I Don't Walk On Water...

***I wrote this while in NYC in October 2008

Another lonely night.
Another crowded city.
It's raining tonight.
My vision is even more blurry.

Park Ave.
A station I've never been.
Not ready to go home, I dive right in.

I await the subway car
Aiming to take me to God knows where.
I've been there before
But tonight, I don't seem to care

You see me first.
I'm taken aback.
Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing
My maturity says I should be beyond all that.

your hands in your pocket
but your gaze is clear
while your 'fit is aesthetically pleasing
it's your smile that seals the deal

You sense my need.
My intuition, he's telling me no
But your swagger is pullin me in
I'm smiling, I'm open...

Where do you wanna go....?

No pun intended.

Wanted to clear the air.
Get it all out?
Place all of your blame?
But of course.

You missed someone.
You.
Threw me under the bus.
Everything I told
My feelings with you
I entrusted
Always protecting you
Some say there's truth in lies

Honesty notwithstanding
Scared to be yourself
Had I known...
Hmm.
I think I knew all along

Met many just like you
Stories all the same
Praying for God's change
Failing to see his light
Inside, the first place

I gave you a book
Did you read?
His words like life
Pain not concealed

I take my blame
For thinking that
My friendship had impact
Afraid to be open
What you asked ofme
Maybe, you never intended to be.

Should have said from the start.
Used me up
Now I'm the scape
All the while you fled
California, is it

No shame left behind
Left me to find
The friend you already had
Still reeling
Do you see?
Do you really see?

Taught you what you know.
Confidence in your talent.
Still me not true?
Helping you not a benefit to me
It was to help you see what I saw
In you.

Find what you're looking for
No doubt if ever you
Think of me
But I always remember love.
My family
my friends
My loves
You too good to understand.

I digress.

Not reminiscing
No change of the past
Finding the peace I seek
Knowing sometimes people can be like that.

Such news to me
Calling a lesson learned
They may know you well
J, I know you best.
Trust me.
You'll learn.

I've been there before
Always scared, for always running.
Hoping no one finds out
I pray to God no one finds out.
Hope i don't
When all falls down

It will.
It will.

I'm always here.
When you wanna try
If you wanna get
the story "straight".

No?

Pun intended.

Written August 30, 2008

I had the strangest dream last night. Okay. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all. It was about someone who I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we'll call this person Chameleon. I think I spend the majority of my time being angry or frustrated with him, which I'm trying to stop. But it's difficult to just stop caring about someone who've you've invested so much in. Even when your mind is telling you that you should.

You know when I realistically try to imagine Chameleon and I together...like that, I do find myself becoming really disgusted. Chameleon is very promiscuous. With women. My intuition makes me think that this involves some men as well. But I digress. It is such a turnoff to me to know that your partner or potential partner has given themselves away to so many people. Especially when you know this person doesn't seem to always use protection. I know, gross, right?

Anyway, hopefully, my heart understands that it needs to catch up with the rest of me in purging this person from my psyche. I get the feeling it's getting the message...

I'm back from New York City, thank God. I loved that city, but the experience was the worst stress I've ever put on my mind and body. I worker for a Academy Award nominated film producer and director. He probably doesn't know it, but he turned me off of the entertainment industry in a major way. I still wanna make movies, but not at the expense of my soul. And I definitely do not have plans to spend my life kissing major ass and working towards someone else's dreams and goals. I'm the top dog. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in Florida headed back to Florida State to finish my degrees in English and Political Science. 2009 is definitely my year to complete undergrad, by any means necessary. I miss academia. And I'm in dire need of a creative resurgence. My inspiration for screenwriting is at an all-time low - and I'm very worried about that. So, back to school, I go.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I had a great time with my family and extended family. I didn't get to get all of my friends on the phone, but I reached out to them all in some form.

I went to bed early last night. Bout 9pm. That's very rare for me. But it explains why I woke up at 5am this morning.

I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. One of my best friends is on my mind as he usually is. We haven't been communicating very well lately. I miss him.

I usually spend a great deal of my time angry at him. He probably doesn't realize this, however. I had to ask myself recently why that is. Actually, someone else asked for me. My new "friend" T. asked me if I still wanted to be with my friend after I told him I had feelings for my best friend. I told him I didn't, and I think that's the truth. Knowing what I know about my friend. About how he feels about his sexuality and how he behaves in relationships, I don't want to be with this person. But, I couldn't explain to T why I still have feelings for my friend, who, by the way, I've never tried to come on to even though I've had two years' worth of opportunities. I always wanted the friendship more.

But, I think I stay so angry at my friend because I feel like he's usually not the friend I want him to be to me. Even though sometimes he surprises me. And also that I feel that he sometimes won't let me be the friend I want to be to him.

All I want is for someone to come into my life that is an extension of me. That's all I've ever wanted. I have friends who fill that void as friends, but I don't have that in a partner. Someone who I can allow myself to fall for. Safely.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Currently listening to: "True"
Artist: Brandy
Album: Human

You know that excitement that comes when you've clicked with someone new? That tends to be my favorite part of a relationship.

I've met someone. And I'm excited.

Anxious.

But cautious.

Time to put all these lessons I've learned into practice. Because right now I'm a sculptor playing with mounds of clay. I'm praying for a masterpiece.

I just got an internship in New York City. So, I'm getting the hell out of Florida. A place so full of fakeness, losers, and liars. I need a break from these so-called "friends" as they are a constant reminder of my bad judgement.

Looking back, I think that people couldn't handle my honesty. They were just too coward to say that, it wasn't me with the problem. Those people are still cowards today. So they say nothing at all.

But what does it mean when some of these people are still a part of your life.

Maybe they sense my weakness and enjoy preying. Maybe I enjoyed the attention.

Maybe it's been me all along.