I Don't Walk On Water...

**Disclaimer: This post may not make much sense...

Can you love someone and use them at the same time?
Maybe all love is conditional anyway.
Maybe it's selfish.
And meant to serve ourselves.
After all.

I ask myself
How can my love help you?
Is it only that my love for you
is only meant to help me?
To make me feel better
Quieting my own
Insecurities.
After all.

I just finished watching Capote. I watched it a few years ago with my two best friends at the time. I didn't pay much attention to it then. It's so funny where life takes you. Never then would I have thought I would end up falling in love with one of my best friends after that. This is the friend who I always felt was using me as a professional contact to help them achieve in their career. Now, after watching the movie Capote again, it seems so much can be applied to my life; and to the one who made me watch it in the first place; the best friend.

In the film, Harper Lee asks her best friend Truman Capote if he is in love with the killer he is writing his non-fiction novel, In Cold Blood, about. He asks how he can love someone and use them at the same time. But clearly, by the end of the film you see how he did both. He used the killer as the subject of his classic book and, because of his love for him, made steps to get the killers off. At the same time, I believe that the killer was either in love with Capote as well, or at least pretending to be, in order to get off. But, in the last scene of the film, when all bets were off, when the killers had no other option but resign to the death penalty, the killer left a sign, which was a drawing he made of Capote. So, I think the killer loved Capote as well and was also using him.

Maybe, the one I loved, the one who I felt was using me, loved me as well, if only to use me. Maybe I used them as well.

So....

Can you love someone and use them at the same time...

Apparently so...?

he's shown back up again.
Who is he?
Guess he doesn't matter.
He's everything
I don't need.
Never fails.
Many weeks
No contact.
Always said
he'd need me
long before
i needed him.
Never fails.
emotional fuckwittage
at its finest.
he's a pro.
master
manipulation.
So here we are.
On guard again.
Cause I've learned
Not to trust
What I've always
followed.
So
Heart
keep your distance.
mind and body await
Reluctant to follow.

Inspired by the great Emily Dickinson

Last night I bought this documentary on iTunes called "On the Downlow". It's fairly new and was definitely an interesting watch. It reminded me of a lot of dudes from my college years and in some places, reminded me of myself, years ago. Anyway, an aspect of it got me to thinking. There was this thug dude who had a girlfriend but also slept with "femme queens" and drag queens. He was talking about how he thinks his girlfriend knows about him because in a big argument she called him all kinds of faggots. He then later said how he and his girl got back together and now live together. He have advice to all the people on the DL to tell their female partners, especially when it came to their health. Then he proceeds to say, "My girl will never find out that stuff from me. She would have to find out some other way." Total contradiction, right?

I was talking to my homegirl last night and told her that that's one of the main reasons why I'm reluctant, maybe even a little afraid, to become sexually active again. I have a friend now, and he already knows that we won't be getting busy for a long time. lol. But, I'm feeling like even after trust is established, their is still a risk it'll be broken. Even when monogamy is established there is still a risk. The situation I'm in now is shaping up to be my first "mature relationship". I had previously taken a break from all relationships early in college; a break that turned into almost four years of no dating activity whatsoever.

Damn. I feel so nervous. My last "best friend" really brought a lot of trust issues, I didn't know I had. I don't know when I'll be ready to be totally sexually active. I'm not even sure I'm ready for this new "relationship". But, I'm 25 now. Aren't I too old to be scared???

Let's say you were in love.
Let's also say that the person you were in love with "knew" this
But by no admission of yours.
They just "knew".
But
This person did not feel the same.
So they say.
A classic case of unrequited love.
So they say.
They see you falling
They SEE you falling.
Do they have an obligation
To keep you from falling or
At least
Lessen the impact
Of the fall?
On the other hand
Switch places
What do you do
When you're not the one
falling...?

Speak on it...