Sometimes I feel a little foolish being so open on my blog. I know that
what I write is public. However, I also know that my blog is not
popular in the least. So there is no real worry is there? And if there
was, what exactly would it mean? Not much that I can presume.

Tonight, I'm not exactly feeling lonely. What I am is feeling is
anxious and disinterested at the same time. I've been very reclusive
the past couple months not even making any attempts even on the dating
scene. While the main reason for that is because I haven't been all
that stable in my personal life, the real reason is I'm so over...people.

I recently stopped talking to the woman who I've considered my best friend
for the past three years. I guess she still is but I'm not really ready to resume
whatever it was we had, for a few reasons.

The truth is I've always had female besties, but not by choice. It's more by
circumstance that it always seems to happen that way. And, to be honest, I'm
kind of tired of girls as best friends. It's not exactly an equal relationship and
as much time as you spend or as close as you are, it still feels unbalanced.
Especially when your best friend is a straight woman. I don't know, I sometimes start to
feel like the stereotypical "gay best friend" like a fucking real life episode of 'Will & Grace'.

Sometimes it really bothered me that I couldn't have a just as fulfilling relationship
with another male. I think that's why I've been so quick to latch onto male friends
who were really not good for me in the long run.

The fact of the matter is that most males I've befriended in the past 8
years, I'll say 90%, have not so small sexuality issues within
themselves. Either they're repressing their sexuality, in denial, on
the DL or they are just straight up phonies and will lie to anyone who
calls them on it. I've been able to rid my life of most of these losers
and the others I've been gradually distancing myself from. I really am
in need of some secure male friends in my life. Ones who don't have to
perpetrate and pretend to be something they're not just for appearances
sake. I don't mind if they're straight, but preferably not, because,
let's keep it real, what straight Black men can handle having a close
male friend who's an "other" sexually. I've played that game before.
That shit ain't fun OR healthy at all. I'm not even saying you have to
be gay or bisexual, but it'd be nice to be close to someone who
understands me on 'that' level.

I definitely feel like I missed the boat of finding my crowd while I was in college.
I found a crowd alright, a crowd of insecure image-conscious pseudo-intellectual college
kids. While they weren't all bad, none of them were my speed. I don't
know if they could feel it, but even in a crowd of so many vibrant
personalities were times I felt the most detached.

When I was a freshman in college I had a gay best friend, though I only saw him
whenever I visited my hometown on weekends. And we had lots of fun in
what was still a new scary, but exciting lifestyle to us. And we were
navigating it together. But we drifted apart because, well, he was a
dummy. And he was intent on living a double life while living in his
mother's house. Me, I outgrew that shit quickly. I definitely eclipsed
him in the self-acceptance category. And I had dreams for a life far
away from some small town in Florida.

All my life, I've tended to attract the overly masculine (society's definition) male
friends. And I spend a lot of my time thinking, "why the hell do you keep coming around
me??" I remember when I was in the 5th grade and was going to school in
a gang-ridden neighborhood in Pittsburgh. I mean there would be
shootings just outside my yard on my street at least once every few
weeks. Anyway, I had this dude in my class. He was the class bad-ass.
A thug in training. He barely came to school, but when he did, he spent
all his time around me. His name was Paris. Lol. All the girls
thought he was so cute. And kids in much higher grades than us had his
respect. This little fifth grader. But for some reason, he and I were
tight. Me, the quiet, skinny nerd.

I just don't get the unspoken interest in me sometimes. Especially the ones
who know more than just a little bit about me. Since I'm a writer now, I'm much
more open with my thoughts through various written works, which obviously leads people to
draw certain conclusions about me. While I'm not feminine, I'm not
overwhelmingly masculine either. So, I don't get the interest in me
sometimes. Damn. So, this problem is why I spend most of my time alone
lately. And why I've been forced to revel in my reclusiveness. I mean,
there isn't anyone out there I find stimulating. And I have to say I'm
not that excited about looking either. Not after the experiences I've
had. I just want some fun, sexually SECURE, intelligent male friends to
come into my life. I just think that so much can be gained from healthy
platonic male relationships. No offense to the ladies, but I need a
break from ya'll...maybe I just need to get out more, which seems to be
the damn answer to everything...which usually means what: go clubbing.
Blah. Again, I feel kind of foolish getting so personal sometimes. But
you won't tell...right?



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