I Don't Walk On Water...

You have that person in your life who just loves to give you what I call "emotional fuckwittage"? Well, I have someone like that. My relationship with this person has grown extremely complex, which, to me, is the most dangerous. I characterize it today as a love/hate.

I had grown into the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to love and friendship. My relationship with this person involves both. Now, at one point I fell in love with this person's representative. I say his "representative" because I fell for who I thought this person was. In the middle of one of our famous non-physical confrontations, I revealed my feelings. Ever since, I've been feeling like this person has been using my feelings against me. Something tells me he always had.

Now, my feelings are definitely in check now as I've moved on relationship-wise. I'm not gonna say I don't still feel for this person. I think that some feelings never really completely go away.

Now, he has said that he knew my feelings for him before I revealed them, but he was just waiting on me to say something. I personally feel I was led by him. But, that's another blog post.

Today I'm feeling like why does he choose to keep me inside of his web when he's the one who isn't sure how he feels? Like, why even try. This is someone who says he is straight. But, no matter how many times he says it, I believe otherwise. But, I've always respected the boundaries of our friendship until it got to the point where I was tired of pushing my real feelings aside, to make room for someone else's. I've tried to end the friendship many times because of what I've identified as my weakness for this person. Even though today, he's not anyone I would ever allow myself to fall for. But, it's too late for me to fix that, however. But he never lets me end it. He won't let us end.

And I know that this person is my cross to bear. After all, what I'm feeling is not exclusive only to me. Now, I'm not used to feeling like this, but he is a challenge for me to overcome. But until I do, I ask:

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I cant answer the phone?

Make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool

You make me stay when I should not.
Are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

By the way, you're not that strong. Must be me...

I awaited the phone's ring. It always rings.

I am an addict. That is how I choose to characterize myself. Even if I did not completely believe it.

I glance upward towards the sky, inhaling the city air. The night agrees with me. I exhale, surrendering the guilt in an effort not to feel. I always have a problem admitting when I am wrong.

I surrender to the silence and the voices grow louder. I pretend not to listen.

I casually walk the sidewalk barely missing the E train. I attach my headphones to my ear and tilt my head back. The moon says it's after midnight.

The wind carries her last words. I shiver at the sound.

I loved you.

I know better. I keep reminding myself. Pretending that I don't notice the difference in her change in tense. I ponder as the night remains.

The E train stutters to a halt. I board keeping my eyes low. The scrutinizing silence is always too familiar.

I sit in the back. I look to the left at a couple's playful banter. To the right to another locked in an affectionate embrace. I cut my eyes, pull my jacket tighter.

The city passes in a blur. Unmoving. Still. The night remains; hesitating, stubborn. It's teaching a lesson I don't want to learn. It refuses to leave quietly, instead it prefers to burn. As if it knew what tomorrow would bring. Like a child sent to his room to await his punishment, it too, did not want to surrender.

I pictured her face. The look she gave. The questions her eyes asked, but did not give voice. Questions that she deserved an answer to. Questions that she knew the answer to.

Who are you?

She wanted to know. I sometimes wonder how I can tell you if I do not know myself. Or maybe I do. Maybe the difficult part is the acknowledgment. But not to others. I wonder if they can see my colors and it is I who remain blind. Blind to my own lies.

Or is it shame? You know, there's always a shame to resigning. Is what I am what I really am?

i sigh. It's the scarlet to my letter.

Or maybe an inhibition of freedom.

I have needs. She has to understand. Isn't it just apart -- of what it means to be a man?

Yet there is something within me that makes me okay with the hurt I dispense. I'm still thinking of her and her love. For me? Exactly why had it made its descent. Tonight. Again.

In her mind.

My room is dark. It is always dark. I stare at the cat in the window across the street. It is a game we always play. He disappears at first light. I want him to stay and play. I open the window. I am greeted by a quiet street. The solace is too loud.

I take off my clothes. I lay in my bed. The colors in the room are painted a comforting shade of mohogany black. I close my eyes. The silence still hurts.

I won't be tied down.

She'd heard it before. Not exactly what she wanted to hear as I share her pillow once more. Her silence is always the same. I pretend I don't notice as she grabs what can never be hers. Or mine. She kills herself each time. I turn a blind eye.

How could someone let themselves fall for me? I often ask myself. I am not projecting. I am not one of a kind. I am just attentive. I am caring. I listen. I put in the time.

But. I do have a problem admitting when I may be wrong.

It is not me. It is her.

I lay awake.

I never said I loved you.

I mull my last words to her. Sleep decides not to visit me tonight. So, I await the phone's ring.

It always rings.

Today a friend called me. He was having some problems coping with a relationship that he recently ended. I am always flattered when people take the time to pick up the phone to ask me for advice. I do feel that I give effective advice. But, as I also explained to my friend at the end of our conversation, it's taken me a long time to learn how to take my own advice.

My friend explained that he was a weak-minded person and that fact that he stills lives with his ex, was making it extremely hard with them not being together. I felt like the call was a twist of fate. For one, because this friend randomly crossed my mind this morning during my workout and two, I had only recently came to experience the advice I was not dispensing.

I explained to my friend that the key to personal contentment was believing in your own strength. My own recent personal struggles have reminded me why I like myself. And I have vowed to never let myself get that far away from my core again. But, it took me desiring to be a more content person before it clicked.

My friend said he felt better at the end of the conversation.

I was glad to help.

A few weeks ago, I came across a very compelling video blog entry. It was about knowing your own truth. That concept felt very compelling to me. Anyway, it struck a cord with me. Check it out:

I had the strangest dream last night. Okay. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all. It was about someone who I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we'll call this person Chameleon. I think I spend the majority of my time being angry or frustrated with him, which I'm trying to stop. But it's difficult to just stop caring about someone who've you've invested so much in. Even when your mind is telling you that you should.

You know when I realistically try to imagine Chameleon and I together...like that, I do find myself becoming really disgusted. Chameleon is very promiscuous. With women. My intuition makes me think that this involves some men as well. But I digress. It is such a turnoff to me to know that your partner or potential partner has given themselves away to so many people. Especially when you know this person doesn't seem to always use protection. I know, gross, right?

Anyway, hopefully, my heart understands that it needs to catch up with the rest of me in purging this person from my psyche. I get the feeling it's getting the message...

I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.

I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.

I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.

I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.

But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.

All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human

You know that excitement that comes when you've clicked with someone new? That tends to be my favorite part of a relationship.

I've met someone. And I'm excited.

Anxious.

But cautious.

Time to put all these lessons I've learned into practice. Because right now I'm a sculptor playing with mounds of clay. I'm praying for a masterpiece.