a year. Not much in the grand scheme but for a college student, I was doing pretty good. I ended up walking away from that position, trying to chase my real "dream". And look at me now. Eating humble pie.

I'm not getting the type of attention from agents that I had hoped for, though it is only month two. I'm trying to stay motivated writing scripts and researching topics for my book, but in some ways I feel that I'm doing a bunch of work, meaning writing, for nothing. What happens if I never get an agent? That's the only I can get work as a writer in the TV/film industry. Hardly anybody looks at anything that lacks reputable representation. And it's so frustrating.

My best friend has been telling me that I need to be in L.A. because I can't build a network from Florida in my industry. And that is the main reason why I'm making the steps to move out West this summer. But, getting my shit together financially and educational-wise is trying. They are everyday challenges that I struggle with a great deal.

I've been feeling very good lately and productive, so tonight is a rare cloudy night.

I'm in need of something, I just don't quite know what it is...

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to all of my readers and especially the followers. I love your comments, messages and support!!! Thank you so much; You follow me, I follow you!!!

Wrote this one sometime last year:

They say I'm a predater. And they might be on to something. Cause I'm that nothing-to-lose type of brother. I aint got nothing and aint nobody ever gonna give me nothin'. So I takes.

And I see you over there wit your girls. In the club tryna be seen, but not be seen. I know the type. You the one hard as a rock. Think no nigga's game can penetrate. You the type, ''I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't need the attention of any man to make me whole.'' Yeah. OK.

But, what you don't understand is that me getting your attention was easy. Gettin' you in my bed? Even easier. You see I played my part well. Managed to play you right out of your...

So now we here and you actin' like you don't wanna. Man, fuck a condom, I don't give a damn if you don't wanna. Am I clean? That's not what you really wanna know. Cause I truth is I coulda had you on the dance floor.

You may say you care, but you and I know what you aint really sayin'; I know that your game aint tight. That you aint wanna be lonely 2nite. I know that you know that I didn't even really have to try.

So 'no' don't mean a thing to me. Cause at this point you aint got no choice. Think I gives a fuck about a disease? That aint gonna change nothin' for me. You know why?

Cause I'm a nothing-to-lose kind of nigga. I aint got nothin and aint nobody ever give me nothin. So I takes it. And you...well, you just gave it away.

- lamontpierre'

Why did I enjoy this year's Grammy program? I actually watched the whole program. That is rare. From Jennifer Hudson's emotional performance, to T.I. and Justin Timberlake to Adele and the woman who sung that song "Stay". I was even glad that Chris Brown and the over-exposed but not very interesting Rihanna had their issues and had to sit out this year's awards. I was exposed to some new music that I will be seeking out for the iPod. How'd you like it?

I don't know what my problem is. I've been writing all weekend, but in the form of poems. I don't know why. Ever since I've settled on the thesis for my first book (I'm writing a book!), I've been writing non-stop - about a range of subjects. I also planning some photography projects. One thing i know has probably been influencing my mood is my decision to skip going back to Tallahassee physically and head directly for Los Angeles. I will finish my degrees at FSU through distance learning by this summer. Since L.A.'s been on my mind more than ever, I've been trying to warm up to the realistic idea of actually living there - at least for a year. I'm also feeling a certain type of way about leaving behind the people I've come to know throughout my college years. It's a necessary matriculation. It's inspiring. It's anticipated....

In my recent days
Art reflects my days with you
Water flows much freely now
And I have flown from you
In remembrance
Of a love coloured in

That I'm wiser
That I'm stronger now some, too
Maturity means no excuses
Veil of ignorance removed
Can't justify to myself
Why I'm still falling into you and I lie fast

Now my memories turn to dreams
New images, a new you
Turning lost prayers into probable hopes
I'd run but I recognize you

Could you be passionate and spontaneous
Could you call me in the middle of the night
Tell me you can't sleep without me
Could you kiss me for no reason
Because you're fixation requires my love
Hold me when we stand next to the water
Afraid I may float

We'll go and I'll have no need to remember
Who you were when you showed up before
While I was still back there
Afraid to dream anew
Caught up in remembering

- lamontpierre'

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait
Undeniably charming
Uncertainty hints in his eyes.
Manipulated into a quiet rapture
He knows you know;
He's not the man behind the lies.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait,
But, he'll play a character for you;
World renowned as a master of disguise,
He's suffering from more than just two.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait,
He fidgets amidst my still gaze.
He obsesses the length of my brush;
Paranoia cripples the stage.

Mr. Ambiguous
Refuses to pose for his portrait
Preferring the swiftness of my lens.
He rejects the colors of my palette
A slow death
His breathing slows deep within.

Mr. Ambiguous
Has refused his portrait,
My array of colors prove insufficient.
He runs at the slightest hint of his fear
I would study after him
But he was never really here

- lamontpierre'

I loved my friend. He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends, Soft as it began ----
I loved my friend.

-- Langston Hughes


You ask God for honest friends and what do you get?

Honest friends.

So, my friend was reading my blog today and gave me some notes, good, unwarranted, notes. So, I have removed a couple of blog entries because my friend felt I was being too hard on a former famous employer of mine and didn't want me to destroy a bridge I may need later. Totally understandable.

The issue brought up two thoughts:

One, how much I don't like my friends reading my blog. Lol.

Two, how I don't know how good I'm going to be at being a player in the game that is the entertainment industry. I hate the game. I hate that one day I'm going to turn into one of those people that I despise just to be able to have a successful forum such as film to express myself. It's all politics. And I'm usually too lazy to hide my feelings about someone or a particular situation that I don't like or feel comfortable in. And I'm stubborn. I don't feel like myself always doing what people are expecting me to do.

So, my question is how can I toe the line without selling myself out? Is it possible? Because if not, I fear what I will become. And maybe I won't be able to come back.

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
I went down to the den
I found your cd's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
And I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

"Your House" By Alanis Morissette

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself...especially when everybody is watching.

This is a quote I came across by Dave Chappelle. I have a huge amount of respect for Dave. I know many people think that he is crazy for walking away from an extremely lucrative career with his TV show on Comedy Central. But, do you know how much courage it takes to be yourself? An extreme amount when you really think about it. Sadly, a huge majority of us choose not to seek out that courage.

Anyway, Dave was on the money when he chose himself, his personal well being and state-of-mind and his artistic integrity over the "machine". He is a rare case and will always be a role model to me for that reason.

Be yourself.

About Me

I'll get back to you.


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