I just finished working out. Today was cardio, so I did some running on the beach. One thing that I never do is work out without my iPod. I usually will make a playlist of songs each time I work out. I'm not like many people in that I need fast upbeat music to have a productive workout; working out is my time to think, to meditate, to wonder. My playlists help bring out those thoughts.

So, obviously today I'm thinking about the new year and what it will bring to my life. I really hate to be one of those people who are all about starting over or renewal just because it's a new year. But, I guess a new year's a good a reason as any. As long as the change is consistent and pure.

2009 will be the year that I finally finish undergrad and enter graduate school. I will be embarking on a number of new creative projects. I am also hoping to make huge professional strides now that I feel that I am ready and have more of a handle on what to expect from the film/television industry as a writer/director/producer/actor. This is also my year to stabalize my educational, financial and professional situations.

As of recently, I have made the permanent decision to remove meat from my diet. This is something I tried while filming my indie TV drama series project, MY BROTHER'S KEEPER, last summer. It was great. Now I know I've got the discipline for it.

I hope I make some great new friends this year. I got a message yesterday from a college friend of mine who is lobbying for me for an associate producer job for a TV show on a major network, so we'll see. I know that later this year I will be making the move to either New York City, Atlanta or Los Angeles, where I will settle for a few years.

This year I'm planning to kick up my interest in photography, embark on some new film projects, travel domestically and abroad and hone in on my interest in acting. I plan to sign with an agent by the summer and continue to write. I want to link up with some film friends of mine and collaborate on projects that we have been discussing for years, but can never find the time to come together to do them. I also plan to continue to make blogging a daily practice as I have fallen in love with this process.

This new year is all about being strong. That's my weakness. I need to work to be strong enough to leave the things and people behind who are detrimental to me. I need to learn to trust myself when I know that I deserve better. And to be okay with my decisions.

I am going to be a better brother, a better son, a better friend, a better boyfriend, a better man. To me. Like someone used to say to me when I was a kid: "Be good, for yourself."

The new year can't come fast enough for me. I am continuing my journey as a scorpion in flight. And this time, there will be no looking back.


I'm a little disturbed right now. I woke up this morning from what wasn't necessarily a bad dream. It wasn't a good one either, though. It was about my childhood. Again.

You see, sometimes I get these dreams about my childhood. One particularly annoying aspect of it was the violence that took place between my parents at the hands of my father. Well, last year my father had a brain aneurysm and I almost lost him. Now, he's "better", in everyone else's eyes but mine. And on top of that, we argued a couple months ago about the direction of my life (mainly over my pacing of my education). I will be graduating from college in '09 when I should have been done in '06 or '07. I haven't spoken to him since. At this point, myself and my two brothers are for the most part estranged from my father. He lives in Las Vegas and has for many years. I, of course, am in Florida. I think it is my mother who only communicates with him now, though they've been divorced for many years.

Well, I remembered when I was in Vegas alone while my father was in the hospital, I learned through my uncle that my father was an avid drug user, with his drug of choice being cocaine. For some reason, I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning with that on my mind. I started wondering if my father's drug use had been a factor in his aneurysm. I'm sure it was. I wish I had known that at the time; I could have been more helpful to the doctors. I also started wondering if my father was using drugs when he and my mother would go at it when I was a kid. So, I asked my Mom this morning. Her answer was easy and without hesitation: "Yes. And it was cocaine that he was using."


This bothers me. Not necessarily that my father is basically a drug abuser. But, that I wasn't told when I became old enough to understand. Being such an introspective person, I am always looking for explanations for things that happen in my life and what were the contributing factors. I, like many people, am on a journey to discover why I am the way I am and my upbringing is a large part of that. But, my parents kept a great deal from us as adults and that makes me angry. Like my mother, for example. She doesn't seem to understand that what we as kids, experienced as children still affects at least me, to this day. I want explanations. I deserve them. I probably wasn't ready for them as a kid, but as a 25 year old man, I need to know now.

I remember being in third grade and my Dad telling me and my brothers not to go to school and talk about what was going on in my household. I remember one incident when my parents left for work one morning (both of my parents were in the Air Force at the time), only for my mother to return back to the house as I was leaving for the bus stop. She was crying. And bleeding. My father had punched her in the nose in the car while driving to the base together. I remember walking to the bus stop and standing amongst the other children boiling on the inside but with no outlet whatsoever. And had to go the whole day like that. Never uttering a word to anyone.

Sometimes I hate my parents and their methods. Though I have a great relationship with my mother today, I hate how irresponsible they were when it came to our mental and emotional health and development. They worried only about fixing themselves (in my mother's case cause I'm sure my father is still secretly abusing drugs) and never seemed to worry if us, the children were REALLY well adjusted.

I wanna know more. I'm going to continue this conversation with my mother tonight. Stay tuned...

This is definitely a random musing type of post. SO, I was flipping through the channel earlier and came across Fat Albert, the film starring Kyla Pratt and Keenan Thompson. First of all, HORRIBLE film. Second of all, I saw my girl, Dania Ramirez in it. Then, later, I was reading one of my favorite blogs and came across another picture of her in Maxim. So, I felt compelled to blog about this beautiful, sexy and extremely talented woman.

I first noticed Dania in Spike Lee's She Hate Me which stars a host of my favorite actors (Kerry Washington, Woody Harrelson, Ellen Barkin, Q-Tip and, of course, Anthony Mackie). Well, in this film, Dania and Kerry play a lesbian couple trying to get pregnant, so they pay Anthony Mackie's character for his sperm, which he only goes through with when he loses his job and his financial situation becomes dire.

Now, the movie is worth the price of the DVD alone just to see the scene of Dania and Kerry have sex on the kitchen countertop. To see two of the most beautiful woman in the world making out like out...........man! And I'm not one of those guys that gets off on lesbian action all the time. But, it seems to me that some of the most beautiful woman in the world are lesbians. I'm very attracted to sexy lesbians. But, they have to be confident and don't take no shit. That's sexy as hell to me. But, for me, it wasn't just that they were beautiful. Both of their characters in the film were women who were what I call, "power women" in power careers. That's what made it so hot, to me.

Anyway, the movie also is a fave of mine because it contains some very touching moments. It's a great study in sexuality, politics and relationships.

And if you don't care about any of those things, buy it just to see Dania. ; )

Now, this post leads me to expand on what I find attractive in women. I seem to like strong and/or powerful women. That's sexy to me. When I was in high school, I was attracted to my drum major in marching band, not necessarily because she was hot, but because of how hot it was when she was yelling at us....lol. I have always been attracted to Hillary Clinton in recent years for that reason. There's something so sexy about a woman who knows her shit.

Currently, this applies to Mrs. Michelle Obama. She is very sexy. You can tell that she isn't a subservient women in the Obama household and that she knows when it's time to show strength and when to allow Barack to take the lead. Same with him. That's what makes him sexy as well; being comfortable enough to let Michelle take the lead at times.

I think that is why I've had so many more female good friends instead of men. I'm attracted to strength in women. But hate weak men around me. A lot of times, I've let weak men into my circle and then been disappointed because, even though they're men, they're not MEN.

It's different with women. When men try to exhibit strength or power it comes off as chauvenistic and/or arrogant, which are turn offs for me. But when women do it, it's sexy. I think that's why I love to see a woman doing a job usually performed by a male. The fact that they can flip it and still get results and respect is sexy to me. That probably explains why my best friend is a female.

My best friend is strong. Stronger than me even. Always has been. And as a man, I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that. There is something so sexy about my homegirl, not even just the fact that she is hot, but she is quick to tell you how it is, if the situation permits it. She's a professional woman, so she has a more classier and refined way of driving her point across and I have to say, I'm drawn to it.

If I ever choose to get married, my girl's gotta have the traits that I admire in strong women. Strong enough to know what she wants and soft enough to know how to get it.

I'm a photographer who is currently preparing to shoot my first set of headshots as a writer/photographer/filmmaker turned actor. Below is a portfolio of my photography work from last year! Thanks to all of my friends and models who allowed me to break in my beloved Nikon D40! Leave your comments!

So, I've spent the majority of my day doing a lot of random research and browsing on the web. I started out reading about the Kennedy family, which piqued my interest in Martha's Vineyard, which led me to remember that a film I love, was based on a segment of that island, The Inkwell. Upon journeying to IMDB to read more trivia about the film, there was a discussion on the message board about the film's director, Matty Rich, who, after The Inkwell in 1994, has mysteriously not returned to filmmaking since, despite a great start in the industry.

It got me to thinking about myself. Even though, I am nowhere on the level of such established filmmakers by any stretch of the imagination, I have spent the last three years of my life living the life of the starving artist/filmmaker.

With my recent interests in teaching and different avenues of writing outside of screenwriting, I was wondering today when, if at all, I would make my foray back into filmmaking.

In Winter 2005, I created an independent TV drama series project that lasted three years. I also produced a couple short films and got halfway through production of what was supposed to be my independent feature length debut. But, I ended up shutting it down. Partly due to exhaustion. Partly due to differences inside of my producing team. But, mostly due to the fact that I was losing my mind.

Today, only a few months removed from the situation, I look at filmmaking and my heart flutters. It's a fear I have of throwing myself out there again. As an independent filmmaker, I had become a hustler. That's what you have to be. Even moreso, when you're making controversial and socially conscious subject matter and your competition is, well, the fluff that television is inundated with today.

I would like nothing more than to spend my life making movies. But, the business of it, is not fun, is emotionally and financially draining and if you're like me and let yourself get too far away from yourself, it's psychologically scarring.

And, it's funny because the issue with me has never been lack of confidence. It's not that I don't think that I can do it AND be successful. I have extreme faith in my idea to dream up concepts and write compelling stories for television and the big screen. I even have the catalog of screenplays and teleplays sitting around to prove it. I mean, I'm the one right now who is hoping to be signed to an agent by summer of '09 at the latest.

But, I still find within myself a slight hesitation. When will I be ready to jump back in? To really helm a film project as a producer and/or writer and/or director.

And I wonder the costs to my well being. And will it be worth it in the end?

You have that person in your life who just loves to give you what I call "emotional fuckwittage"? Well, I have someone like that. My relationship with this person has grown extremely complex, which, to me, is the most dangerous. I characterize it today as a love/hate.

I had grown into the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to love and friendship. My relationship with this person involves both. Now, at one point I fell in love with this person's representative. I say his "representative" because I fell for who I thought this person was. In the middle of one of our famous non-physical confrontations, I revealed my feelings. Ever since, I've been feeling like this person has been using my feelings against me. Something tells me he always had.

Now, my feelings are definitely in check now as I've moved on relationship-wise. I'm not gonna say I don't still feel for this person. I think that some feelings never really completely go away.

Now, he has said that he knew my feelings for him before I revealed them, but he was just waiting on me to say something. I personally feel I was led by him. But, that's another blog post.

Today I'm feeling like why does he choose to keep me inside of his web when he's the one who isn't sure how he feels? Like, why even try. This is someone who says he is straight. But, no matter how many times he says it, I believe otherwise. But, I've always respected the boundaries of our friendship until it got to the point where I was tired of pushing my real feelings aside, to make room for someone else's. I've tried to end the friendship many times because of what I've identified as my weakness for this person. Even though today, he's not anyone I would ever allow myself to fall for. But, it's too late for me to fix that, however. But he never lets me end it. He won't let us end.

And I know that this person is my cross to bear. After all, what I'm feeling is not exclusive only to me. Now, I'm not used to feeling like this, but he is a challenge for me to overcome. But until I do, I ask:

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I cant answer the phone?

Make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool

You make me stay when I should not.
Are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

By the way, you're not that strong. Must be me...


I felt compelled to show my appreciation and admiration of Eartha Kitt who passed away today, Christmas Day,

Like many people from my generation, I was first introduced to Eartha via the early 90s Eddie Murphy blockbuster, Boomerang, where she played Lady Eloise. Who could forget the infamous line where she purrs to Murphy's character, "I don't have any panties on." I also remember the episode of Living Single where she attempted to seduce Kyle Barker and ended up singing the classic, "Someone to Watch Over Me".

Of course, Eartha was an icon by the time I came to appreciate her and her work in entertainment will live on through her amazing work. So, while enjoying the company of good family and friends, take a moment to appreciate the life of an amazing talent and spirit.

Ms. Eartha Kitt.

Came across this trailer features the amazing Forrest Whitaker, Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson. Be on the lookout!

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands.

I love this song. Sometimes you're just in love with someone and no matter what you just resign. They may be right for you. They may be wrong. But...what are you going to do? You're stuck with the feeling. Thanks Corrine.

So, I'm looking into being a Big Brother. I got the idea while in New York and I even started the process until I decided I wasn't ready to relocate there permanently yet.

The pretentious part of me feels like I have something to offer a young man in the form of mentorship. Especially since teaching has been on my mind recently. One of my quiet dreams has been being a college professor. Anyway, we'll see what happens. It I enjoy what the Big Brother program has to offer, it may become a permanent part of my life. We'll see.


I just woke up from a very disturbing dream. I sure I'm like most people in that I don't usually remember my dreams. Well, I dreamt about some female friends of mine. Well, one in particular...

It started with me being called to her room in a hospital. As I approached her room, I saw her walking towards the room. The color balance of the hospital consisted of muted blues and grays. I hear someone say something about jumping out of the window. I spot my friend her walking towards her room. She avoids my eyes.

"I don't want to see you right now." She enters the room. I follow her.

"What the hell is going on?"

The next thing I remember is a panic. At some point, my female friend was apprehended in the back of the hospital trying to eat large white pills. I walk into the hospital waiting room. I recognize the faces of more female friends. Their faces very specific to me. I don't know the reason for this.

As I continue to dream, I realize that the other girls are here for the same reason.

I watch through the window to my friends room. She talks to her mother who sits at the end of the bed.

"I didn't want it."

It dawns on me. So, that's why these girls are jumping out of windows.

I wake up. I send a text message to my friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in two years.

"Are you ok?"


Okay, so why am I just now learning about Leona Lewis and all of her fabulousness (and fineness)?? I've been listening to "Bleeding Love" and all 5,000 of its various remixes and I freakin love Leona now. WTF??? Have I been under a rock for the past year??? Anyway...

I'm coming down from a great weekend. Think I'll keep the details to myself for a little while, though. lol.

So, I'm thinking about going into teaching. Hopefully, if all goes well with me graduating this summer, I'll be in somebody's classroom this fall. My preference cities are NYC, Los Angeles, & Atlanta.

My best friend thinks I'm veering off of my path to be a filmmaker, by taking this detour to be an educator, but I don't think so. I'm sort of at a creative standstill right now and have been that way since leaving my internship in NYC. So, I'm game for something new. I'm in the market for inspiration for a type of screenwriting that is vastly different from the route I had been taking the past few years. So, I'm just trying to accumulate some more life experience that will hopefully lead me in the new direction that I'm so thirsty for.

Either way, it's time for me to finish undergrad and start progressing towards some sort of stable lifestyle, even if it means putting being a starving artist/filmmaker/writer on the backburner. Besides, I'm not totally abandoning my Hollywood pursuits because I've been submitting to agencies seriously for a few weeks now.

So, we'll see....

I'm angry right now. Ok, not really. Maybe a little disgusted.

My mother dragged me to a church kids' Christmas program. I did not want to go, but I went anyway.
Since I'm home until early next year, my mother's been trying to get me
to do some sort of theater production with the local youth at the local
youth center. Anyway, I'm sitting in the program put together by an
acquaintance from my high school days. Firstly, the program starts
almost an hour and a half late. We get through the first half ended by
a beautiful praise dance by five pre-teen girls. Before this portion,
the program has been filled with Christmas speeches delivered by young
toddlers and children peppered with the occasional dance. After the
last one, I turn towards the back of the church to see where this burst
of excitement was coming from. All of a sudden a group of five teenage
boys along with few early twenty-something adult males rush down the
aisle and I hear a voice yelling ''Watch me while I lean!!'' come over
the sound system as the beat drops. The audience is immediately on
their feet. I look up at the front of the church and the boys are on
stage dancing like we're at the BET Awards!!

I was shocked.

Call me bougie or whatever. I looked at my mother and she looked at me and we immediately but silently got up and
walked out.

I was frustrated, but, unfortunately not surprised. Why is it that
Black people always have to turn everything into a freaking party? Even
something like this which is supposed to be sacred. This is a worship,
for God's sake!! What bothered me even more is the statement that was
being made in front of me about Black men and women. The women were
expected to give a sweet, meek, sensitive performance, which they did,
but its ok for the Black men to get onstage acting ignorant and
unrefined. And it seemed NO ONE in the place was bothered by this.
Everyone else was acting like it was a Lil Wayne concert.

Man...this is what's wrong with my people. It's enough to make a passionate person
question what's the point??? Is this where we're going?

To be continued...

I am afraid of you.
You call unto me, but I am afraid.
Though I pray that you remain steadfast, fearing I may have lost you when I wasn't
Wondering what I would be without you. If you left and never returned.

You take me on journeys reaching levels of divine thoughts.
Venturing through your therapy in hopes for the most truthful of discoveries.
I tend to aim for the most honest of presentations.
I excite at your revelations, anxious to lock them into an eternal
Beheld forever as someone's classic.
You appear in waves, my hand hardly maintaining your pace.
Overwhelmingly fascinated, but I tremble inside of your power.
Now I stand on the brink of your return, scared to lose my mind, to make room for yours.
Praying that you'll be gentle this time.
You mock my weakness.
Forcing a strength that never comes.
Don't lose my hand this time, lest I forget my own way back.

But, I digress.
I digress.

The challenge still awaits.
So, I remain.
Naming yourself inspiration
You smile at my fear.


how am i feeling right now???

well, i'm remembering when my favorite word used to be "transition". i loved that word because it meant change. i felt that as long as I embraced that word, I would always be in a state of change. i thought this was good.


i don't want that anymore. i don't want, anymore, to be in limbo. i want to be the man i say i wanna be. i don't want to get comfortable in the journey. i want to be a man of action. i don't wanna talk about what i wanna do, who i wanna be...i'm gonna just be it. i'm gonna just do it.

"always do what you're afraid to do" - ralph waldo emerson

They happen.
And I don't like band-aids.

"Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals, too
It'll all get better in time"

This song is having an effect on me. Don't know whether it's good or
bad at this point. : |

Oh, man...

So, a couple of days ago, I came across a familiar face. And that face belonged to my favorite actor, the talented Anthony Mackie. He was guest-starring on an episode of Law & Order.

I got to thinking about the movies he's starred in, two of them which have become two of my favorite films; She Hate Me and Brother to Brother.

Now, I particularly love Brother to Brother for its direction and subject matter. I first saw the film a few years ago and was blown away by its quiet intensity. It's an art film and Anthony Mackie plays a recently out gay Black man. He develops a friendship with an elder poet which opens his eyes to the world of the Harlem Renaissance while at the same time exposing Mackie's character to poetry. The film also features my girl, Aunjanue Ellis who you should remember for her AMAZING performance as Mary Ann Fisher in the Oscar-winning Ray. In Brother to Brother, she plays the great Zora Neale Hurston.

Needless to say, the film contains some of the most breathtaking poetry including my favorite passage:

"it was almost as tho it had journeyed to meet him
the night was so blue
how does blue feel
or red or gold or any other color
if colors could be heard he could paint most wondrous tunes
the dulcet clear tone of a blue like night
of a red like pomegranate juice
like Edith's lips
of the fairy tones to be heard in a sunset
like rubies shaken in a crystal cup
of the symphony of Fania
and silver
and gold
he had heard the sound of gold
but they weren't the sounds he wanted to catch
they must be liquid
not so staccato but flowing variations of the same caliber
there was no one in the cafe as yet
he sat and waited"

AHHHHH!!!! How fucking beautiful is that???? It's written by the amazing Richard Nugent.

Anyway, check out the film for some moving performances from some underrated talent. It's just a beautiful film.

By the way, Anthony, if you're reading this I have an AMAZING finished feature film script waiting for you! Call me!!!!!


I was reading today that Jesse Jackson, Jr. says he is fighting for his life.

I had to roll my eyes.

Really, Jesse? Really?

I don't know about you, but he seems a little bit overdramatic about this situation. If you don't know what I'm talking about, turn on CNN and read about the current Blagojevich scandal.

Now, Jesse, if you're not guilty, why are you fighting for your life? If you're not guilty, it will pass. I mean, it;s not like his family is a stranger to controversy and scandal.

Now, the reason Jesse, Jr. seems suspect to me is because he was, in my opinion, too vocal about wanting Obama's Senate seat. I don't know, it just felt weird that we're reading in the headlines about how badly he wants the position. So, the fact that he is under scrutiny now, only seems fair. He brought the attention to himself. He could have quietly advocated for the spot, but he was giving media interviews about it, I believe, before Election Day.

So, Jesse, Jr, though I hope you're not involved in this Blagojevich mess, you do need more people before I'll completely buy that you're 100% innocent.

Hmm. I've recently been narrowing my network. I've recently taken myself off of pretty much all of the social networking sites I belonged to. I miss all of the time I used to spend with myself. Being an avid reader and writer makes you somewhat of a hermit. And I'm loving it!

I'm working on my strength. Mainly the strength to stand behind my decisions as it relates to friends, my relationship, things of that nature. Sometimes when you crowd your inner circle, you start feeling less confident in your intuition which is what comes naturally. Looking back, I'm a little embarrassed at my bad judgement in the people I've let myself come to care about. Time after time , I compromised what I was feeling to placate someone else's feelings. When the whole time I was that one that was okay in the first place.

Solitude helps you make sense of yourself. And my wall is becoming strong. I can't let it get torn down again.

So, I'm watching FOX News, accidentally, and I come across a promotional spot advertising what was called a buyout bonanza. Lately, I've been reading various media articles that suggest that this bailout business is going to continue to spread to other industries.

Now, I understand that bailouts are sometimes necessary, maybe even a great concept originally. I understand that without certain industries, our country would come to its knees rather quickly.

But I worry.

The American culture is one of greed and gluttony. We usually do not heed warnings and are reluctant to slow down, despite evident destruction on the horizon. I worry that we're going to take advantage of such bailouts, as we are already seemingly on the point of no return. Especially, when we have not, as a culture, learned to be frugal and financially responsible. What with increasingly numerous examples of what our culture feels about the pursuit of money and fame.

So now I watching Hannity & Colmes talk about homeowners who are missing mortgage payments on purpose to get government help.

To be continued...

I awaited the phone's ring. It always rings.

I am an addict. That is how I choose to characterize myself. Even if I did not completely believe it.

I glance upward towards the sky, inhaling the city air. The night agrees with me. I exhale, surrendering the guilt in an effort not to feel. I always have a problem admitting when I am wrong.

I surrender to the silence and the voices grow louder. I pretend not to listen.

I casually walk the sidewalk barely missing the E train. I attach my headphones to my ear and tilt my head back. The moon says it's after midnight.

The wind carries her last words. I shiver at the sound.

I loved you.

I know better. I keep reminding myself. Pretending that I don't notice the difference in her change in tense. I ponder as the night remains.

The E train stutters to a halt. I board keeping my eyes low. The scrutinizing silence is always too familiar.

I sit in the back. I look to the left at a couple's playful banter. To the right to another locked in an affectionate embrace. I cut my eyes, pull my jacket tighter.

The city passes in a blur. Unmoving. Still. The night remains; hesitating, stubborn. It's teaching a lesson I don't want to learn. It refuses to leave quietly, instead it prefers to burn. As if it knew what tomorrow would bring. Like a child sent to his room to await his punishment, it too, did not want to surrender.

I pictured her face. The look she gave. The questions her eyes asked, but did not give voice. Questions that she deserved an answer to. Questions that she knew the answer to.

Who are you?

She wanted to know. I sometimes wonder how I can tell you if I do not know myself. Or maybe I do. Maybe the difficult part is the acknowledgment. But not to others. I wonder if they can see my colors and it is I who remain blind. Blind to my own lies.

Or is it shame? You know, there's always a shame to resigning. Is what I am what I really am?

i sigh. It's the scarlet to my letter.

Or maybe an inhibition of freedom.

I have needs. She has to understand. Isn't it just apart -- of what it means to be a man?

Yet there is something within me that makes me okay with the hurt I dispense. I'm still thinking of her and her love. For me? Exactly why had it made its descent. Tonight. Again.

In her mind.

My room is dark. It is always dark. I stare at the cat in the window across the street. It is a game we always play. He disappears at first light. I want him to stay and play. I open the window. I am greeted by a quiet street. The solace is too loud.

I take off my clothes. I lay in my bed. The colors in the room are painted a comforting shade of mohogany black. I close my eyes. The silence still hurts.

I won't be tied down.

She'd heard it before. Not exactly what she wanted to hear as I share her pillow once more. Her silence is always the same. I pretend I don't notice as she grabs what can never be hers. Or mine. She kills herself each time. I turn a blind eye.

How could someone let themselves fall for me? I often ask myself. I am not projecting. I am not one of a kind. I am just attentive. I am caring. I listen. I put in the time.

But. I do have a problem admitting when I may be wrong.

It is not me. It is her.

I lay awake.

I never said I loved you.

I mull my last words to her. Sleep decides not to visit me tonight. So, I await the phone's ring.

It always rings.

First of all please go and find the song "Trust" by Keyshia Cole. I believe it's on her new CD and it is playing in my head right now and has been all day. It's a nice song. There's even an alternate version with Monica.

Anyway, it's 3:51am and I've been awakened by a text message. My TV is on playing a Roseanne DVD (which is one of the funniest TV series ever, by the way).

Ummm...what's on my mind...???

Well, i guess the main thing is worry. I've been making some personnel changes in my life and I've been praying for the strength to consistent in what I know I need for my life. And, I've been feeling pretty strong lately.

But, do you have people in your life that you're just weak for? It's a really annoying situation. When you try to do your best to remain steadfast, all of that can go out the window due to, I guess, charm of a certain individual(s).


I definitely think this reveals a weakness in my self-esteem. I also feel it's a trait I inherited from both of my parents, who despite their rocky relationship always found it hard to walk away from each other, even when they both knew better.

Why do we hurt ourselves in this way? Why do we sit around waiting for someone to change when you know good and damn well, they have no desire to?

I try to remember a saying:

It's better to leave than to be left.

And I'm scared of being pulled back into someone. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Pray for me.

I just finished watching the latest episode in the new BET series Brutha. I just have to say how much I like this show. And anyone who knows me, knows how strongly I dislike BET's programming. I really like this show, even more than the Keyshia Cole show, though I love that show as well. But, the family of the Harrell brothers is very compelling to me. I just wonder how many families out there would allow themselves to be so emotionally naked on camera.

I guess I can relate to this family because they are one that have dealt with a great deal of domestic violence within their family unit. Myself and my two brothers grew up in a household of domestic violence between parents. It wasn't even until we all became adults that we learned that our household was even more dysfunctional than we ever could imagine.

When you read my works, especially my screenplays, there are traces of my life experiences. As an honest writer, I definitely had to learn to reach my comfort zone by allowing myself to be scrutinized and analyzed through my work.


I think that's the only way to be. Art is life. Great art is your life.

So, I just sent off my latest batch of query letters in my search for an agent. In case you don't know, I am a writer and film director. In the past few years, my main projects have been independent film projects, so now I have a catalogue of works in the forms of short films, teleplays for a TV series, and feature film screenplays.

I have a system. I have a list of a couple hundred literary and talent agencies that represent writers and film directors. Every few days, I send off about ten or so inquiries. This includes the query letter itself accompanied by a convenient quick-response postcard for the agent to reply back to me with ease.

The search for a reputable agent is a tedious one. It can be stressful for most people, but for some reason I'm feeling no pressure. I think I will find a great agent who "gets" my work and in the meantime, I get to hone my writing by taking on various writing projects; this blog is one of those projects.

Another thing that I do is actively sending out my cinematic film resume, which is a 20 minute reel of my best work on film. I've worked hard the past three years and now I have a reel that I am very proud of. I'm hoping the hard work connects.

I've discovered that one of the great things about having a blog is that I can write about whatever I choose. Today, I wanted to attempt to write an album review for a CD that comes out today.

Having been out of the musical spotlight for a few years, Brandy returns with her latest CD, Human. The CD leaked two weeks ago, so I've had more time than most to digest the material. "Right Here", the lead single prepares you for the type of subject matter Brandy is dealing with this time. I've heard her say in recent interviews, that she feels now that she is an artist with purpose. That's a good thing to hear. The first single is melodic, catchy and inspirational. The second single, "Long Distance" is a classic Brandy power-ballad. The production is dramatic and top-notch and her vocals soar. My favorites include "True" which is a subtle ballad, simple and not as over-produced. "Acapella (Somethings' Missing)" is a very unique track since 90% of it is acapella. This song is my little brother's favorite song on the CD and is his ringtone. So, I'm hearing it about every 30 seconds. Since her Never Say Never album, Brandy has been the best in her field with her vocal arrangements and intricate harmonies. This track showcases just how amazing she is at that as she sings about being "lost in the middle of nowhere". Another favorite is "Human", which, to me, is a direct reference to her car accident last year that resulted in the death of another driver. She sings, "I'm only human...save me from myself". The album picks up tempo-wise around the end, with the standout tracks "1st and Love", about finding love "standing by the street sign" and "Fall".

Overall, this is a great CD, rich in the different aspects of falling in love, staying surrounded by real love, and accepting the flaws that make us all human. As she sings on "Camouflage", "these flaws I've got, they're apart of who I am, take me or not, but I finally understand."

Job well done, Brandy!

Today a friend called me. He was having some problems coping with a relationship that he recently ended. I am always flattered when people take the time to pick up the phone to ask me for advice. I do feel that I give effective advice. But, as I also explained to my friend at the end of our conversation, it's taken me a long time to learn how to take my own advice.

My friend explained that he was a weak-minded person and that fact that he stills lives with his ex, was making it extremely hard with them not being together. I felt like the call was a twist of fate. For one, because this friend randomly crossed my mind this morning during my workout and two, I had only recently came to experience the advice I was not dispensing.

I explained to my friend that the key to personal contentment was believing in your own strength. My own recent personal struggles have reminded me why I like myself. And I have vowed to never let myself get that far away from my core again. But, it took me desiring to be a more content person before it clicked.

My friend said he felt better at the end of the conversation.

I was glad to help.

A few weeks ago, I came across a very compelling video blog entry. It was about knowing your own truth. That concept felt very compelling to me. Anyway, it struck a cord with me. Check it out:

I have been in an unusually good mood for a while now. And I know why....

'Cause I'm reading!

I recently started picking up the books that are scattered about my house and actually started reading, and in some cases, rereading. Anyone who knows me, knows that it's no secret that James Baldwin is one of my favorite authors. If you are not familiar with him, please, stop reading this blog and go find one of his many masterpieces.

Anyway, I was reading "Nobody Knows My Name" by Baldwin, which is a collection of essays written by him. Getting back into books and working on this blog have really helped me put so many things in perspective. Three years ago, I was this person. I was really into myself, creativity and academia. Somewhere along the way I started caring too much about friendships, dating, sex, gossip, etc.

And now I'm back. I have friends, but they're not my life anymore. I guess that's what happens when the friends you have aren't giving you what you need as a person. It's what happens when a needy person, such as myself, is left without his security blanket. You have to maneuver on your own. And pretty soon, even though you still love your friends, you find that you didn't need them as much as you originally thought.

I do need one thing, though:


***I wrote this while in NYC in October 2008

Another lonely night.
Another crowded city.
It's raining tonight.
My vision is even more blurry.

Park Ave.
A station I've never been.
Not ready to go home, I dive right in.

I await the subway car
Aiming to take me to God knows where.
I've been there before
But tonight, I don't seem to care

You see me first.
I'm taken aback.
Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing
My maturity says I should be beyond all that.

your hands in your pocket
but your gaze is clear
while your 'fit is aesthetically pleasing
it's your smile that seals the deal

You sense my need.
My intuition, he's telling me no
But your swagger is pullin me in
I'm smiling, I'm open...

Where do you wanna go....?

No pun intended.

Wanted to clear the air.
Get it all out?
Place all of your blame?
But of course.

You missed someone.
Threw me under the bus.
Everything I told
My feelings with you
I entrusted
Always protecting you
Some say there's truth in lies

Honesty notwithstanding
Scared to be yourself
Had I known...
I think I knew all along

Met many just like you
Stories all the same
Praying for God's change
Failing to see his light
Inside, the first place

I gave you a book
Did you read?
His words like life
Pain not concealed

I take my blame
For thinking that
My friendship had impact
Afraid to be open
What you asked ofme
Maybe, you never intended to be.

Should have said from the start.
Used me up
Now I'm the scape
All the while you fled
California, is it

No shame left behind
Left me to find
The friend you already had
Still reeling
Do you see?
Do you really see?

Taught you what you know.
Confidence in your talent.
Still me not true?
Helping you not a benefit to me
It was to help you see what I saw
In you.

Find what you're looking for
No doubt if ever you
Think of me
But I always remember love.
My family
my friends
My loves
You too good to understand.

I digress.

Not reminiscing
No change of the past
Finding the peace I seek
Knowing sometimes people can be like that.

Such news to me
Calling a lesson learned
They may know you well
J, I know you best.
Trust me.
You'll learn.

I've been there before
Always scared, for always running.
Hoping no one finds out
I pray to God no one finds out.
Hope i don't
When all falls down

It will.
It will.

I'm always here.
When you wanna try
If you wanna get
the story "straight".


Pun intended.

Written August 30, 2008

I had the strangest dream last night. Okay. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all. It was about someone who I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we'll call this person Chameleon. I think I spend the majority of my time being angry or frustrated with him, which I'm trying to stop. But it's difficult to just stop caring about someone who've you've invested so much in. Even when your mind is telling you that you should.

You know when I realistically try to imagine Chameleon and I together...like that, I do find myself becoming really disgusted. Chameleon is very promiscuous. With women. My intuition makes me think that this involves some men as well. But I digress. It is such a turnoff to me to know that your partner or potential partner has given themselves away to so many people. Especially when you know this person doesn't seem to always use protection. I know, gross, right?

Anyway, hopefully, my heart understands that it needs to catch up with the rest of me in purging this person from my psyche. I get the feeling it's getting the message...

I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.

I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.

I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.

I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.

But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.

All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human

You know that excitement that comes when you've clicked with someone new? That tends to be my favorite part of a relationship.

I've met someone. And I'm excited.


But cautious.

Time to put all these lessons I've learned into practice. Because right now I'm a sculptor playing with mounds of clay. I'm praying for a masterpiece.

I just got an internship in New York City. So, I'm getting the hell out of Florida. A place so full of fakeness, losers, and liars. I need a break from these so-called "friends" as they are a constant reminder of my bad judgement.

Looking back, I think that people couldn't handle my honesty. They were just too coward to say that, it wasn't me with the problem. Those people are still cowards today. So they say nothing at all.

But what does it mean when some of these people are still a part of your life.

Maybe they sense my weakness and enjoy preying. Maybe I enjoyed the attention.

Maybe it's been me all along.

Ready for love.

So, this person and I have made up. We talked. They cried. I was honest. And now we're back to working on the friendship. However, my feelings for this person have come back stronger than ever. And though this person has someone that is special to them, I've been trying to just be a good friend. I've been offering up my support. But fuck that! What about my feelings? Why is it that I always have to be supportive and sit back and watch someone else enjoy what's supposed to be mine? I'm tired of doing the moral thing. I want something for me. I've been waiting. I've been praying. And I get nothing. It's not fucking fair. I'm tired of being happy for people and watching them enjoy their happiness...with someone else. And I'm still alone. Being the good friend. The lonely, supportive, faithful friend. And it never is enough. I want something that's mine. And I want someone who wants me just as must as I want them. I feel like my 20s are passing me by and this is the only area I'm missing out on...I'm ready for love.

Lesson Learned...

I just learned a hard, yet what I feel to be, one of my biggest lessons: If you love someone let them go.

I loved someone. In many different ways and on many different levels. But that person, while they love me, don't desire me on a certain romantic level. And I've been trying to be cool with that. And I realized today that this person has those romantic feelings -- for another. And for reasons that I'm not sure I understand, this person feels like their chosen companion is right for them. And I'm thinking they might be right. And I'm cool with that. Unexpectedly cool.

I believe my feeling is rooted in an ideal which I am very happy to realize that I obviously subscribe to: I want for my loved ones what they want for themselves. And their contentment and peace means the world to me. It's like I once heard someone say, "I want you to be happy...even if it's not with me..."

And I hope I've officially opened myself up to receive love, in whatever form, without condition. And that I'll be emotionally ready when the right love comes along.


I am a wanna be.

Allow me to explain. Sometimes you have this view of yourself that you hold in high regard. Some trait that you've always been proud of, something you thought that no matter what, you were an expert. Then something happens. It's similar to a landslide. It's when your world comes crashing down because that view of yourself was so convoluted. It becomes evident that everyone else views you different. So...

You resign to change. But change takes action. But sometimes you don't know where to start, except back at the beginning.

And I'm not who I used to be, or even what I thought I was.

I am now a wannabe.

And I wanna be a better friend.

I just finished watching the Special Features on my 'Girlfriends: Season 2' DVD. As I was listening to Mara Brock Akil discuss what makes her show work with its audience, I realized why there aren't and probably never will be a successful television series about male relationships. The reason is:


Now, this may not come as quite of a surprise, but it is true. The male psyche is too afraid to relate to another male on an emotional level, because society has taught us that doing so makes us "feminine". This is what I hate most about men, who, you will learn, I have a love/hate for. Though I love women, I do so in a way that is not just an appreciation of their physical traits. Women are honest.

When I was in my second or third year of college, I was taking another class by my favorite college professor ever, Ginny Grimsley. I think it was a poetry workshop or a Women in Lit class. Anyway, I remember her making a comment to to me after handing in an assignment. She said that I was feminine. And that that was rare. I remember looking around the class, slightly embarrassed that she would make a comment like that in front of the whole class without explaining her context. Cause while I understood her context completely, my masculinity was too afraid the rest of the class wouldn't. Who knows if they did or not. However, once I came to realize what she meant, as the years rolled on, I got a real understanding of what she meant. The qualities in me aren't necessarily exclusive to women, but it's just that I was honest enough with myself to recognize it and embrace this quality in myself. Ginny had unknowingly (or knowingly) given me an amazing compliment. I wish I could marry Ginny. Because, she got me. And I was loving that someone had finally acknowledged the real me.

But, getting back to my point, that is why I believe there will never be a successful male version of, say "Girlfriends" or "Sex and the City". Men have too much ego, too much pride, too many hang ups to really be free. Men are afraid to be "women"; not women literally, but some of the traits that our society associate with women. And men will never watch a show about men relating to each other in the way that women do with each other.

But, I could always be wrong....

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