So, I kinda......... like someone.

"Home is a place where, if you have to go there, they have to take you
in..." - Bebe Moore Campbell

I believe in God. Even during my phase as an early adult when I thought
the truly smart thing to do was to act as if He didn't exist, I
discovered I couldn't act Him away. Like Celie says in Alice Walker's
The Color Purple, "...trying to do without Him sure is hard..." Many
people who've come across me at some point or another at times in my
life have expressed to me that they didn't think I believed in God.
That my outlook on religion couldn't possibly leave room for
Him. But it isn't true. But I usually leave people to suspect
wrongly. To judge wrongly. In my opinion, it's no one's business.
Now, I'm a big talker. I love to share. But, my spiritual relationship
has always been to personal to wear on my sleeve. I think it's mostly
because I feel most wouldn't understand it. And it's not for anyone to
understand but me. It's something I keep closely guarded. He knows me
better than anyone. And I talk to him daily. Usually in short
thoughts. When I notice a beautiful sunrise. A yellow flower in a
field full of green. A cool, heavenly breeze on a lazy evening. More
often than not, I get offended when I hear people share so much of their
relationship with God with the's as if they're bragging.
Like they need to convince themselves of something. As if they want to
be if they need the support, the job well done. I don't
know about most, but my relationship is too personal to share, which I
very rarely uncover (like right now). I used to think that God wasn't
real because he doesn't speak to me. Not the way I hear he does to
others. Until I learned that he speaks through me. But I wrote this
blog tonight because I wanted to ask a question. I think, if I could
have a conversation with God, and He talk back, I would ask: "Is there
ever a reward for all the pain?"

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