okay. so i've been trippin lately. maybe you could tell. this whole moving thing had me shook. (if you''re confused, read my last few posts, lol). anyway, i was reminded today that i need to regain my confidence and roll with it. i was reminded by my best friend, my mom, my little brother and even some of the people who comment on this blog. i have to remember to be myself, but most importantly have confidence in my values, my goals, my dreams, and my talents. i think somewhere along the way i got comfortable being the nice guy. being the peacemaker. being the go-to guy. i have a lot of hang ups, like everyone else, that i let people impose on me, and somewhere along the way i started to believe what and how people perceived the type of person i was, even when i knew deep down it wasn't me. i can't even say what i was scared of. being alone? i'm alone now. scared of losing friendships? i've lost more friends than ever lately. maybe scared to show people what i thought were my most shameful qualities. but in the end i've just shown people my weaknesses. they found out how to hurt me and, guess what? they did. but i'm stronger now. i'm not completely there yet, but by the time i touch down in los angeles next week, i'll be ready. that's a promise. i'm driving to l.a. and i'm looking forward to the journey. it even looks like i may get this AWESOME internship which is just up my alley, professionally.

i never thought i had swag before. but for once, i think it just might feel nice on me. thanks and blessings to you all! let's do the damn thing!

P.S. how much are ya'll feeling that new Maxwell joint?? YES, my dude is back!!!!!!!

Be confident! If they see you weak, they'll treat you accordingly.

I feel like my generation has low self-esteem. The way we lie,
perpetrate, conceal. Why don't we believe in ourselves? Why can't we
be satisfied with who we are and being okay to allow the public to see
us - and be okay with it. Or is it just me?

so i'm down to just a few days before i embark on my new life in l.a. as a writer/director/producer. i've been spending a lot of time lately just being silent. sometimes fear does that to you. and what am i afraid of? not starting over. i'm a military kid, so that isn't a concern of mine. my fears are over my career plans. mapping out how exactly i'm going to get my foot in the door.

i know what type of work i want to do. but there are a million writer/directors just like me, who all have the best of intentions just like me as to the type of films they would like to make. but do these films get made? no.

so, i'm brainstorming. writers spend a great deal of time writing what they consider to be their masterpieces and many times their scripts are just that, masterpieces. but they are overlooked because studios don't believe they'll make money. especially if the stories involve black characters. hollywood only wants to see certain characters depicted. and it's not as much racism as it is the bottom line. green. moolah. at this point in my career i have about twelve teleplays under my belt and a feature film script under my belt. however, the types of films that i write don't typically get made - especially the one i'm writing now. so, i feel like i need to start working on something that follows a formula. and that's where my fear kicks in. can i write something that isn't necessarily in my "edgy, indie, socially conscious, controversial" style? am i talented enough to write a seemingly surface blockbuster and weave in my real messages underneath? do i have the resolve to play the hollywood game when i'm so bad at being fake and superficial? will i be sent back here to florida with my tail between my legs because i couldn't cut it?

my fear.

I leave for L.A. in exactly seven days. I'm anxious, excited

Okay, so apparently I made a Twitter account a few weeks ago and forgot about it. So, I decided to follow up tonight and start...tweeting. And, honestly, it feels kinda.............silly. I feel silly doing it. So, I don't think I'm gonna last long. I will follow people on Twitter, but to be the one being followed.....I don't find that part interesting at all. I just feel silly committing myself to this. Maybe if I had thousands of fans or friends or something, but, I don't. And I honestly don't want them, lol. Thoughts?

I just finished reading about another 11-year old who committed suicide because of bullying. And I'm puzzled. And I'm low. What could make an 11 year old hang himself. How does an 11 year old even grasp the concept of suicide. What the HELL is going on around here? God...I look at my life and all of the things I gripe about on a daily basis and it just doesn't compare. Cause if an eleven year old can't see the point in living when he's barely lived...damn. Just damn. I wonder what it feels like to be an 11 year old nowadays. You know, I used to think I had it rough...

God, I love this lady. I heard Mary J. Blige is playing her in the biopic. I wonder if she can do her justice..



Man, what a weekend. I just got back home from a weekend in my old college town. It was my last trip there before my move to L.A. in two weeks. And it was interesting to say the least.

The weekend started out with my little brother's dog dying early Friday morning. He had him for 4 years and my brother is 19. It literally choked to death in his arms. We still don't know the cause of it, it happened so suddenly. The dog had been normal to me Thursday afternoon, even barking at the pizza delivery guy like usual, but when my brother came home from work that evening he noticed the dog acting very groggy. Not exhibiting any behavior that seemed cause for extreme concern, but he just seemed down; sad even. I tried to call the all-night vet, but the nearest one was an hour away off of the island. So we decided we would take him in the first thing the next morning. But, he didn't make it that long. My brother kept the dog in his room that night as usual. He noticed at some point blood around the dog's penile region, however. Around 3am, the dog got a slight burst on energy, "smiling" as my brother said, and jumping on his bed. Eventually it laid down. After a while though, he suddenly started to choke. My brother said the dog whined and tried to raise itself up on it's legs, while choking. My brother tried to massage the dog to help it throw up whatever it was trying to rid itself of, but the dog fell over on it's side and shortly after stopped breathing. When I heard my brother's cries, I realized what had happened. It was a very sad night in my house. We eventually took the dog to the all night vet an hour away anyway where I paid for it to be cremated.

The whole situation obviously left me kind of drained. But I was more concerned for my brother. If I was him, I would have been traumatized to watch my dog die in front of me and I can't do anything to save or help it. I felt so bad. My brother cried all night. He just cried all night long.

Later Friday afternoon, I left for my planned trip to Tallahassee. All of my friends knew I was coming and that it would be my last for a long while. The weekend was pretty enjoyable and I enjoyed spending time with the few friends I was able to salvage from the six years I spent in this town. Leaving was unexpectedly bittersweet. There was one disappointment: the one friend who was the closest to me didn't make time in his busy schedule to see me once all weekend. Not even a phone call or text. So, despite an otherwise enjoyable and relaxed weekend, I made the choice to finally leave behind someone who I once believed in and loved as a friend. He was someone who has allowed me to experience the most emotionally, psychologically, and mentally challenging friendships/partnerships I've ever experienced. It's like the Prince song says: "The beautiful ones: they hurt you every time". With everything we have fought over and for, he has decided to leave us on such a note to which I felt that this was the perfect time to leave him and us behind. This was the same person who made me feel guilty for wanting to move to California two years ago. Instead wanting me to stay behind with him because we were "a team". I think this was God's way of telling me that it was finally time I forced an "I" into our supposed "team". I now intend to do just that.

I believe I'm finally ready for the new start that awaits me. And I hope Los Angeles is ready; this time I've got my armour on.

**SIDENOTE: The picture above is one I took that may be included in my new book of photography. What do you think???

Love this song by Mandy Moore, from her Wild Hope album, which showcased her new sound.

Well I must be mistaken you
For somebody else
I hope you burn in hell
Or do I?

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