You ever find yourself dating someone and at some point you realize
you're not into the person. Not even that the person's a loser or
anything, but you kind of know in your heart you're not into the person,
they're not good for you or whatever. Then you find out or you infer
that that other person is not into you either. You ever find yourself
going, ''Well, what's wrong with me???''
I did that today. Lmao.
Last night I bought this documentary on iTunes called "On the Downlow". It's fairly new and was definitely an interesting watch. It reminded me of a lot of dudes from my college years and in some places, reminded me of myself, years ago. Anyway, an aspect of it got me to thinking. There was this thug dude who had a girlfriend but also slept with "femme queens" and drag queens. He was talking about how he thinks his girlfriend knows about him because in a big argument she called him all kinds of faggots. He then later said how he and his girl got back together and now live together. He have advice to all the people on the DL to tell their female partners, especially when it came to their health. Then he proceeds to say, "My girl will never find out that stuff from me. She would have to find out some other way." Total contradiction, right?
I was talking to my homegirl last night and told her that that's one of the main reasons why I'm reluctant, maybe even a little afraid, to become sexually active again. I have a friend now, and he already knows that we won't be getting busy for a long time. lol. But, I'm feeling like even after trust is established, their is still a risk it'll be broken. Even when monogamy is established there is still a risk. The situation I'm in now is shaping up to be my first "mature relationship". I had previously taken a break from all relationships early in college; a break that turned into almost four years of no dating activity whatsoever.
Damn. I feel so nervous. My last "best friend" really brought a lot of trust issues, I didn't know I had. I don't know when I'll be ready to be totally sexually active. I'm not even sure I'm ready for this new "relationship". But, I'm 25 now. Aren't I too old to be scared???
I figured out why musicians like Lauryn Hill and Amy Winehouse live the art they present to the masses. All while we look at them and label them as crazy. Yet, these are the biopics we'll go crazy over years from now. I guess my point is that these are examples of artists who really lived. They are, unconsciously, working towards a great biopic about their lives which may not even happen until after they are gone. The more "crazy" their life, the better their picture.
I hear Mary J. is going to be playing Nina Simone. I think that's a great choice.
I want a really good biopic.
I need to go out and start some mess. Or get to livin'. Cause my story is gonna need to win somebody an Academy Award.
What will your story be about?
Sighs.
Okay. I'm tired of negroes nowadays. I was just reading about how Kanye is gonna be posing nude sometime soon (see Perez Hilton), D-list R&B producer Polow Da Don is comparing him and Ciara to Aaliyah and Timbaland (see MTV News) and Ne-yo crying once again that he isn't gay -- via Myspace (see ybf.com).
As a sidenote: Ne-yo, I saw those pics with you in the tight black tank top and jeans with a lip ring, arched eyebrows and glossy lips. So, to you, I say: BOY STOP!
Is humility no longer in the dictionary or something. It's amazing to me all these "artists" and I use that word loosely think we care that much about them based on the ridiculous fuckery that comes out of their mouths. Kanye, I will say is on his way to becoming a musical legend, but he could stand some humility as well. I don't get it. I know that artists have a tendency to be crazy, but come on! These people today be feeling themselves way too damn much. The shit is sickening.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program.
Let's say you were in love.
Let's also say that the person you were in love with "knew" this
But by no admission of yours.
They just "knew".
But
This person did not feel the same.
So they say.
A classic case of unrequited love.
So they say.
They see you falling
They SEE you falling.
Do they have an obligation
To keep you from falling or
At least
Lessen the impact
Of the fall?
On the other hand
Switch places
What do you do
When you're not the one
falling...?
Speak on it...
I love this show. It originally aired on HBO but was cancelled after one season. I have to buy the DVD, though. Lisa Kudrow was hilarious in it. I'm not fan of Friends, but Lisa Kudrow is hella funny and is one of my favorites along with Debra Messing, Megan Mullaly and Kathy Griffin. Watch this clip from Youtube:
LMAO at:
"I turned down the lead in a TV movie about a woman who gets raped by the whole town. But it deals with abortion and...I don't want to go anywhere near that! Plus, it's shot in Nova Scotia, you know. Get raped all day and then nowhere nice to have dinner..."
I've been a little frustrated because I haven't been able to think of anything to blog about. Nothing too significant has taken place yet in the new year that I deemed worthy to talk about. I guess I've got my eye out for what will be my first disaster of the new year...lol.
So, I guess I'll talk about my current mood. I titled this blog "Taking Direction" because I think that if you're on a journey (or a to be in flight as I like to say), you have to have an idea of where you wanna go or even what you want to see. I see many things on the horizon. I am excited at my goals for this year. I'm excited because I've been able to seemingly put many things that used to bother me to the back of my mind.
This year I wanna take risks. What I mean is I'm going to start being more active and come out of my comfort zone. In the past I usually stick with my strong qualities and focus only on those. But, this year I want to expand my palette of skills and talents. And the way I plan to achieve is through hard work. One of the first things I have coming up is my first acting class which starts in four weeks.
Now, I've taught myself the art of directing. I studied and I've had on-the-job training. I love directing and working with actors and am extremely comfortable and confident in doing so. I've been doing it consistently since 2004.
But, now I'm venturing to the other side of the camera. I'm a little nervous. Not scared, but nervous. I mean, what if I suck? As a director, I pride myself on being able to reach and get great performances from the most mediocre of actors. I never used to have an interest in being an actor until about six months ago. But I am intrigued to attempt something that doesn't necessarily come natural. Honestly, I'm not worried about being a good actor, I worry about others' expectations of me as an actor. I've realized lately that my emotions have become more accessible to me. As a director, I know that that it is important for an actor to be able to tap into a given emotion at the drop of a hat. I feel that I can do that. The only thing I worry about is the memorization. LOL.
Another reason why acting has always intrigued me is the ways in which you get to show different parts of your personality by bringing life to fictional characters. It's a very intriguing concept to study to become a new person. And I'm game for new ways to express myself emotionally.
So, up until my first class, I just plan to stay in the gym and keep studying. I'm taking a few classes online before I head back to Tallahassee this summer to complete my last semester at FSU. Even when I go back there I will be leading a much calmer and peaceful existence even though I'm only planning to be there for the summer.
Right now since it's 5am, I'm wishing I could go to the gym and workout. I'm really thinking about joining this 24 hour gym that's right off the island. May be worth it.
That's all for now. Until next time...