You have that person in your life who just loves to give you what I call "emotional fuckwittage"? Well, I have someone like that. My relationship with this person has grown extremely complex, which, to me, is the most dangerous. I characterize it today as a love/hate.

I had grown into the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to love and friendship. My relationship with this person involves both. Now, at one point I fell in love with this person's representative. I say his "representative" because I fell for who I thought this person was. In the middle of one of our famous non-physical confrontations, I revealed my feelings. Ever since, I've been feeling like this person has been using my feelings against me. Something tells me he always had.

Now, my feelings are definitely in check now as I've moved on relationship-wise. I'm not gonna say I don't still feel for this person. I think that some feelings never really completely go away.

Now, he has said that he knew my feelings for him before I revealed them, but he was just waiting on me to say something. I personally feel I was led by him. But, that's another blog post.

Today I'm feeling like why does he choose to keep me inside of his web when he's the one who isn't sure how he feels? Like, why even try. This is someone who says he is straight. But, no matter how many times he says it, I believe otherwise. But, I've always respected the boundaries of our friendship until it got to the point where I was tired of pushing my real feelings aside, to make room for someone else's. I've tried to end the friendship many times because of what I've identified as my weakness for this person. Even though today, he's not anyone I would ever allow myself to fall for. But, it's too late for me to fix that, however. But he never lets me end it. He won't let us end.

And I know that this person is my cross to bear. After all, what I'm feeling is not exclusive only to me. Now, I'm not used to feeling like this, but he is a challenge for me to overcome. But until I do, I ask:

Why do you come here when you know I got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I cant answer the phone?

Make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool

You make me stay when I should not.
Are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

By the way, you're not that strong. Must be me...


great post...stay strong

After reading this, I see why you had an affinity for my post, "Silent All These Years". I especially like the part where you commented that you could no longer push your feelings aside. I think we all do that to some extent.... set aside our real voices, our real emotions, our real desires. Question. What do we become when we do that? Furthermore, when release our inner selves and become transparent...and we're tampered with...what's next? Do we run back to our cages or face the Brave New World? Lastly, your post highlighted the confused identity (as it relates to your "straight friend")...what a constant battle.

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